Months: 6 Accomplishments: 0

Tired of winning!

WASHINGTON – Well, here we are, six months in to the Fourth Reich, and except for more than one thousand hate-filled twitter messages, The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN has absolutely nothing to show for his efforts. Surprisingly, sitting on a toilet at 3:00AM and typing out angry, insulting, vitriolic blather is not a very effective form of leadership. So, as bad as things are, they could be worse. Who knew an impotent, incompetent douchebag would actually be better for the country than a competent douchebag? We should all be grateful for small miracles.


Weasel Jr. Just like Daddy!

WASHINGTON – The slimy spawn of The ORANGE PUPPET admitted here today that he and his sister’s husband, J-RED met with Russian spies to incriminate Hillary Clinton. TWITLER swore he knew nothing of it. Which is a lie. He forked over fifty thousand dollars from his campaign fund to a lawyer in order to protect the weasel. Guess the rotten apple does not fall far from the tree.

Despite The Constant Negative Press Covfefe

WASHINGTON – The so-called POTUS has lost his marbles. Last night, he took to twitter because he wanted everybody to know, “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” Covfefe indeed!

Crooked Kushner Covers Up Collusion With Commies

All in the family

WASHHINGTON – Possibly the least stupid person in the PUMPKIN BUMPKIN’s family (read crime syndicate) Jared Kushner – and yes, that is just as pathetic as it seems – has been caught colluding with Russia to commit espionage against our country. He asked Russian Ambassador Sergei KISSMYASS to let him start using secret Russian communication channels so The ORANGE PUPPET could talk to his mob handlers in Oligarch PUTRID’s Kremlin. Then he covered it up by omitting it from his security disclosure documentation. This is direct evidence of criminal intent. Why would a fat ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH need to talk to PUTRID’s henchmen unless they were blackmailing him? And how can credulous BANANA REPUBLICANS let him get away with selling out our country for his own personal gain?

Special Counsel

Bobby “Three Sticks” Mueller

WASHINGTON – Oh, HELLZ Yeah! Today, not even The ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH’s own Department of Justice could ignore the obstruction any longer. Since Sessions recused himself (he will most assuredly be joining Flynn and the PUMPKIN BUMPKIN in jail later), it fell to Rod Rosenstein to pick a Special Counsel. He chose former FBI Director Robert Swan Mueller, III. His remit is to investigate the sleazy dealings of the Conniver-And-Thief and his Russian handlers. One Hundred Eighteen days. And as we always say, it is not the crime, it is the cover-up! Well done, ORANGE PUPPET!

We Have Met The Enemy And He Is ORANGE

Doesn’t “Classified” mean “Blab it to Russia?”

WASHINGTON – Holy Geezis! The ORANGE PUPPET is actually spilling State Secrets to Vladimir PUTRID! This is so stupid, it defies credulity. Codeword intelligence we don’t even share with our allies was blurted out by the Conniver-And-Thief in front of Russian diplomat, Sergey KISSMYASS, to keep the Russian gravy train rolling. The profoundly incompetent real estate huckster needs Russian mob money to keep his tawdry flophouses from folding again. And if his puppet masters need the name of “Our Man In Syria,” The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN is eager to oblige. It has to make foreign operatives wary — this Syrian guy will probably wind up dead. But it also has to give pause to our own intelligence community. Self-centered TWITLER is incapable of understanding that the nation has needs greater than his sleazy little shell game. And there is no depth to which he will not sink to satisfy his greed! Is there really no adult supervision at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? Is there honestly nobody who can tell him to shut the fuck up? Consider what that says about every single person in that administration.


Credulous Crook

WASHINGTON – Well, the ORANGE PUPPET finally admitted he only fired Comey to stop the FBI investigation into his collusion with the Russians to steal the presidency. He is so ignorant, he does not know he just admitted to a crime. Obstruction is in and of itself an impeachable offense. There is only one question left: is he really so stupid that he does not know he has been played or is he lying about colluding with the Russians? Neither one is acceptable. Let’s get going, Congress!


The clock is ticking…

WASHINGTON – The Orange Enemy of your enemy is not your friend. PUMPKIN BUMPKIN, Donald T. RUMP, fired FBI Director, James Comey, today. The fat ORANGE PUPPET actually thinks he can cover up his collusion with Vladimir PUTRID by firing anybody involved with the investigation. He is so spineless he hid behind a “recommendation” from Deputy Attorney General Rodney Rosenstein. It was a mealy-mouthed attempt to condemn Comey for the exact actions (the lies Comey told about Hillary Clinton’s emails) The ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATE-SPEECH endorsed when they occurred. That letter was appended to another quivering missive from one of RUMP’s accomplices, Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III. Yes, the same Sessions who recused himself from this very case. He is so desperate to cover up his crimes that he will now do anything. He aided and abetted Russian operatives in the subversion of our electoral system. He accepted vast amounts of Russian money to prop up his sleazy flophouses. And then, the incompetent negotiator-and-thief was blackmailed. Played by the Russians! The FBI has him dead to rights. TRICKY DICK tried something like this when he fired the Watergate Special Prosecutor, Archibald Cox. That led to the resignation of his Attorney General, Elliot Richardson and Deputy Attorney General, William Ruckelshaus. You can’t cover up your crimes by abusing the power of your office. It is now only a matter of time. A Special Prosecutor will be appointed soon.



WASHINGTON – Tired of winning yet? That fat orange shitbag promised. But no. One Hundred days in and we have failure after failure after failure. He FAILED to ban Muslims from entering the country. He FAILED to steal health insurance from twenty-four million people. He FAILED to blackmail the country into building a wall. He FAILED to shut down the government. He FAILED to prevent Russian spies from working in the West Wing. He FAILED to protect women’s rights. He FAILED to protect immigrants’ rights. He FAILED to tell the truth. He FAILED to protect the planet from global warming. He FAILED to rig the tax code to take money from the poor and middle class and give it to the greedy, corruption one percent of the super-wealthy. He FAILED to make peace with any country. The list goes on. But, the fact is, he has brought great shame upon this nation, and he has diminished our stature in the world. Hooray for stolen elections! Hooray for Russian spies! We should just descend into dictatorship and live in a lawless hellhole where privilege is meted out only to the few while everybody else is simply left without any hope. That is how to Make America Great Again!


The Impotent Rage of a feckless halfwit

WASHINGTON – Failure. Sixty Four days in and The ORANGE PUPPET showed just how much power those little temper tantrums really hold. The QUITTER-IN-CHIEF could not even get his signature piece of legislation, repealing the ACA, to a vote in The House – a House that has voted for that legislation some fifty four times over the last seven years. He tried for seventeen whole days. They say he gave it his all (hey, Banana Republicans, are you proud that your hero only has seventeen days of fight in him?). Then, like the narcissist he is, he just quit. He stamped his feet, shook his tiny fists, told all the big mean Congresspeople that he would huff and puff and something, something… Didn’t work. Apparently, once you get up close, that ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH isn’t so scary after all. Maybe it is just that he couldn’t possibly twitter out enough vitriol to hurt them all, or maybe it is because his incompetence is simply too monumental to overlook (“No one knew that healthcare would be so complicated!”). But either way, it is failure. “The Art Of The Deal,” hah! Failure.