High Function: Functioning Highly

WASHINGTON – A particularly noxious form of slime, something called a “Bannon” has been found guilty of 2 counts of Contempt of Congress. This mass of toxic cytoplasm should spend the rest of its natural days behind bars. As its Dear Leader, The OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement), says; “Lock It Up!”

WASHINGTON – In a United States Secret Service response to a House January 6th Committee request, they claimed that text messages between agents attached to the OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) from January 5th and 6th, 2021 had been deleted. After iterating through a few different implausible excuses, they landed on a “device upgrade” as the reason that only those specific, critical and conclusively incriminating messages were not going to be provided. This is complete and utter bullshit. There is no possible innocent explanation for the destruction, or redaction of this data. There is no chance that in the hands of competent Computer Forensic Engineers that the data cannot be recovered. This. Is. A. Coverup. The Secret Service Agents swore an oath to The Constitution, but wound up violating their oaths to protect one TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS.

WASHINGTON – In a memo just released, for some unknown reason, Merrick Garland announced that he would castrate himself. Rather than pursue criminal charges against the OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement), for purely political reasons, he would refuse to act in order to assure that it (The OBOE) would be re-elected in 2024. The actual text of the memo refers to “political sensitivities.” But, rather than instructing the Department of Justice to ignore political appearances, it has DoJ attorneys bend over backward to avoid investigating even the most heinous and obvious crimes committed by insurrectionists. The rationale for this policy was not explained. This nation deserves better.