High Function: Life During The Fourth Reich

NEW YORK – So, three weeks in to the formation of the Fourth Reich, and our petty LITTLE DICK-TATOR simply can not help himself. During the waning days of America-the-Hopeful, Animal Trainer, Kelly Anne CONARTIST, was able to wrestle the rolly-polly tyrant, Donald T. RUMP, to the ground and pry the phone out of his puny hands. But, now, he is out of control. He is emitting hatred and vitriol into the twittersphere again. For somebody who purports to have won an election, he is still exhibiting a surprising amount of insecurity. Not only did he claim that he would have won the popular vote if he had campaigned in California (not a chance!), but has since claimed that “millions of illegal votes” were cast. So, ORANGE HITLER is still so angry about winning that he has decided to undermine the legitimacy of his own election. When he promised to be “more presidential than anyone,” who knew that presidential would become a synonym for immature, juvenile, childish and petulant? Underlying this relentless need for validation there has to be some serious mental dysfunction. Clearly, as a child, he was humiliated by his peers and swore revenge. Then, apparently, Mommy stopped coming to his rescue, and Daddy stopped caring. There was no way to quell the rage building up inside the fragile MANGO MUSSOLINI. And, sadly, as a nation, we clearly failed to provide the level of mental-healthcare he should have received. But, this is all a ruse. Yes, he is desperate for approval, yes, he lives in a delusional state where “everybody loves him,” yes he throws temper tantrums and actually cries himself to sleep, and yes he is incapable of facing his own failures (he is a broke-ass heir who could not even best Daddy at business with all of Daddy’s money), but no, we should not fall for the subterfuge! He is installing a criminal enterprise at the very heart of our government, and all anyone in the media can do is repeat his pathetic tirades. Pay Attention! Twitter, schmitter! Watch what else he is doing, and be prepared for a very rough ride!

HAVANA – Se murio.

NEW YORK – As this dreadful transition sinks in to the person most taken by surprise, ORANGE HITLER, it is good to know that his offspring have matters well in hand. After asking how many of the personnel in the West Wing would be staying on, not understanding that they are political appointees, it finally dawned on these children that they would have to find four thousand Americans who had not been insulted by Daddy. But, that’s okay. Why would you need staffers when you don’t even return calls to The Pentagon, The State Department, The CIA or The FBI? ORANGE HITLER has requested Top Secret security clearances for all them. So, he wants the family to run his business, but at the same time, gain access to all National Security intelligence. Blind trust, indeed!

On other fronts, he has selected an inexperienced political hack, Reince Priebus, as his Chief of Staff, and a raging, racist, white nationalist, Steve Bannon (of Breitbart fame), as his Chief Strategist. So, the guy who ran “The Best” campaign, is now going about surrounding himself with “The Best” dimwits, bigots, oh and descendants, he can find. This should all end well.

WASHINGTON – While Eternal Fuckface Paul Ryan gets busy declaring that ORANGE HITLER now has a mandate from the ‘Muricans, the fact remains that nearly 400,000 more ballots were cast for Clinton in the shitshow we are calling the 2016 presidential election. Of course, modern Republicans treat facts like ORANGE HITLER treats women’s genitals: with zero respect, and plenty of aimless grabbing.

What the fuck is the electoral college, and why are we using it?? This system has the potential to allow for 23% of the American voting population to elect a president.

We are all looking for good news right now, as elusive as that may be. Well, here’s some. Democratic presidential candidates have had the will of the people behind them since November 3rd, 1992. In other words, we haven’t lost a popular vote since Dr. Dre released The Chronic, when Nirvana was still actively touring. Michael Dukakis was the last Democrat to not win the popular vote, and I can live with that. It may be an improbably tough battle, but we MUST get rid of the electoral college.

