High Function: Functioning Highly

WASHINGTON – In an interview on CNN here yesterday, Herman “Godfather of Prejudice” CAIN’T said that African-Americans are brainwashed into voting for Democrats. So, instead of brainwashing, African-Americans should adopt a party that cheers for executions (which are disproportionately meted out against African-Americans), a party that cheers for the notion of poor people dying in the street if they don’t have insurance, a party that boos for soldiers serving in Iraq due to their sexual orientation. WTF? Doesn’t CAIN’T remember that the TeaBagger town hall meetings of 2010 were actually Klan rallies held in the daytime? Voting for a Banana Republican would take a whole lot more than brainwashing…

WASHINGTON – Banana Republicans are anti-intellectuals and this leads them to be climate change denialists. It is a very strange position to hold. If the problem is just that the conclusion — that the Earth is getting warmer — upsets them so, it raises a question. If climate scientists concluded that the Earth were growing cooler, and that that would lead to drastic changes in sea level, and wild swings in weather, would that really make any difference? And if so, why?

On the other hand, if it is not the conclusion, but rather the premise — that air pollution affects the environment — that offends their sensibilities, there is a simple experiment that any Banana Republican can perform. While other aspects of their anti-science world view may not be readily contradicted by direct observation, this one is easy. If a Banana Republican does not believe in air pollution, the Banana Republican can drive a car into a garage, remain in the car, close the garage door and leave the engine running. In this way, the Banana Republican will be able to see first hand that air pollution has an impact on the environment!

WASHINGTON – As expected, the anti-intellectual, anti-science, anti-middle-class, Banana Republicans immediately screamed “Class Warfare” as soon as President Obama announced that there would have to be parity in the tax code going forward. They repeated the now thoroughly debunked myth that somehow, upper income tax rates are keeping rich people from hiring middle-class workers. As Warren Buffett has said, if there is class warfare, the upper class is winning. Whereas we have seen middle-class wages stagnate, unemployment skyrocket, and poverty increase by an alarming margin, we have also seen record, tax-free profits for major corporations, and so many TaxCutsForTheRich that they pay lower rates than even the working poor. As it stands, this is a Banana Republic. But, finally, over this issue, we are about to rise up and make a stand for fairness. Beware, John BONER, Mitch McCONMAN, Eric CANTWIN, TEXECUTIONER Rich PERIGEE (the lowest point), Mitt WRONGNEY and Michele BOTCHMANN, this battle has been joined!

TAMPA – After the debate here on Monday, Michele BOTCHMANN reported that she was approached by an unidentified person who claimed to be the mother of a child who received a Government Injection (whatever that is) in Texas and “suffered from mental retardation thereafter.” Without investigating the claim, she repeated it to national media on two separate occasions. She is apparently incapable of understanding that she should have ascertained whether the child “suffered from mental retardation” beforehand. Sadly, this is due to her lack of a scientific thought process and it has caused her to interpret the anecdote to mean that the Government Injection caused the child to “suffer from mental retardation.”

While nobody on Earth has enough time to explain to her how evolution works, or how pollution could possibly affect the environment, it wouldn’t take that long to show her the CDC figures on the thirty-five million Government Injections distributed in this country. Of those, one twentieth of one percent were associated with any adverse event. Of those, only eight percent were serious. Among the serious events, Guillain-Barre Syndrome, blood clots and death were listed. In no case was an event described as the injectee “suffering from mental retardation thereafter.” And, in no case was the Government Injection identified as the cause of a serious event. Of course, she is known to harbor a hatred of government and therefore harbor a reluctance to accept information from the government (though surprisingly, no reluctance to accept a paycheck from the government!). It is her fear of science that prevents her from accepting the concept of causality, but that should not give her license to repeat provably false assertions. Somebody should REFUDIATE her!

TAMPA – Well, just like last month in Iowa, and last week in California, the Banana Republicans gathered here today to debate the same tired old ideas they have been espousing for years. Although TEXECUTIONER, Rick PERIGEE (the lowest point), only joined the fray for the second and third debates, it was still nearly impossible to tell if this was just another rerun or a new debate.

