High Function: Functioning Highly

JUPITER – Corey Lewandowski, the creepy Campaign manager for Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP was arrested here today and charged with simple battery against a reporter, Michelle Fields. Even though Fields sustained bruises during the incident, and even though there is clear video evidence which was recorded by the orange-faced fascist’s own campaign, the jiggly-joweled egomaniac is actually attempting to deny it happened suggesting that Fields had inflicted the bruises on herself for some reason. The hatred and mistreatment of women within the campaign has once again reached the level of physical violence (remember, CARIBOU BARBIE feels that beating up women is a good way to send messages to the President). But, for the would-be bloviator-in-chief, it is just business as usual. RUMP bellowed, “Corey is an obedient servant who can beat up any woman half his size!”

CLEVELAND – As the locals petition to bring their guns into the Banana Republican convention here this Summer, Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP, is actively instructing his supporters to start rioting if he is not nominated. The one and only problem is that RUMP has never received a majority of the vote in any primary election. More Banana Republicans have voted against him than for him. But, if you are the meanest little bully on the playground, rioting is just the same as voting. As DESPERATE Donald’s insecurities become more and more apparent, his narcissism will require that he strike out against anybody who dares to question his supremacy. Considering Ohio is an open-carry gun state, the locals should be allowed to bring firearms. What could possibly go wrong?

YOUNGSTOWN – As Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP slithers into town for yet another hate fest, even the breathless press is starting to notice the increasingly violent reception to which protesters are being subjected at these Klan rallies. Over the weekend, the RUMP campaign was forced to cancel events due to the rising tension among his loyal KKK attendees and any number of “other” people. Whether there are Mexicans, Muslims, women, “The Blacks” or Catholics at hand, if they ain’t wearin’ hoods, they’s fair game! And in his usual style, the first thing the orange-faced narcissist tried to do was blame others. The list included: Bernie Sanders, ISIS, Barack Obama and eventually, every non-white male in the country. Although he has encouraged his brain-dead followers to knock people down, punch people in the face, make sure they are carried out on stretchers and rough ’em up and, although he has promised that he would pay the legal fees for any of his supporters who are caught criminally assaulting innocent people, he expressed surprise that violence has been erupting at his cross burnings! As footage spills out over the airwaves of mobs of angry white thugs pummeling and pepper-spraying innocent men and women of color, RUMP declares that the events are “love fests” (if this is what passes for love, it is no wonder he has so many ex-wives!). All the violence and fascist rhetoric aside, this speaks directly to the character of RUMP. While he constantly makes outrageous and false assertions, as soon as he is held to account, he deflects, dissembles, points fingers and attempts to dodge responsibility. The angry Klansmen at these smackdowns are clamoring for a champion. Yet, when it comes time to stand up and answer for his actions, to take responsibility for his words and deeds, he ducks and covers! The big bully has a yellow streak a mile wide, and all it takes is one valid accusation to make him turn tail and run! That is truly the type of leadership that will “Make America HATE Again!”

FLORIDA (His only hope) – Can this guy even count?  Every time there’s a primary or caucus, ROBOTIO gives a brain-freeze-inducing “victory” speech.  What the hell for?  2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th place candidates don’t make it to the primary!

Face it, Banana Republicans, you’ve courted crazy for a long time, and now the inmates are taking over the asylum.

