Orange Puppet (High Function During The Fourth Reich)

BEDMINSTER, NJ – After a deadly race riot erupted in Charlottesville, VA, The ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH tried to draw a false equivalence between White Supremacists and decent human beings. A Neo-Nazi group organized an ARMED MARCH in Emancipation Park to protest the removal of a statue of Robert E. Lee. As decent people came to demonstrate against the Fascists, they were met with violent physical assaults and had their lives threatened by Neo-Nazis waving guns in their faces. Then, one of the Nazis rammed his car into a group of innocent bystanders. The Nazi murdered one woman and gravely wounded several others. ORANGE TWITLER tried to blame the innocent bystanders by saying that all sides were equally at fault. He never once mentioned that it was his own people – those he calls his “base” – who were threatening counter-protesters with guns, yelling racial epithets and ultimately, murdering an innocent person. This is the one and only face of the Banana Republican party. There is absolutely no difference of opinion among any people who voted for this enormous BAG OF SHIT. The crocodile tears shed by a few self-appointed apologists after the fact as they tried to put conciliatory words in the So-Called President’s mouth were simply disgusting. He did not utter any conciliatory words. He did not identify White Racists by name. After spending several years screaming at the top of his lungs that President Barack Obama and Secretary Hillary Clinton were complicit in terrorism because they did not use the term “Radical Islamic Terrorism” quite enough for his taste, somehow when it was his own people – The Neo-Nazis – suddenly, he couldn’t call them by name. He has been fomenting racial hatred, endorsing division, and advocating violence since he announced his run for office. He spent eight years trying to de-legitimize the first African-American President by claiming that he was not born in The United States. He is a divider. He is a hater. He is morally bankrupt. He is an avid supporter of racial violence. He does not want unity. He does not believe in equality. And as of today, he has innocent blood on his hands. There is no way back.

BEDMINSTER, NJ – Still on vacation at one of his sleazy fleabag flophouse resorts, The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN appeared before the press here today. Among the many, many stupid things he said, one stood out above all the rest. After his handler, PUTRID, ejected seven hundred fifty-five diplomats from Moscow, HE ACTUALLY THANKED HIS OVERLORD! That is right, PUTRID HUMILIATED TWITLER, and MANGO MUSSOLINI turned around and thanked him. He obviously colluded with Russia and PUTRID has the goods! There is absolutely no other possible explanation for selling out this nation so embarrassingly. He is a disgrace. He is a traitor. He is a coward. It is now only a matter of time. The FBI predawn raid on Manafort has apparently netted some very incriminating evidence regarding The ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH and the Russians. As the investigation closes in on Manafort, he is going to turn state’s evidence. And then, the ORANGE SHITBAG is going down. That is, unless Congress provides notice to Pence that Donald T. RUMP is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office as outlined in the Twenty-Fifth Amendment. In which case, he will be gone even sooner! Let’s hope our long national nightmare is finally drawing to a close!

BEDMINSTER, NJ – The notoriously impotent ORANGE PUPPET did not play well on his hundredth golf outing here today. He sucks at golf just much as he sucks at being President and just as much as he sucks at Real Estate. In an attempt to save face, he decided to threaten Kim Jong Un – formerly the most demented and laughable leader of a nation – with “Fire and Fury” if blah, blah, blah, something about not doing something with a missile or a warhead. Although his rhetoric has become fairly alarming, his staff and underlings have begun admitting in public that they basically just ignore him. Shaking his tiny little fist may make for compelling footage on FAUX NEWS, but after his two hundred days of failure, he is now largely just a caricature of a leader. Gross, fat, simple, and filled with rage. How much longer before the Mueller probe reaches him? For safety’s sake, we had better start building a case against Pence.

WASHINGTON – When push came to shove, YAWN MCLAME did the right thing. He joined all forty-eight Democrats and Lisa Murkowski of Alaska and Susan Collins of Maine in voting against Mitch MCCONMAN’s hate-based repeal of The Affordable Care Act. Well done.

WASHINGTON – So-called Maverick (PresidentMORON readers will recall he is really a gelding) YAWN McLAME, got off his death bed to return to the Senate for one last cowardly act. Although he is receiving the best healthcare money can buy at taxpayers’ expense for a glioblastoma, he voted to steal healthcare from up to thirty million Americans. This level of hypocrisy should be astonishing. But, during The Fourth Reich, it is just par for the course. Although we all wish him a speedy recovery, it is nonetheless time for this war horse to step down fade into history.

Editor’s Note: In retrospect, YAWN MCLAME merely voted for a return to regular order. When the final vote came, facing his own mortality, he stood with The American People.

WASHINGTON – So, the highly-placed Russian stooge, J-RED-The-Amnesiac, stood in front of a microphone at the White House and lied through his teeth. Since this double agent not noly holds a paid position in the Fourth Reich, but also has a security clearance, this actually constitutes falsification of record under color of authority – a felony. Although lawyers provided a carefully crafted statement full of technical qualifications and weasel-words, the fact remains: J-RED conspired with Russian spies to rig the United States Presidential Election. He tried to tap-dance around the facts, he attempted a little soft-shoe, but in the end, all he did was slither. And for that, just like his patron, ORANGE TWITLER, he deserved to be incarcerated.

WASHINGTON – Son-in-Law and Senior Advisor to TWITLER, J-RED (The Commie Sympathizer) suddenly had to amend his financial disclosure form to add seventy-seven new assets and transactions that he “forgot” when he lied about his contacts with Russia to get his creepy job. There were over ten million dollars worth of assets, and a two-hundred-eighty-seven million dollar loan from a Russian bank received one week before he submitted the form that were “overlooked.” There must be something in the water at the White House that causes severe amnesia, because, nobody, not even a real billionaire should be able to forget a quarter-billion dollar loan in a week. Whoopsie Daisies!

WASHINGTON – Well, here we are, six months in to the Fourth Reich, and except for more than one thousand hate-filled twitter messages, The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN has absolutely nothing to show for his efforts. Surprisingly, sitting on a toilet at 3:00AM and typing out angry, insulting, vitriolic blather is not a very effective form of leadership. So, as bad as things are, they could be worse. Who knew an impotent, incompetent douchebag would actually be better for the country than a competent douchebag? We should all be grateful for small miracles.

WASHINGTON – The slimy spawn of The ORANGE PUPPET admitted here today that he and his sister’s husband, J-RED met with Russian spies to incriminate Hillary Clinton. TWITLER swore he knew nothing of it. Which is a lie. He forked over fifty thousand dollars from his campaign fund to a lawyer in order to protect the weasel. Guess the rotten apple does not fall far from the tree.

WASHINGTON – The so-called POTUS has lost his marbles. Last night, he took to twitter because he wanted everybody to know, “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” Covfefe indeed!