BLAND Paul Is Desperate For Attention

War-On-Women? Uh... Look over there! A distraction!

War-On-Women? Uh… Look over there! A distraction!

WASHINGTON – Junior Kentucky Senator and haircare product aficionado, BLAND Paul, is feeling left out. While his potential rival for the next Banana Republican Presidential nomination, CRISCO Christie, is flaming out on all channels, poor little BLAND can’t get a sound byte to save his life. So, rather than formulating a visionary message to inspire the American people, he is doing the one thing Banana Republicans do better than anyone else — he’s going negative! On a President who left office thirteen years ago!

To put BLAND’s attack in context, first, this fact: Banana Republicans are waging and all-out War-On-Women. They have fought mightily to prevent women from earning equal pay for equal work. They have decried the coverage of birth control under the Affordable Care Act. They have introduced the term “legitimate rape” because, in their world view, some forms of rape are apparently acceptable. In some states, they have enacted legislation that criminalizes the termination of any pregnancy resulting from a case of rape, even an incestuous rape. In some states, they have enacted laws that prohibit a woman from terminating a pregnancy even if that pregnancy is going to kill her. They do these things because they do not believe women are citizens entitled to equal rights, but rather, less-than-human vessels who may be forced by the government to reproduce against their will. They rationalize this intense hatred of women by expressing a very selective interpretation of a phrase or two found in a work of fiction (The Bible).

So, BLAND has hit upon a way to grab some attention. He has concocted a theory that somehow, Bill Clinton’s dalliance with a White House Intern, Monica Lewinsky, is justification for the entire aforementioned War-On-Women! The reasoning is somewhat murky, but the premise is that Bill Clinton’s being a Democrat means that any woman who supports any Democrat automatically cedes her right to expect equal protection under the law. This is top-notch Banana Republican thinking for the twenty-first century. It should be exposed at every turn. So, let’s all hope BLAND gets his moment in the limelight. It’s not as though any Banana Republican is going to come up with anything constructive to say in the next two years.

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