High Function: Functioning Highly

DES MOINES – As Banana Republicans prepare to caucus here tomorrow, there is a significant change in the offing. The candidate they are about to choose, Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP, is fanning the flames of hatred and racial animus. He hates Latinos and hates being called a xenophobe. He hates “The Blacks” and hates being called a racist. He hates Muslims and hates being called a bigot. He hates women and hates being called a misogynist. That is a lot of hate. Essentially, the only thing he does not hate is bullying others. But he is so thin-skinned that he can not handle others calling him a bully. He has exhibited a profound lack of understanding of our system of government. Although he dodged the draft in his youth, he has no qualms about suggesting other Americans go fight a dirty war on his behalf. Multiple white supremacist groups have endorsed him. And, low-information, angry, white, middle-class males are eating it up! There is no other candidate in either party who can manipulate the media the way he does. And, sadly, that manipulation is being used to make hatred acceptable. His narcissism appears to these disaffected voters to be strength. But he has a “tell.” When he is lying, he repeats himself. Check out every speech, television interview, and telephone conversation he has made during this campaign. WHENEVER he repeats the same assertion twice, he is conscious of his deception. He can not hide it. And, some day, Americans will wake up. Let us just hope it happens before Tuesday, November Eighth! Then and only then will we be able to rise above this hatred and “Make America Great Again” instead.

DES MOINES – After his last tussle with FAUX News Anchor, Megyn Kelly, Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP is afraid of a rematch. Of all the charges leveled at him by all the various accusers, it seems the one he can not escape is that he is an abject misogynist. After Kelly asked him about his disgustingly sexist remarks about women, he actually tried to dismiss her query by implying that she was menstruating. Thus, ironically, proving her point. He thought that would be that. But, FAUX News is hosting another debate here on Thursday. And Megyn Kelly will be a moderator. Donald T. RUMP tried throwing a temper tantrum to get Kelly replaced as moderator, but FAUX News didn’t budge. So, the PantsWetter-In-Chief now has to add Megyn Kelly to the list of big scary people from whom he must hide. He is actually refusing to appear in the debate because someone has chosen to stand up to his bullying. And like all bullies, when his bluff was called, he scurried off with his tail between his legs. This is the type of leadership Banana Republicans want for America.

MALHEUR NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGE – Finally! As these self-identified Radical Mormon Terrorists left their little OWL QAEDA COWLIPHATE campout to meet with some sympathizers, the FBI moved in and the terrorists started shooting. FBI agents killed one, put one in the hospital and rounded up six others — including their leader, AMMOSEXUAL Bundy. Whoops! Weren’t they supposed to go down in a blaze of glory? Didn’t they promise us they would not be taken alive? Only one of them kept his word. The rest turned out to be cowards. Cowards with guns.

TULSA – At another hate-fueled rally for Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP, CARIBOU BARBIE explained that her drunken son beat up his girlfriend to teach Obama a lesson about “respect.” He served in the Army under President MORON and now suffers from PTSD. Somehow, CARIBOU BARBIE determined that the welfare of the battered woman (not a single word of sympathy for her) was not as important as turning her son’s infirmity into a political football. This is what passes for political dialogue in the Banana Republican party today. The candidate mocks the infirm and his surrogate advocates violence against women as a way to send messages to the President. These people are truly fucking sick.

AMES – Today, Half-Term Governor CARIBOU BARBIE endorsed the Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler. Their combined IQ definitely approaches room temperature, so that is a huge win for Donald T. RUMP. He has also proudly accepted the endorsement of several White-Supremacist groups recently. He now has the dimwit and bigot votes in the bag! Big doin’s in Iowa…

MALHEUR NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGE – As intent as Banana Republicans are on having us refer to ISIS as Radical Islamic Fundamentalist Terrorists, it behooves us to return the favor. Even though there is absolutely nothing within Mormon teachings about taking up arms against the Federal Government, just the mere fact that the OWL QAEDA occupiers here were raised in the Mormon faith taints all adherents of that religion. After all, in T. RUMP’s America, if one practitioner of a religion is a terrorist, all practitioners of that religion are terrorists. So, as these Gun-Loving Right-Wing NutJobs work to establish their new COWliphate, we must all call upon Donald T. RUMP to start building a wall around Oregon and make Cliven Bundy and his hateful spawn, Ammon, pay for it. Just until we “figure out what the hell is going on.”