Joe The Dumber

Damn you, Andy Warhol, fifteen minutes is just waaaaaaaaaay too long!

Damn you, Andy Warhol, sometimes, fifteen minutes is just waaaaaaaaaay too long!

COLUMBUS – Well, it has finally happened. A fictional character that was made the straw man of this year’s Banana Republican campaign has actually signed a book deal. Usually, Banana Republicans are much more careful about this sort of thing: Ronnie RAYGUN’s Space Based Weapons fantasy, and his scary Welfare Queens; Dan “Potatoe” QUAIL’s unwed mother Murphy Brown; President MORON’s Weapons of Mass Deception, and human/animal hybrids. But YAWN MCLAME couldn’t even get this right. He actually based his Chimera on a living, mouth-breathing, tax-cheating, middle-aged pipe-fitter’s apprentice who, inconveniently, also happens to be profoundly dim.

Now, Sam “The Simpleton” Wurzelbacher (MCLAME couldn’t even get his name right!), gets it. He lamented over an imaginary plumber who was making two-hundred-fifty thousand dollars a year (yes, five times his own salary), and gushed over the “presence” of Apocalyptic snake-handler, CARIBOU BARBIE (well, she is nearly fictional; contrived, at the very least). However, he also said he was appalled by YAWN MCLAME’s support for the seven-hundred billion dollar Greed Stampede to rescue Goldman Sachs’ bonus pool. Oops.

So, what will it be? A coloring book? A Straight Talk Express themed comic (sorry, graphic novel)? A deeply misinformed screed on the premise that a vote for Obama is a vote for “Death to Israel?” Maybe a helpful primer on how unlicensed plumbers connect copper pipes together. Sadly, it doesn’t matter because, the same self-delusion that inspired universal elation over the completely unvetted nomination of CARIBOU BARBIE will also create a Banana Republican book buying frenzy! But, they will never read it. This is necessary. If natural Banana Republicans (the very very rich) examine their unholy alliance with the uneducated, credulous, artificial Banana Republicans too closely, they may accidentally peel back the curtain. Except for conservation of wealth, the only other tenet of Banana Republicanism is the use of hatred and fear to create division. So, really, it doesn’t matter what his ghost-writer produces; Joe The Dumber will have his payday. But next time, the Banana Republican boogey-man will definitely receive more scrutiny!

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