« Archives in July, 2010

Banana Republican Strategy Explained

What part of NO is confusing you?

What part of "NO" is confusing you?

WARSHINGTON – Today, as once again, everything seems to be coming up Obama (Economic Stimulus, Health Care Reform, Oil Well Capped, Financial Services Reform, Unemployment Benefit Extension), the party of “NO” revealed its thinking on what its members would do if they were somehow able to regain power in Congress. The strategy is a perfect fit for their core values, and it is expressed in a thoroughly modern manner. Banana Republicans view the state of the nation as a set of two binary conditions and thus, they have drawn a matrix to reflect their response to each and every one of the possible combinations. It looks like this:

Banana Republican Strategy Matrix State of the Economy
Strong Weak
Nation at War or Peace Peace TaxCutsForTheRich and Fomenting Racial Hatred TaxCutsForTheRich and Fomenting Racial Hatred
War TaxCutsForTheRich and Fomenting Racial Hatred TaxCutsForTheRich and Fomenting Racial Hatred

Clearly, they have thought this through and have all the bases covered.

Tea Baggers Prefer KKK Brand

Keep Baggin' Tea for Jesus, fellow Klan members!

Keep Baggin' Tea for Jesus, fellow Klan members!

SACRAMENTO – Renowned hate-monger and founder of the TeaBagger Express, MarKKK Williams, felt obliged to mock NAACP President and CEO, Ben Jealous, by posting a fictitious letter allegedly from Jealous to President Lincoln. In, it he used outrageous slavery-era language and mocked the progress the NAACP has made against racism in this country. However, he did do a service to the nation by finally owning up to what progressives nationwide have suggested all along: that Tea Bagging is nothing more than Klan rallies held in the daytime. While no hoods are worn, the very same people who enjoy the burning of a cross by the light of the moon band together across the nation and present a racially charged Anti-Obama message to all assembled.

Here is what Williams posted on his blog:

Dear Mr. Lincoln

We Coloreds have taken a vote and decided that we don’t cotton to that whole emancipation thing. Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards. That is just far too much to ask of us Colored People and we demand that it stop!

In fact we held a big meeting and took a vote in Kansas City this week. We voted to condemn a political revival of that old abolitionist spirit called the ‘tea party movement’.

The tea party position to “end the bailouts” for example is just silly. Bailouts are just big money welfare and isn’t that what we want all Coloreds to strive for? What kind of racist would want to end big money welfare? What they need to do is start handing the bail outs directly to us coloreds! Of course, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is the only responsible party that should be granted the right to disperse the funds.

And the ridiculous idea of “reduce[ing] the size and intrusiveness of government.” What kind of massa would ever not want to control my life? As Coloreds we must have somebody care for us otherwise we would be on our own, have to think for ourselves and make decisions!

The racist tea parties also demand that the government “stop the out of control spending.” Again, they directly target coloreds. That means we Coloreds would have to compete for jobs like everybody else and that is just not right.

Perhaps the most racist point of all in the tea parties is their demand that government “stop raising our taxes.” That is outrageous! How will we coloreds ever get a wide screen TV in every room if non-coloreds get to keep what they earn? Totally racist! The tea party expects coloreds to be productive members of society?

Mr. Lincoln, you were the greatest racist ever. We had a great gig. Three squares, room and board, all our decisions made by the massa in the house. Please repeal the 13th and 14th Amendments and let us get back to where we belong.

Precious Ben Jealous, Tom’s Nephew NAACP Head Colored Person

At the very least, his open racism is a sea change from the usual code words spoken by the likes of CARIBOU BARBIE and her ilk. Can’t make this stuff up.