JUPITER – During an interview on CNN today, Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP, outdid himself. He hate-splained that the reason he HATES all Muslims is because “Islam Hates Us.” This is the kind of circular logic that only works if you are prancing around in a white hood with a gun in your hand. While his devotees are out physically assaulting anybody at his hate rallies that appears to be non-white, he is actively fanning the flames. The bizarre transfer of his hatred of Muslims onto the the Muslims themselves is a typical bully tactic. He can rationalize his infantile behavior by screaming that he had no choice. The thin skin and maniacal sensitivity to even the most inconsequential slight is going to make it very difficult for the nation to follow him when he occupies The White House. Considering how often the targets of his ire change and considering how nonchalantly he advocates torture, even with the full might of the US Military behind him, he will eventually run out of resources. Are Muslim members of the Armed Forces supposed to torture themselves? Are they expected to “self-deport” to Guantanamo Bay? How, exactly, is all of this supposed to work? Will anybody have time for family, work, leisure and innovation, or will we all be pressed into service either torturing or being tortured? For all of you angry white males supporting this campaign, do you have any idea how you will live after you have rounded up, beaten, tortured or deported all of your perceived enemies? Do you not see that once all Mexicans, Muslims, women, “The Blacks” and Catholics are gone, and all that is left is a bunch of angry gun-wielding white men, you will have to turn on each other? Making America HATE again is not going to be very economically productive. So, as scarcity sets in, which of your brethren under the hoods, shoulder-to-shoulder with you right now, will be your undoing? How will you be able to tell before it is too late?

JUPITER – At a press conference here today, Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP stated that he now wants to “unify” the Banana Republican party. That means all “Poorly-Educated” white men, all gun-damentalist white men, all middle-class white men with hearts full of bigotry and all rich white douchebags (like the Swindler himself) can join together in hatred. As long as Mexicans, Muslims, women, “The Blacks” and Catholics, are not among them, there will be unity! He promised that for this group, he would be “more presidential than anyone!” Who knew that the first presidential issue on the minds of all of these diverse groups of white men would be the size of their candidate’s genitalia? This is going to be one wild ride!

SIMI VALLEY, CA – Goodbye, Old Paint.

DETROIT – At the Banana Republican debate here last night, the “boys” outdid themselves. First, apparently a very important topic to Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP, was covered: the size of his genitalia. RUMP said the size was not a problem, but he said it twice, so you know it was a lie. The rest of the evening was equally juvenile with the three leading candidates behaving like petulant children. There was the usual bluster: Barack Obama bad, war good, taxes bad, Mexicans, Muslims and women bad (?), torture manly. But, there was no real discussion of substance. And that is it. If you are a Banana Republican, you must now make your choice based on your limited knowledge of your candidates’ behavior. Behavior they should have outgrown some forty or fifty years ago. Mind you, if all you care about is hatred, maybe those grown-up topics wouldn’t sway you one way or another. So, take pride in your slate of candidates, they have your number!

SALT LAKE CITY – Former Banana Republican candidate, Mitt WRONGNEY, was exhumed today to deliver a cogent criticism of Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP. The general message was that RUMP is not trustworthy, that he is a poor businessperson, and as has been expressed here repeatedly, that RUMP is a swindler. Many, many of the facts WRONGNEY cited made his argument quite compelling. The argument was so compelling that the first thing RUMP said was that it was “irrelevant.” Subsequently, RUMP — who claims to have, “Da highest IQ evah!” — spent twenty minutes refuting the irrelevancies. Whereas WRONGNEY asserted that RUMP does not have the temperament to be president, RUMP showed him! He stated that WRONGNEY was a “Dooh-Dooh Head” and warned him that he had better watch himself if he comes to the playground during recess! This astonishingly mature outburst from the Banana Republican frontrunner certainly put to rest any questions about his emotional maturity and fitness to serve.

LOUISVILLE – As white supremacists roughed up black attendees at a hate rally here yesterday, Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP took time to express his pride regarding his endorsement by Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard, David Duke. He then complained that he was not allowed to advocate violence toward his audience for fear that the big-bad media would pick on him. His thin skin makes it very difficult not to hurt his feelings. But, once in a while, somebody at a rally stands up and tells the truth. Well, not anymore! The KKK will now openly provide “security” at his rallies. While any decent human being would exhibit shame if his or her abject prejudice were exposed, RUMP actually revels in his bigotry. Are Americans really so starstruck that they will allow the former host of “The Bachelorette” to occupy the Oval Office? We deserve our fate.