« Archives in December, 2011

Castrated by TeaBaggers

It's true... They're gone... Probably gonna miss 'em

WASHINGTON – And in the end, the Do-Nothing Congress could not escape its destiny. The Banana Republicans sent the payroll tax holiday extension bill to conference committee — thus killing it — and, it is going to cost, on average, every wage earning American forty dollars a paycheck. Over the Summer, these Banana Republicans were literally screaming about protecting the wealthy from a tax increase. They pointed to a pledge to some shadowy, slimy creature called a Grover WHOREQUIST that could smite them where they stood if they ever even thought about raising taxes on the wealthy. Somehow, destroying the country’s credit rating to protect four hundred wealthy individuals from higher taxes was not too extreme, but simply bringing a bill to the floor for a vote (their actual job) to protect one hundred sixty million Americans from higher taxes was too much. Teary-eyed Oompah Loompah, John BONER is now a eunuch. And if you ever believe another word a Banana Republican says to you, you are an imbecile.

INEVITABLE!

Inevitable!

PYONGYANG – Well, as the movie, “Team America,” would have it, it was INEVITABLE! One more tyrant gone. Since President Barack Obama took office: three tyrants retired or deceased (President MORON, Moammar GODAWFUL, and Kim Jong “Inevitable” Il), and one terrorist (Osama bin Laden).

Joke’s Over

Blame yourselves, but don't expect the same from me!

ATLANTA – Comedic presidential candidate, Herman “All Women Are Liars” CAIN’T appeared outside his new campaign headquarters here yesterday. The man who famously advised the ninety-nine percenters, who were laid off by the very Wall Street firms they were protesting, that they should blame themselves for their lack of employment, had a very different take on his own plight. After five different women came forward with tales of sexual harassment, sexual assault and just plain old sexual infidelity, he asserted that they were all lying as part of some vast conspiracy to keep him out of the White House. Speculating on who might be behind this conspiracy, he blamed his fellow Banana Republicans, TEXECUTIONER Rick PERIGEE (the lowest point) and Ever Flip-Flopping Empty Suit, Mitt WRONGNEY. He then blamed “The Left-Wing Media” (a fictional beast that seems to torpedo many a right-wingnut). Finally, he blamed “The Establishment!” Yes, “The Establishment,” the very people against whom the ninety-nine percenters were protesting! In fact, he ultimately blamed every single person on the face of the Earth except for himself. So much for accountability.

During his mindless, rambling speech, he managed to intimate that his never having held public office was somehow an advantage. He explained that he was not the usual type of candidate and this was why he was losing. Sadly, his explanation fell short. From his wilful ignorance of foreign affairs (think U-beki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan), to his outrageously regressive tax plan, to his admission that his confusion over Libya was due to having “a lot of things twirling around” in his head, to his outright trashing of all of his female accusers, he just proved that he is the exact sort of egotistical, uninformed, misogynistic, self-serving douchebag the Tea Baggers have always supported!

Ultimately, he QUIT! It really didn’t matter though; he wasn’t going to win. But, his laughable antics did make watching the Banana Republican food fight a little easer. Ah well, there’s still plenty of batshit craziness, immigrant bashing, finger pointing, truth distorting and outright lying to go around…