« Archives in July, 2011

“Job Creator:” Just Another Banana Republican Chimera

The WHOREQUIST

Unfortunately, this shadowy figure is all-too-real


WASHINGTON – As spineless Banana Republicans — Weepy-Eyed Oompa-Loompa John BONER, Treble-Chinned Reptile Mitch MCCONMAN, and petulant whiner Eric CANTWIN — continue their irresponsible threat to bring down the economy in order to punish the poor, the elderly and the middle class, another imaginative term has entered the lexicon of right-wing double-speak. Just like the whimsical “Welfare Queen,” “Fraudulent Voter,” “Weapon-of-Mass-Deception,” and “Single Mother Murphy Brown,” this new creature, the “Job Creator,” is larger than life, and endowed with all sorts of mystical powers! Among those powers are: buying corporate jets and depreciating them on accelerated schedules; paying much lower capital gains tax rates on hedge fund profits; accepting generous oil subsidies from the Federal Government while racking up more profit than any other industry in history; paying lobbyists to help legislators look after their special interests; bundling huge numbers of campaign contributions from others; and organizing junkets! Oddly, the one and only power the “Job Creators” do not possess is the ability to create jobs in The United States (India? China? Malaysia? No problem!). Apparently, these creatures (more commonly known as tax-evading, corporate-raiding, asset-liquidating, job-outsourcing, union-busting, integrity-compromising billionaires) are so fierce that simply asking one of them to pay any taxes at all sends it into a vengeful rage that can only be quelled by the ouster of a legislator that dares cross it. Terrifying!

The sad fact is that all Banana Republicans have signed an oath of fealty to a real and quite unsavory creature called a “Grover WHOREQUIST.” This WHOREQUIST thingie threatens them with primary challengers in their reelection campaigns if they waver from its religious conviction to a government that benefits only the wealthy while requiring nothing from them; a government in which the poor and middle class are forbidden from receiving any benefit whatsoever no matter how much they are required to pay in taxes. Of course, Banana Republicans do not run for Congress in order to serve the public good, but rather to wield political power. And since a WHOREQUIST backed challenger would jeopardize reelection, they all wind up shilling for the WHOREQUIST’s single-minded anti-tax position. Fear of a real boogey-man compels them to crow incessantly about a mythical one.

Let’s just hope that the heroic Banana Republicans can appease these big scary “Job Creators” before their lack of backbone sends the economy into a tailspin!