High Function: Functioning Highly

WASHINGTON – When push came to shove, YAWN MCLAME did the right thing. He joined all forty-eight Democrats and Lisa Murkowski of Alaska and Susan Collins of Maine in voting against Mitch MCCONMAN’s hate-based repeal of The Affordable Care Act. Well done.

WASHINGTON – So-called Maverick (PresidentMORON readers will recall he is really a gelding) YAWN McLAME, got off his death bed to return to the Senate for one last cowardly act. Although he is receiving the best healthcare money can buy at taxpayers’ expense for a glioblastoma, he voted to steal healthcare from up to thirty million Americans. This level of hypocrisy should be astonishing. But, during The Fourth Reich, it is just par for the course. Although we all wish him a speedy recovery, it is nonetheless time for this war horse to step down fade into history.

Editor’s Note: In retrospect, YAWN MCLAME merely voted for a return to regular order. When the final vote came, facing his own mortality, he stood with The American People.

WASHINGTON – So, the highly-placed Russian stooge, J-RED-The-Amnesiac, stood in front of a microphone at the White House and lied through his teeth. Since this double agent not noly holds a paid position in the Fourth Reich, but also has a security clearance, this actually constitutes falsification of record under color of authority – a felony. Although lawyers provided a carefully crafted statement full of technical qualifications and weasel-words, the fact remains: J-RED conspired with Russian spies to rig the United States Presidential Election. He tried to tap-dance around the facts, he attempted a little soft-shoe, but in the end, all he did was slither. And for that, just like his patron, ORANGE TWITLER, he deserved to be incarcerated.

WASHINGTON – Son-in-Law and Senior Advisor to TWITLER, J-RED (The Commie Sympathizer) suddenly had to amend his financial disclosure form to add seventy-seven new assets and transactions that he “forgot” when he lied about his contacts with Russia to get his creepy job. There were over ten million dollars worth of assets, and a two-hundred-eighty-seven million dollar loan from a Russian bank received one week before he submitted the form that were “overlooked.” There must be something in the water at the White House that causes severe amnesia, because, nobody, not even a real billionaire should be able to forget a quarter-billion dollar loan in a week. Whoopsie Daisies!

WASHINGTON – Well, here we are, six months in to the Fourth Reich, and except for more than one thousand hate-filled twitter messages, The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN has absolutely nothing to show for his efforts. Surprisingly, sitting on a toilet at 3:00AM and typing out angry, insulting, vitriolic blather is not a very effective form of leadership. So, as bad as things are, they could be worse. Who knew an impotent, incompetent douchebag would actually be better for the country than a competent douchebag? We should all be grateful for small miracles.

WASHINGTON – The slimy spawn of The ORANGE PUPPET admitted here today that he and his sister’s husband, J-RED met with Russian spies to incriminate Hillary Clinton. TWITLER swore he knew nothing of it. Which is a lie. He forked over fifty thousand dollars from his campaign fund to a lawyer in order to protect the weasel. Guess the rotten apple does not fall far from the tree.