High Function: Functioning Highly

AMES, IA – Well, the Straw Poll here proves that Iowans strongly favor uninformed anger over any other quality in a Banana Republican candidate. Their choice of Michele BOTCHMANN indicates that once again, ignorance and anti-intellectualism will be their platform — it worked out so well last time, didn’t it?

Among her rivals, perennial plastic candidate, Mitt WRONGNEY, has asserted that “Corporations Are People.” Surprisingly, his track record as a corporate raider — engaging in leveraged buyouts leaving gutted corporations for dead — would imply that he has no regard for the welfare of these “people.” But perhaps that’s okay because he tends to flip-flop so often that, like a Rorschach inkblot test, Banana Republicans can read anything they want into this empty suit.

And, as of now, the emergence of yet another Texan cowboy Governor Rick PERIGEE marks the new low point. Yes, a person who says the actions of the Chairman of the Federal Reserve are “treacherous or treasonous” is the new spoiler. Unfortunately, he never acted on all of his big talk about secession so he is still eligible. So much for walkin’ the walk.

And, there we have it. No thinking needed. Just a couple bumper stickers full of falsehoods, shouted during debates often enough will propel the Banana Republicans back into power. Although it is not clear what American citizens have done to deserve this, reasoned arguments cannot overcome blind, credulous, simple-minded fury. At least, corporations and billionaires will not be required to pay any taxes. Hope you didn’t need any Medicare, Medicaid or Social Security! Here we go again…

WASHINGTON – As the world reacts to the downgrading of the United States’ S&P credit rating with a bloodbath of financial instrument divestiture, the screaming, delusional, intellectually-challenged Tea-Baggers along with their apparently very, very angry leader, Michele BOTCHMANN, are left with that blood on their hands. These credulous dupes, under the guise of some misguided christianist fundamentalism, have been hoodwinked into trashing the economy by the sponsors of their AstroTurf movement: the Koch brothers. For some reason, Tea-Baggers believe asking the most fortunate Americans to pay any taxes at all is morally offensive. Sadly, every change they demanded to the Federal budget in lieu of tax reform was directly intended to punish the poor, the sick or the elderly (doesn’t their “good book” have something to say about the least among us?). Unfortunately, the current Banana Republican Party is made up of only these two types of people: tax-hating billionaires and functionally illiterate bible-thumping creationist bigots who unwittingly espouse their agenda. This is exactly why we should never let hillbillies run the government.

WASHINGTON – Many Happy Returns of the Day!