High Function: Functioning Highly

WASHINGTON – The so-called POTUS has lost his marbles. Last night, he took to twitter because he wanted everybody to know, “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” Covfefe indeed!

WASHHINGTON – Possibly the least stupid person in the PUMPKIN BUMPKIN’s family (read crime syndicate) Jared Kushner – and yes, that is just as pathetic as it seems – has been caught colluding with Russia to commit espionage against our country. He asked Russian Ambassador Sergei KISSMYASS to let him start using secret Russian communication channels so The ORANGE PUPPET could talk to his mob handlers in Oligarch PUTRID’s Kremlin. Then he covered it up by omitting it from his security disclosure documentation. This is direct evidence of criminal intent. Why would a fat ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH need to talk to PUTRID’s henchmen unless they were blackmailing him? And how can credulous BANANA REPUBLICANS let him get away with selling out our country for his own personal gain?

WASHINGTON – Oh, HELLZ Yeah! Today, not even The ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH’s own Department of Justice could ignore the obstruction any longer. Since Sessions recused himself (he will most assuredly be joining Flynn and the PUMPKIN BUMPKIN in jail later), it fell to Rod Rosenstein to pick a Special Counsel. He chose former FBI Director Robert Swan Mueller, III. His remit is to investigate the sleazy dealings of the Conniver-And-Thief and his Russian handlers. One Hundred Eighteen days. And as we always say, it is not the crime, it is the cover-up! Well done, ORANGE PUPPET!

WASHINGTON – Holy Geezis! The ORANGE PUPPET is actually spilling State Secrets to Vladimir PUTRID! This is so stupid, it defies credulity. Codeword intelligence we don’t even share with our allies was blurted out by the Conniver-And-Thief in front of Russian diplomat, Sergey KISSMYASS, to keep the Russian gravy train rolling. The profoundly incompetent real estate huckster needs Russian mob money to keep his tawdry flophouses from folding again. And if his puppet masters need the name of “Our Man In Syria,” The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN is eager to oblige. It has to make foreign operatives wary — this Syrian guy will probably wind up dead. But it also has to give pause to our own intelligence community. Self-centered TWITLER is incapable of understanding that the nation has needs greater than his sleazy little shell game. And there is no depth to which he will not sink to satisfy his greed! Is there really no adult supervision at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue? Is there honestly nobody who can tell him to shut the fuck up? Consider what that says about every single person in that administration.

WASHINGTON – Well, the ORANGE PUPPET finally admitted he only fired Comey to stop the FBI investigation into his collusion with the Russians to steal the presidency. He is so ignorant, he does not know he just admitted to a crime. Obstruction is in and of itself an impeachable offense. There is only one question left: is he really so stupid that he does not know he has been played or is he lying about colluding with the Russians? Neither one is acceptable. Let’s get going, Congress!

WASHINGTON – The Orange Enemy of your enemy is not your friend. PUMPKIN BUMPKIN, Donald T. RUMP, fired FBI Director, James Comey, today. The fat ORANGE PUPPET actually thinks he can cover up his collusion with Vladimir PUTRID by firing anybody involved with the investigation. He is so spineless he hid behind a “recommendation” from Deputy Attorney General Rodney Rosenstein. It was a mealy-mouthed attempt to condemn Comey for the exact actions (the lies Comey told about Hillary Clinton’s emails) The ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATE-SPEECH endorsed when they occurred. That letter was appended to another quivering missive from one of RUMP’s accomplices, Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III. Yes, the same Sessions who recused himself from this very case. He is so desperate to cover up his crimes that he will now do anything. He aided and abetted Russian operatives in the subversion of our electoral system. He accepted vast amounts of Russian money to prop up his sleazy flophouses. And then, the incompetent negotiator-and-thief was blackmailed. Played by the Russians! The FBI has him dead to rights. TRICKY DICK tried something like this when he fired the Watergate Special Prosecutor, Archibald Cox. That led to the resignation of his Attorney General, Elliot Richardson and Deputy Attorney General, William Ruckelshaus. You can’t cover up your crimes by abusing the power of your office. It is now only a matter of time. A Special Prosecutor will be appointed soon.