High Function: Life During The Fourth Reich

WASHINGTON – In defending a fellow wifebeater, the ABUSER-IN-CHIEF assured the public that Staff Secretary, Rob “PUNCHER” Porter could beat up any woman half his size. He lamented that even though he had made it clear that violence against women is just good policy, there were still some who felt that perhaps public officials should not give their wives black eyes.

WASHINGTON – Exactly one year into the most disastrous administration in history, the OAF OF OFFICE had to cancel his little $100,000-a-plate pity party in Florida because the government was shut down due to his ineptitude. The “bestest business man ever-est” could not negotiate his way out of a paper bag. And, since he has no values of his own, he had to submit to the will of his dwindling extremist “base” (a toxic mix of credulous, uneducated racists and cynical, manipulative billionaires – who have never met). Although there has not been a three-fifths majority of Senators of one party seated since 1911, somehow, all other Congresses have been able to get to sixty votes to pass a spending bill. But the lazy, seventy-one-year-old crybaby was not even able to get all of his own party’s Senators to vote for a bill. The breathtaking level of incompetence has brought us a broken government that is incapable of running this country. Although the fat little fingers keep twittering out how it is Hillary’s fault (or some other equally inane excuse), the fact remains that Banana Republicans control The White House, The Senate, and The House of Representatives. And, they could not organize a pissing match in a brewery. Their insistence on racism as a fundamental tenet of governance does not sit well with average Americans. Pitting DACA against CHIP was a cheap shot, and there is never going to be a wall. So, cry, little OAF, cry that the big bad Democrats ruined your party. This shutdown belongs to DONALD T. RUMP, and RUMP alone.

WASHINGTON – The OAF OF OFFICE described African countries, El Salvador and Haiti as SHITHOLES during a discussion with congresspeople about immigration in The White House today. He said he would prefer immigrants from Norway. TWITLER is a racist. The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN is a SHITHEAD who is making The United States look like a SHITHOLE.

WASHINGTON – Today, The ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH asserted that he is “like really sm**t” and declared that he is a “very stable gen**s” (Editor’s Note: we cannot publish such foul language in relation to this ORANGE FUCKING BAG OF SHIT – because he is stupid). He is in fact, the OAF OF OFFICE.

WASHINGTON – As Michael Wolff’s book, “Fire & Fury” drops today, the ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH is beside himself with rage. The usual perpetual rage that TWITLER carries around is nothing compared to what he is feeling today. Insulting his closest adviser, STEVE BATSHIT, lashing out at Hillary Clinton (yes, that Hillary Clinton, AGAIN), calling for the exhumation of a dead, discredited former attorney Roy Cohn, and threatening to sue everyone everywhere, the petulant little seventy-one-year-old is having a bad day. Apparently, in the book, even his own beloved daughter-wife dishes dirt on the fat little crybaby. And there is not a single staff member quoted in the book who does not say TWITLER is a moron. Some staff also recount ORANGE SHITBAG’s obsessive repetition of lies in a senile, forgetful manner. At the same time, direct evidence of T. RUMP’s efforts to obstruct justice in the investigation of Russian interference in the United States presidential election of 2016 is becoming very clear. Though the wheels of justice are turning, there is still time for Mother Nature to deliver. The rage could lead to a heart attack or a brain hemorrhage. But until then, let’s hope ORANGE PUPPET’s fat little fingers keep up the self-incriminating Twitter tirades. He is his own worst enemy.

WASHINGTON – Well, they did it. It was worth destroying the entire fabric of this nation in order for the oligarchy in Congress to get the “deserving rich” ANOTHER trillion dollars of taxpayer money. Money that middle class taxpayers will be paying for the rest of their lives. Greed is all they understand. 2018 is coming. It is time to vote these thieves out of office.

SAN JUAN – As The ORANGE PUPPET scolds the Mayor of San Juan here today, it is impossible to separate politics from what is happening in this nation today. While ORANGE TWITLER continued to deny climate change, he also took a little time for some race bashing and misogyny. See, the Mayor of San Juan, Carmen Yulín Cruz, is a woman of Latin descent. Well, that checks two boxes on T. RUMP’s hate list! So, even though Puerto Rico is part of the United States, it is a “Mexican” part so, no relief for them. And that was not even the worst of it this week. In Las Vegas a psychotic gun nut holed up in the Mandalay Bay hotel and used a machine gun to murder 59 and wound another 527 people at a country music concert. And Banana Republicans, whose champion is the OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement), did nothing. Just like every other horrible gun massacre, Banana Republicans decided to blame it on mental health issues. Now, recall that they have been trying to forbid people from receiving mental health care for the last seven years. But, when Congresspeople who collect millions of dollars from the NRA were faced with a choice – admit we have a gun problem, or play the mental health card – suddenly, healthcare was not the worst thing in the world. So, fuck this flaccid government response to the real issues of our time. Climate change is making storms more destructive. People of Latin descent are full-fledged human beings, some are citizens of the United States, and they are entitled to the same protections as all other citizens. And gun control should be an issue every single day, especially those days when people are being murdered by machine guns. Nobody ever killed anybody with a “mental health.” And hollow wishes of solace for the victims of gun violence are meaningless. It may not be possible for Banana Republicans to feel remorse or guilt, but it should be our duty to make sure that they feel shame.

