CNN’s Cholesterol Hat Trick


You'll die! Oh wait, you won't! Never mind

ATLANTA – CNN produced a perfect confluence of journalism and advertising this week.  First, Senior Medical Correspondent Elizabeth Cohen told us we were thirty times (or was it just thirty percent?) more likely to die if we ate red meat.  The sky was falling!

Then, Carl’s Junior ran one of their disgusting commercials.  This one featured someone like the old guy on Scrubs if the old guy on Scrubs actually had to wear scrubs.  While he was talking about drinking Bourbon all day, this was actually a milestone for Carl’s Junior.  The commercial did not feature anyone talking with food in his or her mouth; did not contain any overt misogyny; and did not depict any condiments spattering on clothing or other surfaces.  It did however, still contain those unsavory amplified eating sounds.  It also featured an enormous hamburger called the Kentucky Bourbon Burger.  Yes, eating one of these would lead to immediate death if Elizabeth Cohen had her way.

But, just when viewers all began dialing Nine-One-One, a Lipitor commercial came on!  So, we were saved before the next segment even aired!  Problem solved.

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