« Archives in October, 2011

Banana Republicans, Do You Remember Your Last Choice?

Serve the people? Never! I only serve the party!

WASHINGTON – Treble-chinned reptile, Mitch MCCONMAN, stated again today that the only Banana Republican legislative goal for this term is to defeat Barack Obama. And the suffering their inaction inflicts on the poor and the middle class is just so much collateral damage. So, as the Banana Republicans sift through the mixed bag of rigid ideologues, nut-jobs, and religiously motivated bigots to select their next candidate, they would do well to reflect on the last time. Don’t they remember who they nominated? Don’t they remember who Barack Obama defeated? It was a spineless, superannuated gelding, YAWN MCLAME, with wishy-washy views; who named a dim-witted country bumpkin as a running mate — a stroke of genius! And, where is that heroic figure now? Holding forth on the floor of The Senate about how the bus the Secret Service acquired for The President was made in Canada. That’s right, their last choice for leader of the free world is shaking his fist and yelling at his fellow legislators to, “Get off my lawn!” His complete lack of relevance so shortly after his defeat just goes to show what a poor choice he was. Now, whether they go with the endlessly flip-flopping next-in-line empty suit, another TEXECUTIONER, a mathematically challenged pizza maker, or any one of their many poster children for mental illness, they should remember that simply regurgitating talking points is not the same as leadership. And, that style is no match for substance.

Moammar GODAWFUL: Another One Bites The Dust

Where are my hallucination pills?

SIRTE – Moammar “Batshit Crazy” GODAWFUL was captured alive and killed here today. Hooray! Few people deserve their fate; he did.

CANTWIN Actually Thinks The Solution Is To Give The One-Percenters MORE, That’s Right, MORE!

Are you saying there is something other than greed?

WASHINGTON – In a bold move today, a Banana Republican, Eric CANTWIN, finally broke his silence on the ninety-nine percenters protesting in major cities throughout the world. He acknowledged that there is in fact an income disparity and proposed a solution. While American corporations currently have over two trillion dollars in cash on their balance sheets, and while unemployment hovers around nine percent, he reasoned that the way to “create jobs” for all the angry mobs was to give MORE MONEY TO THE ONE PERCENT! Clearly, he has his finger on the pulse of this movement.

Religious Intolerance Twists Banana Republicans Into A Circular Firing Squad

Intolerance in the guise of Christianity! Ours is a proud tradition of hypocrisy!

WASHINGTON – While Herman “Godfather of Prejudice” CAIN’T’s mistrust of Muslims has been well documented, there are other forms of religious intolerance within the Banana Republican party that have not been quite so thoroughly exposed. Today at the provably inaccurately named “Values Voters Conference,” several Banana Republican candidates took turns Obama bashing, middle class denigrating and millionaire coddling. Nothing new, of course, but there was another much more insidious message coming out of this Right Wingnut coffee klatch. The so-called evangelical Baptist pastor, Robert Jeffress, who introduced TEXECUTIONER Rick PERIGEE (the lowest point) stated that, “Mormonism is a cult!” And further, this supposed man of the cloth said that flip-flopping empty suit, Mitt WRONGNEY was therefore, “not a Christian!” While it would be natural for liberals to encourage loud, public infighting among Banana Republicans, in this case, liberals must call this person out. Considering how often christiansists shove their delusional beliefs down the throats of the general public (think: defunding of Planned Parenthood, forcing the teaching of creationism and requiring “abstinence only” sex education), it is simply outrageous that they should trash one of their own for his religious views. While The Constitution clearly separates church from State, these people have no qualms about trying to force a sectarian agenda on the rest of society. And, in that light, for Banana Republicans to assert that there is only “One True Crazy” — and nobody else’s hallucinations will be tolerated — is simply wrong.

Empty Suit Gives Empty Speech

I will boldly lead you backwards to the twentieth century!

CHARLESTON – On this, the tenth anniversary of President MORON’s war in Afghanistan, the ever flip-flopping empty suit known as Mitt WRONGNEY gave a sabre rattling speech here at The Citadel Military College. Sadly, he misquoted the Declaration of Independence. In his version, “all men are created and endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights.” His elitism precludes him from using the word “equal” (think President MORON mangling the phrase “fool me twice, shame on me”). He had a muddled message on Afghanistan; get out now, stay there indefinitely, whatever the generals say so long as it isn’t what Barack Obama is doing. He has now honed his skill to the point that he can flip-flop within a single sentence! Next, he actually tried to restart the cold war (he must be channelling that other Banana Republican luminary, batshit crazy Michele BOTCHMANN)! He then threatened Iran, North Korea, Cuba and Venezuela — all the usual suspects. He also promised more insane amounts of military spending without raising taxes on the wealthy — implying that the middle class would be squeezed for yet another Pentagon boondoggle. Ultimately, by expressing his incoherent, outdated view of the world, he wound up proving exactly why he should not be president. But, hey, that could change any minute, then again it could change right back the next, he is just that wishy-washy.


Quitting again? You bet'cha!

ANCHORAGE – In another stunningly boring bit of Banana Republican non-news, half-term, half-witted former Governor, CARIBOU BARBIE, announced that she is not running for President! It actually took her this long to figure out that nobody was going to vote for her. But Banana Republicans should not fret. After all, among the announced candidates there is still plenty of crazy, ignorant, anti-intellectualism to go around.

Blame Yourself

I don't need facts, I just run my mouth!

NEW YORK – Islamophobic candidate, Herman “Godfather of Prejudice” CAIN’T, gave an interview to the Wall Street Journal here yesterday. When asked about the Occupy Wall Street protests here, he said, “I don’t have facts to back this up, but I happen to believe that these demonstrations are planned and orchestrated, to distract from the failed policies of the Obama administration.” Yes, he admitted he didn’t have facts, but that didn’t stop him from making an idiotic assertion. But he wasn’t done yet. He then said, “Don’t blame Wall Street, don’t blame the big banks — if you don’t have a job and you are not rich, blame yourself!” Yes, all you people laid off by American corporations have only yourselves to blame! This is a level of class warfare that has not been expressed openly by any other Banana Republican candidate. He actually hates the middle class. But, he wants their votes. Let’s see how that works out for him.

A Yawn Across The Bow

Come on! Run? Run? I don't think so!

TRENTON – Rotund blowhard, Governor KRISPY-KREME Christie, yelled here today that he was (yawn) not running for president. What a surprise! Even though many bland, uninformed, desperate Banana Republicans begged him to save them from the boredom that is their nominating process, he resisted. How one more inflexible, bloviating ideologue would have solved their problems was not made clear, but, hey, they were grasping at straws. Instead, Banana Republicans are left with the same-old same-old: a ridiculous series of right-wingnut extremists going through the motions of out out-crazying one another, and the inevitable nominee, Mitt WRONGNEY. As with YAWN MCLAME, President MORON, Bob DULL and President MORON’s Dad, he is simply next in line. So, instead of a single new idea, or an inspirational vision, we can expect a never-ending stream of race baiting, union bashing, science denial, tax avoidance, budget distortions, religious intolerance and abject animosity toward the sick, the poor and the elderly. Please, wake me when it’s over!