WASHINGTON – Taking time out from his busy schedule taunting Senators who do not think healthcare should be handed over to a bunch of fat greedy insurors, mocking North Korea because he is too impotent to negotiate with its leader and insulting Puerto Ricans for trusting the Federal Government to protect their protectorate, The OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) took on another new initiative aimed at dividing Americans. While he has praised Nazis (losers), white supremeacists and secessionists (losers) as “very fine people,” he got all up in a lather about Colin Kaepernick and others genuflecting (a sign of reverence in certain spheres) during the DoD sponsored propaganda pageantry which precedes sporting events nowadays. He said that NFL owners should call one of the protesters a “Son of a BITCH” and fire him for exercising his first amendment right to protest. While those kneeling specifically said they were doing it to protest the racial injustice meted out by police on minorities, TWITLER said his hatred and vitriol had nothing to do with race, but was motivated by his love of god and country. Bullshit. The ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH couldn’t pick the Stars And Stripes out of a lineup with no other flags present. He couldn’t identify true patriotism to save his life. He believes only in division. He worships his handler Vladimir PUTRID. He despises “foreigners” except for certain Eastern European Mail-Order Brides. He does not want the country unified. If it were possible for him to feel shame, he would resign in disgrace. But alas, although he is a “Son of a BITCH,” he is not our “Son of a BITCH.”

PHOENIX – Well, that ORANGE SHITBAG held a hate rally here today. Credulous dupes in attendance were exposed to a litany of inane assertions from its sewer pipe of a mouth. The mouth lied about the size of the huge crowd of counter protesters. The mouth wasted forty minutes crying about the big meanies in the news media. It was so boring, even the rednecks left early. The mouth lied about what the mouth itself said after his voters murdered Heather Heyer in Charlottesville. The mouth threatened to shut down the government in a temper tantrum if Congress doesn’t pay for his wall. That’s right, the wall he swore Mexico would fund. It was not clear that even his most dimwitted, most loyal followers were still falling for it. This ORANGE SHITBAG simply has no morals. This ORANGE PUPPET is suffering from dementia. And sadly, Congress and the Cabinet have no spines. So, he is not going anywhere. But, hey, atrial fibrillation, myocardial infarction, cerebral ischemia, and cerebral hemorrhage are still on the table. So, come on, Mother Nature, take your course!

BEDMINSTER, NJ – After a deadly race riot erupted in Charlottesville, VA, The ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH tried to draw a false equivalence between White Supremacists and decent human beings. A Neo-Nazi group organized an ARMED MARCH in Emancipation Park to protest the removal of a statue of Robert E. Lee. As decent people came to demonstrate against the Fascists, they were met with violent physical assaults and had their lives threatened by Neo-Nazis waving guns in their faces. Then, one of the Nazis rammed his car into a group of innocent bystanders. The Nazi murdered one woman and gravely wounded several others. ORANGE TWITLER tried to blame the innocent bystanders by saying that all sides were equally at fault. He never once mentioned that it was his own people – those he calls his “base” – who were threatening counter-protesters with guns, yelling racial epithets and ultimately, murdering an innocent person. This is the one and only face of the Banana Republican party. There is absolutely no difference of opinion among any people who voted for this enormous BAG OF SHIT. The crocodile tears shed by a few self-appointed apologists after the fact as they tried to put conciliatory words in the So-Called President’s mouth were simply disgusting. He did not utter any conciliatory words. He did not identify White Racists by name. After spending several years screaming at the top of his lungs that President Barack Obama and Secretary Hillary Clinton were complicit in terrorism because they did not use the term “Radical Islamic Terrorism” quite enough for his taste, somehow when it was his own people – The Neo-Nazis – suddenly, he couldn’t call them by name. He has been fomenting racial hatred, endorsing division, and advocating violence since he announced his run for office. He spent eight years trying to de-legitimize the first African-American President by claiming that he was not born in The United States. He is a divider. He is a hater. He is morally bankrupt. He is an avid supporter of racial violence. He does not want unity. He does not believe in equality. And as of today, he has innocent blood on his hands. There is no way back.