« Archives in December, 2016

Enemies!

We are all united in HATE!

PALM BEACH – The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN sent off its message for the coming year. In it, the ORANGE PUPPET said, “Happy New Year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don’t know what to do.” So, understand this: more than half the registered voters in this nation are now ENEMIES of ADOLF TWITLER. The country which the ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH intends to lead actually has the term “United” in its name. But clearly, that is not how the WHINER-IN-CHIEF sees it. We are all enemies. And there are more of us than there are of the Deplorables. Resistance is our only course! Oh and Happy Hogmanay from High Function!

Puppeteer

Observe, Komrades: lips don’t even move!

NEW YORK – Putin’s little ORANGE PUPPET, Donald T. RUMP, was once again duped by its master into delivering the most imbecilic denial of Russian hacking today. Standing next to known murderer, Don “Stomper” King, it said this: “I think that komputers have complicated lives very greatly. The whole age of komputer has made it where nobody knows exactly what’s going on. We have speed, we have a lot of other things, but I’m not sure we have the kind of security we need.” Note the lack of a definite article in the phrase “whole age of komputer.” This is how Russians speak. It is so obedient, it didn’t even paraphrase it’s handler’s words, it repeated them verbatim. The Kremlin considers it a “Polezni Durak” or “Useful Fool.” And, just because some dim-witted narcissist doesn’t understand how computers work does not mean, “nobody knows exactly what’s going on.” We have plenty of people who know, “exactly what’s going on.” What’s going on is Putin has his hand up the ORANGE PUPPET’s ass, the PUMPKIN BUMPKIN got played, it is in the process of committing treason, and we will not forget.

True Meaning Of X-MAS

A punch for Baby Jesus!

NEW YORK – The ORANGE HITLER released its Christmas Card this week. The scintillating image of a soon-to-be LITTLE DICK-TATOR clenching its teeny, tiny little fist captured the spirit of the holiday perfectly! What says Peace on Earth more than a raised fist? What says family unity more than a person that has driven away all of the people in its life? But, since it is the season, we will end on a high note by saying one positive thing about Donald T. RUMP: he is mortal and reaching the end of his actuarial life expectancy. Ho, ho, ho.

The Fifth Avenue Hillbillies

Ew, just ew

NEW YORK – You can just feel the creepiness in this image. First, THE ORANGE VOLCANO OF HATESPEECH, Donald T. RUMP a self-identified misogynist, is seated while its third wife is standing (creepy). Second that child is not allowed anywhere near the MANGO MUSSOLINI, but rather must remain on the other side of the room because it does not love its son, it loves only itself (creepy). And third, it is actually seated in a hokey gold-plated chair because it imagines somebody with “class” would sit on such a magnificent shit stool (creepy). This caricature of a family is the best it can do. Its own upbringing was so devoid of human kindness that it can only imagine what a “real” family would look like. As we prepare for this embarrassingly unsophisticated travelling circus to snake its way to our nation’s capital we should all take a moment to point and laugh while we still have permission. After January 20, it is very likely the emperor’s lack of clothing will not be something we will be allowed to discuss.