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – It is immediately and painfully obvious that racism, misogyny, homophobia, and hatred all mustered a decisive win in America on Tuesday. Because of this, I personally feel ashamed to call myself an American. I sense the existence of another nation, one in which 59,821,874 people have developed a theory of mind that is foreign to me in all of its content and structure, in all of its odd rationalizations, and in its categorization of other living, breathing, humans as those who are worthy of respect and those who are not. This alternate nation is fucking disgusting, and they have elected a leader who represents these characteristics for all Americans: ORANGE HITLER.

Like most of you, I feel isolated and betrayed right now. I feel like I am grasping for options that have not yet materialized. I feel like I am being laughed at by a repugnant collective that elected a fucking maniac to lead our nation. We have no options in the Congress, in the Senate, and most importantly, in the future Supreme Court. I am truly scared, and I am out of options right now.

Out of a barrage of thoughts that have sprung up in my mind over the last few days, a significant amount of ire has developed and it is focused on the DNC. Although I have no proof to substantiate this claim, I will still make it and I will stand behind it: progressives and their cause were betrayed by an establishment DNC and the corporatist, neo-con individuals who have led it for the past several years. I have no way of knowing what the outcome of this election may have been, had Bernie Sanders been endorsed as our candidate for president. I continue to tell myself a hopeful story that ends with progressivism winning in our nation, whether this is based in empiricism or not.

This is where I will focus my efforts in the immediate term. We cannot control the theory of mind that is developed in individuals across our nation, nor should we attempt to. I will never change the attitude and structure of a bigoted individual – that is up to them. However, I feel that I can play a part in uniting those of us who give a shit about empathy, humanity, and civil rights. I would like to propose the argument that this begins with a concerted effort at unifying the DNC, and removing the constituents who think that progressivism entails “working across the aisle” with corporatists and moderate republicans who could give a fuck about the rest of us, lest their stock gives up a percentage. I am going to give them my 1/60,122,876^th worth of rage, one letter at a time. Will you join me?

Democratic National Committee
430 South Capitol Street Southeast
Washington, DC 20003

We assumed we were making a difference. We thought we were on a road to equality, fairness, and justice for all. How could we go wrong? What we got instead is racism, mysogyny, and zealotry writ large. We got white privilege, white nationalism, and hatred. We got an anti-abortion, anti-science, anti-LGBT, anti-immigration con man, and a whole mess of congresspeople to go with it. We got Orange Hitler.

To say that this is unacceptable is the understatement of our times. It is shocking and disgusting that so many of our fellow Americans would vote for racism, for police brutality and racially motivated extra-judicial killings, for Islamaphobia, for the objectification of women. But in America, we still have a voice. We are called upon by a respect for Human Rights and basic decency to stand up and speak out.

We reject Orange Hitler and everything he stands for. We reject the gerrymandering Republicans in Congress and their voter suppression techniques. Republicans are now more than ever the enemies of the American People. If Orange Hilter and the Republicans believe that the country will “bind the wounds of division,” they are dead wrong. We believe in decency, equality, fairness, and social justice. Orange Hitler will NEVER be our President. We will actively resist his policies and ideas. We will protest, we will complain, we will make our voices heard in congress, and we will call out and make public every bad idea, and we will show the American people what a fucking idiot Orange Hilter is. We will not stop until Orange Hitler and his enabling Republicans have lost all power.

Fuck Orange Hitler.

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – Vote!

WASHINGTON – On the Sunday before the election, FBI Director, James Comey, finally admitted that there is “no there, there” in the Weiner email investigation! So, he put his thumb on the scale for The Orange Volcano Of Hatespeech, and then, “suddenly,” realized he was wrong. Time for him to go. Comey, Go Homey! Everybody else, get out and VOTE!!!!!

WASHINGTON – Illegal immigrant, Melania T. RUMP, came to this country to take a job away from an American. By her husband’s, The Orange Volcano of Hatespeech’s, way of thinking, she should be detained and deported. Every single thing T. RUMP has EVER said has been a lie. We are doomed. Get out and VOTE!

Update: She did take a job no American wants, being Mrs. T. RUMP!