High Function: Functioning Highly

WASHINGTON – In a press Conference here today, NRA CEO, Executive Vice President, and foaming-at-the-mouth rabid Gun-Nut, Wayne “Kill ‘Em All” LaPierre, announced that what happened last week in Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Connecticut was entirely the fault of the teachers and first-graders who were slain. He expressed his outrage that parents would send their children to an elementary school unarmed, and that people who dedicated their lives to nurturing and educating children would not think to bring guns to work. He had nothing but praise for the brave shooter — who murdered his own mother in her sleep with her own gun — extolling his handiwork. LaPierre crowed about how a puny little twerp armed with nothing more than a soldier’s rifle and a couple of pistols was able to shoot his way into an elementary school and heroically murder six unarmed women, twelve little girls and eight little boys. He complimented the killer’s marksmanship noting that he was able to put as many as eleven bullets into one child’s body. He closed by reminding everyone that these sorts of mass killing sprees express the true spirit of America, and that they are exactly what the framers of The Constitution had in mind when they crafted the term, “well regulated militia.”

WASHINGTON – Delusional, teary-eyed Oompa Loompa, John BONER, still doesn’t understand how elections work. Athough his side was trounced in November, he still thinks he has the same leverage as he did back then. He threatened loudly yesterday to pass his “Plan B” which pandered to the very wealthy with drastic punishment for the middle class, or what is known as Banana Republican business as usual. He said that once it passed, President Barack Obama would be responsible for the largest tax increase in history. Sadly, he forgot that he is a Speaker in Name Only, and that Eric CANTWIN, Barbara BOTCHMANN and the Tea-Baggers are really in charge. He couldn’t even marshall his minions to pass the very plan he devised to shame The White House. That’s okay, BONER, it happens to a lot of Bananas…