« Archives in December, 2008



Jes' workin' on the legacy

WARSHINGTON – Ah, only three more weeks! As the end of the eight long years of The MORONARCHY draws mercifully closer, one more of President MORON’s initiatives has (surprisingly!) fallen apart. Yes, just like: “no one could have imagined that people would hijack planes”, “we’ll git Osama bin Laden, dead or alive”, “Iraq is an imminent threat”, “Saddam Hussein has Weapons of Mass Deception and we don’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud”, “Mission Accomplished”, “bring it on”, “we don’t torture”, “if someone in this administration was involved in exposing Valerie Plame, they will be dealt with”, “Brownie, yer doin’ a heck of a job”, and the ever popular “the fundamentals of the economy are strong”; Sexretary of State, CONVOLUTED LIES’ statement about the Israeli/Palestinian situation, “they have achieved a good deal of progress in their negotiations, a good deal of progress in the work that is being done on the ground,” finally seals the deal. Eight years of incorrect assessments, false characterizations, inaccurate predictions, deceptive misdirection, and of course, the big five: lying, cheating, stealing, torturing and killing; and they aren’t through yet! Even as President MORON’s economy continues its tailspin, Israel declares that it is in an “all-out war” with Hamas (yes, this is the upshot of President MORON’s peace accord). Nothing like having your finger on the pulse, President MORON!

Yankees Sign Iraqi Hurler

Here's the windup...

Here's the windup...

[From The Borowitz Report] Andy Borowitz writes:

In their latest bid to beef up their pitching rotation for the 2009 season, the New York Yankees today signed Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zeidi to a three-year deal worth $32 million.
The right-handed al-Zeidi, 28, impressed the Yankee scouts with his performance in Baghdad yesterday when he threw both of his shoes at President George W. Bush.
While neither of the shoes hit their target, both throws “had great velocity and good movement,” said Yankee owner Hank Steinbrenner.
“The first shoe was high and outside but the second one was right down the middle,” Mr. Steinbrenner said.
The Yankee boss said that he was also impressed with Mr. al-Zeidi’s fighting spirit when Secret Service agents tackled him.
“That could come in handy when we have a series with Boston,” he said.

If al-Zeidi is going to The Yankees, then, President MORON has to go to The Dodgers!

Editor’s Note: For what it’s worth, we here at High Function are no fans of President MORON, but upon review of the footage of this event, nobody can deny that President MORON has got game. He ducked the first shoe, but when the second one flew, he saw it was high and took the one-and-oh pitch without even flinching. Good eye, President MORON, good eye!

Farewell To Hubris

Don't worry, I've been duckin' stuff fer years!

Don't worry, I've been duckin' stuff fer years!

BAGHDAD – President MORON took a “victory” lap of the Green Zone here today. Whereas the Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, can travel openly anywhere in Iraq, President MORON still has to sneak in under cover of darkness and hide from the general public. However, even that did not suffice to keep reality from encroaching on President MORON’s delusion. A journalist from a local television station threw his shoes at President MORON — Iraqis regard this as an extreme insult — after President MORON attempted once again to rationalize his war of choice. At the very least, this should be the last of the Hubris Tours as the clock is definitely running out. Come on, January 20th!

MORONic interview on “Nightline”

My God loves Skull & Boners

My God loves Skull & Boners

Last night, Cynthia McFadden asked about creation and evolution,

MORON: “I think you can have both. I think evolution can — you’re getting me way out of my lane here. I’m just a simple president. But it’s, I think that God created the earth, created the world; I think the creation of the world is so mysterious it requires something as large as an almighty and I don’t think it’s incompatible with the scientific proof that there is evolution.”
He added, “I happen to believe that evolution doesn’t fully explain the mystery of life.”

McFadden: Is the Bible literally true?

MORON: “You know. Probably not. … No, I’m not a literalist, but I think you can learn a lot from it, but I do think that the New Testament for example is … has got … You know, the important lesson is ‘God sent a son,'” …”It is hard for me to justify or prove the mystery of the Almighty in my life,” … “All I can just tell you is that I got back into religion and I quit drinking shortly thereafter and I asked for help. … I was a one-step program guy.”

Joe The Dumber

Damn you, Andy Warhol, fifteen minutes is just waaaaaaaaaay too long!

Damn you, Andy Warhol, sometimes, fifteen minutes is just waaaaaaaaaay too long!

