High Function: Functioning Highly

WASHINGTON – Looking like absolute hell in between his twit-storms, temper tantrums, self-aggrandizement and lying, The ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH did EXACTLY what Banana Republicans told him to do: signing shit to destroy the planet (Keystone XXL and DAPL pipelines), discriminate against women (abortion gag rule), order the destruction of government property (suspension of grants and contracts) and begin an administration-wide cover-up (gag order). So, for today, Putin took his hand out of the ORANGE PUPPET’s ass and LYIN’ RYAN put his hand right in. No wonder The LITTLE DICK-TATOR looks so haggard. A puppet cannot serve two masters. This will not end well, but judging by the looks of things, it may end soon…

WASHINGTON – Hapless stooge, SEAN SPITEFUL, had another humiliating episode of “lie or lose your job” today. Asserting that ADOLF TWITLER had secret knowledge of “three to five million illegals voting,” he reinforced the notion that the election was not legitimate. The only possible secret knowledge he could have would be knowledge that three to five million illegals voted for DONALD T. RUMP. Since he lost the popular vote by three million votes, and there were actually five million illegal votes for The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN, he actually would have lost the Electoral College vote too. Since he is refusing to reveal information regarding a massive federal crime, he must be impeached. It is strange that MANGO MUSSOLINI would continue to harp on this, but considering he is so far out of his depth, and about to cause his administration to collapse catastrophically, having this ridiculous fig leaf might be the very thing he needs get out before the shit hits the fan.

WASHINGTON – The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN met with Congressional leaders here for the first time today. And, because he still doesn’t understand, at seventy years of age, how the world works, rather than make the meeting about anything substantive, he made it all about his creepy little feelings again. He spent the first ten minutes of the meeting blathering on about how he only lost the popular vote because “millions of illegals voted.” Of course, no illegals voted. Just like no thousands and thousands of Muslims were cheering for the collapse of The World Trade Center on rooftops in New Jersey, and just like Barack Obama was not born in Kenya. But that didn’t stop him. The bizarre pathological need to have other people share in the sick delusion that he is successful has once again taken priority over the business of this nation. Because after all, what could possibly be more important for Congressional leaders to discuss than the sadness of a petty, simple-minded, credulous narcissist?

WASHINGTON – White House Advisor, KELLYANNE CONARTIST appeared on news programs today to repeat the ridiculous lies her BLOATED ORANGE MANCHILD of a boss and his hapless, witless, dishonest henchman, SEAN SPITEFUL made yesterday about turnout for the Coup D’etat. When she was called on the absurdity of the assertions, she said that SPITEFUL had offered “Alternative Facts.” This is a spineless and laughable euphemism. For your edification, MS. CONARTIST, here are some other synonyms for your bullshit: aspersion, backbiting, calumniation, calumny, defamation, detraction, deceit, deception, dishonesty, disinformation, distortion, evasion, fable, fabrication, falsehood, falseness, falsification, falsity, fib, fiction, forgery, fraudulence, guile, hyperbole, inaccuracy, invention, libel, lie, mendacity, misstatement, misrepresentation, myth, obloquy, perjury, prevarication, revilement, reviling, slander, subterfuge, tale, tall story, vilification, whopper. Learn them. They will become your mantra for the next four years.

WASHINGTON – While The FIFTH AVENUE HILLBILLY was down at Langley despicably whining about the half-empty National Mall rather than paying attention to the CIA’s briefing on National Security, he also sent out another Cry Baby, Press Secretary SEAN SPITEFUL, to whine to the press and lie about how many people were in attendance at the hate rally (oops, “Inauguration”) yesterday. Today, millions of people across the entire world marched in The Women’s March in protest of the PUMPKIN BUMPKIN’s Coup D’etat. More people in Washington marched today than attended the Coup and more people in hundreds of cities across the nation and around the world turned out in opposition. That did not sit well with the BLOATED ORANGE MANCHILD so he had to have an extra whiner. Lying doesn’t change the facts. Nobody came to the American Carnage shit show, and Millions came to march today. Boo hoo, “ORANGE GENIUS!”

WASHINGTON – After his hate-filled “American Carnage” address standing among a cadre of millionaires and billionaires, after his first official act screwed the middle class out of mortgage insurance premium relief, after he deleted climate change and LGBTQ links from The Whitehouse web site, after he signed an order disabling the Affordable Care Act, and after he identified people at one of his inaugural balls as “ENEMIES,” The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN attended a prayer meeting at The National Cathedral here today. We are not having any of it. He can put his tiny little hand over his stone-cold heart, and he can pretend to be as pious as he wants. But, NOTHING this ORANGE PUPPET does has ANYTHING to do with Jesus, nor ANYTHING to do with Christianity. The naked, abject greed of his cabinet nominees, and his own desperate need to be accepted by rich people (because he is actually broke and in the pocket of Russian oligarchs) flies in the face of every single thing Jesus ever said. You are not fooling anyone, you LITTLE DICK-TATOR!

WASHINGTON – As The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN placed one tiny little hand on The Bible and held the other tiny little hand in the air, our grand experiment in Democracy was diminished. Once the shining example of rule by the people, it is now simply another Banana Republic ruled by a ruthless, heartless, witless autocrat. After all the division, deprivation, retribution, bloodshed and hatred have passed, let us hope we still have something to rebuild four or, god forbid, eight years from now.

NEW YORK – After hearing from US Intelligence Agencies regarding PuppetMaster Putin’s hacking of the DNC, “ORANGE GENIUS,” Donald T. RUMP, explained that Russians were better at komputers and that the nation should just accept that they will be meddling in our affairs from now on. He also pointed out that only “overrated” Democrats were hacked while strong RNC komputers were not hacked. This is simply not true. What actually happened is that both sides were hacked. Both sides leaked vital information to the Russians. But, Putin, being a PuppetMaster played the game skillfully. While he leaked the DNC information to the press because there was nothing he could do other than embarrass the party, he kept the RNC data close to his vest. The reason is that he knows all of ADOLF TWITLER’s dirty little secrets (he’s broke, he is being strangled by debt, he engaged in lewd acts, etc.) and he has been blackmailing the PUMPKIN BUMPKIN ever since. Considering money grubbing T. RUMP can’t even throw a New Year’s Eve party without charging people $500, the number of other humiliating faux pas THE FIFTH AVENUE HILLBILLIES have been covering up must represent a treasure trove of actionable information. Once again, the MANGO MUSSOLINI was played like a violin.