Essentially, except for the preplanned sound bytes each had prepared, it eventually devolved into a race to the bottom. The Banana Republicans were all trying to out-crazy, out-taxcut and out-racebait one another. When any one of them made a marginally sane statement about any subject, the audience booed and the rest of the panel pounced. Michele BOTCHMANN thinks vaccinations are the work of the devil. She also thinks children of undocumented workers should not receive education, but rather, should be hanged, drawn and quartered for the sin of staying with their parents. NEWTIE admitted that he thinks President Obama is scary. TEXECUTIONER PERIGEE is offended that people think he can be bought by a five thousand dollar campaign contribution; he assured TeaBaggers that his price is much, much higher. Mitt WRONGNEY flip-flopped on healthcare twice in one paragraph! WRONG Paul thinks The Constitution is unconstitutional. Rick “FROTHY” SANTORUM swears he was in the room (though, no evidence for this claim was offered). There were a couple other forgettable debaters who expressed their positions in more of a grumbling “me too” fashion. Signficantly, all of the candidates were so blinded by their rage over the enactment of the healthcare reform bill last year that they collectively advocated emergency rooms turning away uninsured patients to die in the street!

Regardless of their individual prejudices, irrational fears, pet peeves, and idiotic notions about math and science, they were all able to agree on one thing: they would spend the entire debate in the gutter. They did not offer one new idea, not one hopeful image, not one interesting anecdote to inspire people about the future. The message was clear, “We’re angry, damn it! Umm… That is all.” Perhaps this is what the credulous dupes who make up the TeaBagger party, a wholly owned astroturf subsidiary of Koch Industries, want. However, being angry is not the same as leadership. Being angry does not create jobs. Being angry does not provide healthcare. And, being angry does not pay for Social Security or Medicare! But, hey, when your party is intellectually bankrupt, at the very least, being angry makes for some marketable sound bytes.

BASTROP, TX – Well, once again, TEXECUTIONER, Rick PERIGEE (the lowest point), is caught in a contradiction of his own making. While he has repeatedly threatened to have Texas secede from the United States, and has bashed FEMA as an unconstitutional Federal Government abomination, astonishingly, he is now clamoring for help from that very same agency! Yes, apparently praying for rain, praying that the wildfires stop burning and cutting funding for volunteer fire departments by 75% have not worked. Although to any rational person this would not be news, to PERIGEE, it seems to come as a complete shock (he was reportedly just as surprised when he didn’t fly up into heaven on May 21, 2011 as predicted by the dim-witted televangelist Harold Camping!). So, as this individual maintains his position as the front-runner in the Banana Republican presidential race, conservatives should examine very closely exactly what it is they are about to unleash. Anti-intellectualism, anti-science, and a so-called faith-based world view are not really very effective forms of governance. Sadly, there is no corporate tax rate (regardless of how low) that can put out a fire. There is no benefit that can be taken away from middle-class workers that will cause rain to fall. There are simply some cases where subsidizing oil producers is not a solution. Pity, he was doing so well…

LAS VEGAS – Ever Flip-Flopping, Corporatist Empty-Suit, Mitt WRONGNEY, laid out his fifty-nine point plan for “job creation” here today. Surprise, surprise, his entire plan is based on rewarding mega-corporations with lower tax rates, and the lifting of regulations! So, while American corporations are sitting on trillions of dollars in cash, and refusing to hire American workers, the only solution he can offer is more largesse for those very same cash-rich corporations! As he likes to remind people, he worked in the corporate world before he entered politics, so he “understands” business. He neglects to mention that what he did was form a venture capital firm whose primary source of profit was acquiring companies, borrowing against their assets, gutting them and leaving them for dead. For good measure, he also bashed unions, promised to pollute more and promised to pull the healthcare rug out from under the middle class. Remember, when WRONGNEY says he is addressing “the people” he really means he is speaking to corporations because as he has previously stated, “corporations are people.” So, Banana Republicans now have a clear choice: batshit crazy anti-intellectualism (think TEXECUTIONER, Rick PERIGEE and Michele BOTCHMANN), or unadulterated greed. Hooray!