Fire And Fury And Other Limp-Dicked Bullshit

I can’t get it up so I have to beat my flabby chest!

BEDMINSTER, NJ – The notoriously impotent ORANGE PUPPET did not play well on his hundredth golf outing here today. He sucks at golf just much as he sucks at being President and just as much as he sucks at Real Estate. In an attempt to save face, he decided to threaten Kim Jong Un – formerly the most demented and laughable leader of a nation – with “Fire and Fury” if blah, blah, blah, something about not doing something with a missile or a warhead. Although his rhetoric has become fairly alarming, his staff and underlings have begun admitting in public that they basically just ignore him. Shaking his tiny little fist may make for compelling footage on FAUX NEWS, but after his two hundred days of failure, he is now largely just a caricature of a leader. Gross, fat, simple, and filled with rage. How much longer before the Mueller probe reaches him? For safety’s sake, we had better start building a case against Pence.

REDEMPTION

Common decency

WASHINGTON – When push came to shove, YAWN MCLAME did the right thing. He joined all forty-eight Democrats and Lisa Murkowski of Alaska and Susan Collins of Maine in voting against Mitch MCCONMAN’s hate-based repeal of The Affordable Care Act. Well done.

SHAMEFUL

An eye for an eye

WASHINGTON – So-called Maverick (PresidentMORON readers will recall he is really a gelding) YAWN McLAME, got off his death bed to return to the Senate for one last cowardly act. Although he is receiving the best healthcare money can buy at taxpayers’ expense for a glioblastoma, he voted to steal healthcare from up to thirty million Americans. This level of hypocrisy should be astonishing. But, during The Fourth Reich, it is just par for the course. Although we all wish him a speedy recovery, it is nonetheless time for this war horse to step down fade into history.

Editor’s Note: In retrospect, YAWN MCLAME merely voted for a return to regular order. When the final vote came, facing his own mortality, he stood with The American People.

J-RED: A Commie Sympathizer’s Bullshit

Unlike J-RED, snakes actually have spines

WASHINGTON – So, the highly-placed Russian stooge, J-RED-The-Amnesiac, stood in front of a microphone at the White House and lied through his teeth. Since this double agent not noly holds a paid position in the Fourth Reich, but also has a security clearance, this actually constitutes falsification of record under color of authority – a felony. Although lawyers provided a carefully crafted statement full of technical qualifications and weasel-words, the fact remains: J-RED conspired with Russian spies to rig the United States Presidential Election. He tried to tap-dance around the facts, he attempted a little soft-shoe, but in the end, all he did was slither. And for that, just like his patron, ORANGE TWITLER, he deserved to be incarcerated.

Whoopsie Daisies!

Ew, just ew!

WASHINGTON – Son-in-Law and Senior Advisor to TWITLER, J-RED (The Commie Sympathizer) suddenly had to amend his financial disclosure form to add seventy-seven new assets and transactions that he “forgot” when he lied about his contacts with Russia to get his creepy job. There were over ten million dollars worth of assets, and a two-hundred-eighty-seven million dollar loan from a Russian bank received one week before he submitted the form that were “overlooked.” There must be something in the water at the White House that causes severe amnesia, because, nobody, not even a real billionaire should be able to forget a quarter-billion dollar loan in a week. Whoopsie Daisies!

Months: 6 Accomplishments: 0

Tired of winning!

WASHINGTON – Well, here we are, six months in to the Fourth Reich, and except for more than one thousand hate-filled twitter messages, The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN has absolutely nothing to show for his efforts. Surprisingly, sitting on a toilet at 3:00AM and typing out angry, insulting, vitriolic blather is not a very effective form of leadership. So, as bad as things are, they could be worse. Who knew an impotent, incompetent douchebag would actually be better for the country than a competent douchebag? We should all be grateful for small miracles.

Hoodwinked

Weasel Jr. Just like Daddy!

WASHINGTON – The slimy spawn of The ORANGE PUPPET admitted here today that he and his sister’s husband, J-RED met with Russian spies to incriminate Hillary Clinton. TWITLER swore he knew nothing of it. Which is a lie. He forked over fifty thousand dollars from his campaign fund to a lawyer in order to protect the weasel. Guess the rotten apple does not fall far from the tree.

Despite The Constant Negative Press Covfefe

WASHINGTON – The so-called POTUS has lost his marbles. Last night, he took to twitter because he wanted everybody to know, “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” Covfefe indeed!

Crooked Kushner Covers Up Collusion With Commies

All in the family

WASHHINGTON – Possibly the least stupid person in the PUMPKIN BUMPKIN’s family (read crime syndicate) Jared Kushner – and yes, that is just as pathetic as it seems – has been caught colluding with Russia to commit espionage against our country. He asked Russian Ambassador Sergei KISSMYASS to let him start using secret Russian communication channels so The ORANGE PUPPET could talk to his mob handlers in Oligarch PUTRID’s Kremlin. Then he covered it up by omitting it from his security disclosure documentation. This is direct evidence of criminal intent. Why would a fat ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH need to talk to PUTRID’s henchmen unless they were blackmailing him? And how can credulous BANANA REPUBLICANS let him get away with selling out our country for his own personal gain?

Special Counsel

Bobby “Three Sticks” Mueller

WASHINGTON – Oh, HELLZ Yeah! Today, not even The ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH’s own Department of Justice could ignore the obstruction any longer. Since Sessions recused himself (he will most assuredly be joining Flynn and the PUMPKIN BUMPKIN in jail later), it fell to Rod Rosenstein to pick a Special Counsel. He chose former FBI Director Robert Swan Mueller, III. His remit is to investigate the sleazy dealings of the Conniver-And-Thief and his Russian handlers. One Hundred Eighteen days. And as we always say, it is not the crime, it is the cover-up! Well done, ORANGE PUPPET!