COLUMBUS – Well, it has finally happened. A fictional character that was made the straw man of this year’s Banana Republican campaign has actually signed a book deal. Usually, Banana Republicans are much more careful about this sort of thing: Ronnie RAYGUN’s Space Based Weapons fantasy, and his scary Welfare Queens; Dan “Potatoe” QUAIL’s unwed mother Murphy Brown; President MORON’s Weapons of Mass Deception, and human/animal hybrids. But YAWN MCLAME couldn’t even get this right. He actually based his Chimera on a living, mouth-breathing, tax-cheating, middle-aged pipe-fitter’s apprentice who, inconveniently, also happens to be profoundly dim.

Now, Sam “The Simpleton” Wurzelbacher (MCLAME couldn’t even get his name right!), gets it. He lamented over an imaginary plumber who was making two-hundred-fifty thousand dollars a year (yes, five times his own salary), and gushed over the “presence” of Apocalyptic snake-handler, CARIBOU BARBIE (well, she is nearly fictional; contrived, at the very least). However, he also said he was appalled by YAWN MCLAME’s support for the seven-hundred billion dollar Greed Stampede to rescue Goldman Sachs’ bonus pool. Oops.

So, what will it be? A coloring book? A Straight Talk Express themed comic (sorry, graphic novel)? A deeply misinformed screed on the premise that a vote for Obama is a vote for “Death to Israel?” Maybe a helpful primer on how unlicensed plumbers connect copper pipes together. Sadly, it doesn’t matter because, the same self-delusion that inspired universal elation over the completely unvetted nomination of CARIBOU BARBIE will also create a Banana Republican book buying frenzy! But, they will never read it. This is necessary. If natural Banana Republicans (the very very rich) examine their unholy alliance with the uneducated, credulous, artificial Banana Republicans too closely, they may accidentally peel back the curtain. Except for conservation of wealth, the only other tenet of Banana Republicanism is the use of hatred and fear to create division. So, really, it doesn’t matter what his ghost-writer produces; Joe The Dumber will have his payday. But next time, the Banana Republican boogey-man will definitely receive more scrutiny!


Just a jealous guy

Just a jealous guy

NEW YORK – Still gone, still hurts.

Pirates Snub RIAA

Yo ho ho!  (logo used without permission)

Yo ho ho! (logo used without permission)

MOGADISHU – While pirates are busy attacking ships off the coast here, they are also causing trouble for one of America’s own homegrown pariahs. Whereas the RIAA has tried to convince the rest of the world that saving a copy of an mp3 constitutes piracy, these ship hijackers do not seem to be going along with the plan. Of course, the assaults on maritime commerce are not right in any sense of the word, but neither is prosecuting twelve-year-old girls for sharing files. The RIAA has threatened to sue the Somali pirates over the misappropriation of their favorite pejorative, but so far, they have not convinced even one pirate ship to slow down long enough to be served notice. RIAA CEO, Mitch Bainwol, whined, “First they tried to take away the exorbitant royalties we collect, but never pay to artists; and now, they are trying to imply that fair use of one’s music is not the most heinous act one could call piracy. Besides, I don’t see a parrot or an eye-patch anywhere. These pirates have some nerve!”

Juice On Ice

I think I need ANOTHER do-over, your honor. This time I'll use a knife instead of a gun

LAS VEGAS – Completely self-absorbed sociopath, Orenthal James Simpson, was sentenced to a minimum of nine and a maximum of thirty-three years in jail today (ha ha!). He was convicted in October of kidnapping and armed robbery. The most laughable moment of the entire spectacle was an arrogant, rambling, narcissistic, semi-literate monologue in which the double murderer simultaneously endeavored to rationalize his unlawful actions and deny any wrongdoing (it was quite pathetic).

The upshot is that in Brentwood, brutally butchering two innocent people is not sufficient to get you any punishment whatsoever, but attempting to recover a moldy old football jersey in Nevada is enough to put you away for a long, long time. What’s stolen in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Recession Proof

Thanks for the update.  That and seven dollars will get me a cup of coffee

Thanks for the update. That and seven dollars will get me a cup of coffee at Starbucks

NEW YORK – The National Bureau of Economic Research announced Monday that the United States is in a Recession! Wow. How long does it take to put two and two together? They also stated that their next research project would be to determine whether losing one’s job sucks or not. Too bad they’re not hiring (economic downturn and all). Seems like a pretty easy gig…