High Function: Functioning Highly

WASHINGTON – Exactly one year into the most disastrous administration in history, the OAF OF OFFICE had to cancel his little $100,000-a-plate pity party in Florida because the government was shut down due to his ineptitude. The “bestest business man ever-est” could not negotiate his way out of a paper bag. And, since he has no values of his own, he had to submit to the will of his dwindling extremist “base” (a toxic mix of credulous, uneducated racists and cynical, manipulative billionaires – who have never met). Although there has not been a three-fifths majority of Senators of one party seated since 1911, somehow, all other Congresses have been able to get to sixty votes to pass a spending bill. But the lazy, seventy-one-year-old crybaby was not even able to get all of his own party’s Senators to vote for a bill. The breathtaking level of incompetence has brought us a broken government that is incapable of running this country. Although the fat little fingers keep twittering out how it is Hillary’s fault (or some other equally inane excuse), the fact remains that Banana Republicans control The White House, The Senate, and The House of Representatives. And, they could not organize a pissing match in a brewery. Their insistence on racism as a fundamental tenet of governance does not sit well with average Americans. Pitting DACA against CHIP was a cheap shot, and there is never going to be a wall. So, cry, little OAF, cry that the big bad Democrats ruined your party. This shutdown belongs to DONALD T. RUMP, and RUMP alone.

WASHINGTON – The OAF OF OFFICE described African countries, El Salvador and Haiti as SHITHOLES during a discussion with congresspeople about immigration in The White House today. He said he would prefer immigrants from Norway. TWITLER is a racist. The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN is a SHITHEAD who is making The United States look like a SHITHOLE.

WASHINGTON – Today, The ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH asserted that he is “like really sm**t” and declared that he is a “very stable gen**s” (Editor’s Note: we cannot publish such foul language in relation to this ORANGE FUCKING BAG OF SHIT – because he is stupid). He is in fact, the OAF OF OFFICE.

WASHINGTON – As Michael Wolff’s book, “Fire & Fury” drops today, the ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH is beside himself with rage. The usual perpetual rage that TWITLER carries around is nothing compared to what he is feeling today. Insulting his closest adviser, STEVE BATSHIT, lashing out at Hillary Clinton (yes, that Hillary Clinton, AGAIN), calling for the exhumation of a dead, discredited former attorney Roy Cohn, and threatening to sue everyone everywhere, the petulant little seventy-one-year-old is having a bad day. Apparently, in the book, even his own beloved daughter-wife dishes dirt on the fat little crybaby. And there is not a single staff member quoted in the book who does not say TWITLER is a moron. Some staff also recount ORANGE SHITBAG’s obsessive repetition of lies in a senile, forgetful manner. At the same time, direct evidence of T. RUMP’s efforts to obstruct justice in the investigation of Russian interference in the United States presidential election of 2016 is becoming very clear. Though the wheels of justice are turning, there is still time for Mother Nature to deliver. The rage could lead to a heart attack or a brain hemorrhage. But until then, let’s hope ORANGE PUPPET’s fat little fingers keep up the self-incriminating Twitter tirades. He is his own worst enemy.