High Function: Functioning Highly

HAVANA – Although NOUCHEBAG promised us he would either be dead or in jail if President Barack Obama got re-elected, sadly he is neither. However, a very different Ted NOUCHEBAG set the record straight here today. On Twitter, he typed, “@WolfBlitzer is a journalist & Im a gay pirate from Cuba”. Well, the first part is true; there does not seem to be any evidence that Wolf Blitzer has any other occupation. And so, therefore, it is probably safe to assume the second part is also true. Overlooking his punctuation error, on its face the compound statement is a real step forward for this has-been. The fact that he has kept the secrets of his birthplace, his occupation and his sexual orientation hidden for so many years must have been the cause of all the intense anger that he has harbored for so many years. He has expressed extreme hatred for women, African-Americans, communists and gay people. It is that last one that is so telling. Until now, he has spent his entire life wallowing in self-hatred. We can only hope that now that his secret is out, he will be able to come to terms with his true self, and maybe, just maybe lighten up on the hate speech.

DENTON, TX – The Banana Republican gubernatorial candidate, Gregg ABJECT Abbott, appeared here today with the ultra-right-wing musical has-been, Ted NOUCHEBAG. That is the same NOUCHEBAG who said this in Las Vegas in January, “I have obviously failed to galvanize and prod, if not shame enough Americans to be ever vigilant not to let a Chicago communist-raised, communist-educated, communist-nurtured subhuman mongrel like the ACORN community organizer gangster Barack Hussein Obama to weasel his way into the top office of authority in the United States of America.” This outrageous expression of racial hatred and division is intended to gain the support of their core constituents. This is what Banana Republicans truly believe. Pay attention!

JACKSONVILLE – Once again, a jury in Florida has failed to reach a verdict in case where a white person of shooting an unarmed black teenager in cold blood. Although Murderous Michael Dunn was convicted of attempting to murder the other teenagers in the car, the idiocy of the Stand Your Ground Law enabled a self-identified racist to get away with the murder of Jordan Davis. The spineless douchebag sat in front of a jury and spun a ridiculous tale about a car full of kids playing loud music that was so frightening to him that he simply had to pull out a gun and shoot at them over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. And the jury bought it! What the hell is wrong with the justice system down there? How many more innocent black teenage males must die before Floridians come to their senses and repeal that outrageous law?

WASHINGTON – Junior Kentucky Senator and haircare product aficionado, BLAND Paul, is feeling left out. While his potential rival for the next Banana Republican Presidential nomination, CRISCO Christie, is flaming out on all channels, poor little BLAND can’t get a sound byte to save his life. So, rather than formulating a visionary message to inspire the American people, he is doing the one thing Banana Republicans do better than anyone else — he’s going negative! On a President who left office thirteen years ago!

To put BLAND’s attack in context, first, this fact: Banana Republicans are waging and all-out War-On-Women. They have fought mightily to prevent women from earning equal pay for equal work. They have decried the coverage of birth control under the Affordable Care Act. They have introduced the term “legitimate rape” because, in their world view, some forms of rape are apparently acceptable. In some states, they have enacted legislation that criminalizes the termination of any pregnancy resulting from a case of rape, even an incestuous rape. In some states, they have enacted laws that prohibit a woman from terminating a pregnancy even if that pregnancy is going to kill her. They do these things because they do not believe women are citizens entitled to equal rights, but rather, less-than-human vessels who may be forced by the government to reproduce against their will. They rationalize this intense hatred of women by expressing a very selective interpretation of a phrase or two found in a work of fiction (The Bible).

So, BLAND has hit upon a way to grab some attention. He has concocted a theory that somehow, Bill Clinton’s dalliance with a White House Intern, Monica Lewinsky, is justification for the entire aforementioned War-On-Women! The reasoning is somewhat murky, but the premise is that Bill Clinton’s being a Democrat means that any woman who supports any Democrat automatically cedes her right to expect equal protection under the law. This is top-notch Banana Republican thinking for the twenty-first century. It should be exposed at every turn. So, let’s all hope BLAND gets his moment in the limelight. It’s not as though any Banana Republican is going to come up with anything constructive to say in the next two years.