« Archives in January, 2012

PUNTSMAN

Wait, which one was I?

MYRTLE BEACH – In a surprise move Presidential Overly-Hopeful, John PUNTSMAN, punted on his campaign here today. The surprise stemmed from that fact that nobody knew he was running in the first place. At the very least, his action allowed us to mock his name in this manner, rather than resorting to some other less fortunate rhyme (like DUNCE-MAN?)… Still plenty of lunacy left in the clown parade, but this weekend’s South Carolina Primary may spell the end for more of the “I Am Not A Mormon” crowd.

WRONGNEY (Yawn) Takes New Hampshire For Granite

Not a single new idea!

MANCHESTER, NH – Predictably, the ever flip-flopping empty suit, Mitt “Corporations Are People” WRONGNEY, won the Banana Republican primary here tonight. His speech, long on false assertions about President Obama, and short on original ideas, was exactly what anyone would have expected. It inspired none and promised nothing credible. After a week of WRONGNEY bashing ads from NEWTIE “Everybody Is A Socialist” GIN-GRINCH’s PAC, and two weekend debates — notable only because TEXECUTIONER, Rick PERIGEE (the lowest point), actually suggested we start the Iraq war again(!) — really nothing changed. As the rest of the primary process is now just a slog, the only hope is that the other desperate also-rans ratchet up the crazy. Speaking of which, WRONG “Last Nutjob Standing” Paul came in second! Rick “Frothy” SANTORUM slid back down behind. They can’t all be corkers. Next it’s on to South Carolina where the insanity will fly! They’ve got racists, christianists, gun nuts and anti-intellectuals. Now that’s a Banana Republican big tent!

Loser

I had the mental illness vote locked up!

DES MOINES – Another clown is voted off the island. In a delusional, anger-filled, anti-Obama rant here today, batshit-crazy motormouth, Michele “Government Injections” BOTCHMANN, finally acknowledged that coming in dead last in her own home state was not going to propel her to Sixteen Hundred Pennsylvania Avenue. This must have devastated the four or five people who actually voted for her. Significantly, it did demonstrate that even for TeaBaggers there is some upper limit on the amount provably inaccurate blather they can tolerate. Her departure doesn’t really change the dynamic of the show though; those remaining still exhibit: bigotry, ignorance, insanity, vengefulness and spinelessness. Plenty of laughs still to come.

SANTORUM Surges From Behind In Iowa

A frothy number two in Iowa

DES MOINES – While the icky headline seems as though it would be more a matter of personal hygiene than a political story, it is, in fact, what happened at the caucuses here tonight. Rick “Frothy” SANTORUM ended up in a dead heat with flip-flopping empty-suit, Mitt WRONGNEY — WRONGNEY ultimately won by eight votes. Racist nut-job, WRONG Paul, finished third. Angry, petulant Newtie “I am more corrupt than all these guys put together” GIN-GRINCH promised to punish everybody who voted against him. TEXECUTIONER, Rick PERIGEE (the lowest point), made some noises about bowing out. And, although she doesn’t know it yet, batshit-crazy motormouth, Michele “Government Injections” BOTCHMANN, has rambled her last ramble: finally! Watching Banana Republicans trash each other can be endlessly entertaining, and whoever continues will be back in a debate phase of this clown parade on Saturday!