« Archives in November, 2008

What Ails You

Name Your Poison...

LOS ANGELES – Side effects may include: dizziness, nausea, vomiting, muscle ache, neck ache, delayed back ache, confusion, insomnia, drowsiness, diarrhea, constipation, tremor, swelling of the ankles, feet, and legs, light-headedness, flushing, somnolence, chills, cold sweat, headache, increased pulse, flushed face and neck, restlessness, skin rash, sensitivity to the sun, weakness, dry mouth, increased urination, vertigo, dyspepsia, blurred vision, ringing in the ears, anorexia or increased appetite (make up your mind!), increased libido, impotence.

Erections lasting more than four hours (no time for a physician, better find a call girl!).

Tell your doctor if you are using: MAOIs, SSRIs, blood pressure medication, or other toxic cocktails.

Everyone and her brother can have increased gambling, sexual, or other intense urges (are these the side effects, or the intended effects?).

But recently, the pill pushers have come up with a brand new one: suicidal thoughts or actions! What the hell has to be wrong with you that you would actually risk induced suicidal thoughts let alone suicidal actions to treat it?

The Con Is Gone

Ted Stevens

SERIES OF TUBES!!!!!!

ANCHORAGE – According to the Washington Post, the number of votes by which Ted “Series of Tubes” Stevens trails is greater than the number of absentee ballots left to count. He has lost his bid for re-election to the U.S. Senate, and it’s about time. Maybe he can convince Palin to “rush through that cracked door” in 2012, so we can slam it in her face.

Americana

Yes, but can you run a country mile in a New York minute?

OAK RIDGE – Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity the American Way:

Hiroshimas = VWs * (Football Fields)^2 / (Dog Years)^2

Energy is expressed in Atomic Bombs (Hiroshima)
Mass is expressed in Volkswagen Beetles (VW)
Length is expressed in Football Fields (100 Yds)
Time is expressed in Dog Years (52.14 Days)
Fat content is expressed in Strips of Bacon

Go Franken, GO!

Al Franken

Senator (if all votes are counted) Al Franken

MINNESOTA – After a long and arduous campaign, Al Franken is within a few hundred votes of becoming “The Honorable Senator from Minnesota, Al Franken”. There are still three undecided races in the senate, one in Alaska (The dishonorable, and convicted, Ted “Series Of Tubes!” Stevens), a close race in Georgia (where the winner must get 51% of the vote), and, of course, Minnesota. If these three races are won by democrats, we will have an “unbreakable majority” of 60 votes.

With the democrat pulling slightly ahead of the convict in Alaska, and the race in Minnesota also becoming very close, we just may make it. If there is not 51% in Georgia, there is no clear winner. A runoff race seems to be in their near future.

You would think that the losses of the Banana Republican seats in congress in the 2006 midterm elections would have taught them to back off with their “with us or against us” policy, but apparently, they are incapable of learning.

Free Obama Sticker

WASHINGTON – Get this sticker from Move On, for free!

Chill

Quack Quack Quack

Thinkin' of flyin' south to CRAWFISH fer the winter!

Thinkin' of flyin' south to CRAWFISH fer the Winter

WARSHINGTON – President MORON has ten more weeks. However, short of starting another war in Iran, there is really nothing left for him to destroy. As the failures of the past eight years pile up on the doorstep of The MORONARCHY, President MORON himself should feel a sense of pride at his perfect Anti-Midas Touch.

He destroyed everything he touched. From the failure of imagination regarding the hijackings in 2001, to the failure to capture Osama bin Laden, to the failure to win a war against a dead guy in Iraq, to the failure to uphold the Geneva Conventions in Guantanamo Bay, to the doubling of the National Debt (yes he borrowed as much money as every single president that came before him combined), to the failure to create any jobs at all in eight years, to the failure to clean up after a rain-storm in New Orleans, to the failure to provide health care for forty-seven million citizens, to the failure to protect The Constitution by spying on Americans, to the failure to protect National Security by outing Valerie Plame as a CIA operative, to the failure to oversee the banking industry which resulted in over a trillion dollars of taxpayer money being used to bail out corrupt investment houses; he has lied, cheated, stolen, tortured and killed his way through the darkest period in American history.

There were: The LAURON, “Whaddya Mean It’s A Fake ID” Jenna, RUMMY, “Let The Eagle Sore” ASSCROFT and The TORTURER from The Department Formerly Know as Justice, TURD BLOSSOM, Sexretary of State CONVOLUTED LIES, Tony SNOWJOB, Supreme Court Justice SCALITO, Failed Judicial Nominee Harriet The SPY, COLON Powell, YAWN MCLAME, TaxCutsForTheRich, The POOP (Petrochemical Ownership Of Presidency), The HUBRIS Tours, some six-hundred thousand innocent dead Iraqis, and over four thousand dead troops.

There was the black eye from the drunken pretzel choke.

There was The DICK emerging from his undisclosed location in a drunken stupor to shoot his hunting buddy in the face.

It went on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

No duck has ever been more deservedly lame.

Game over, President MORON!

Yes We Can

CHICAGO – Oh, yes we can.

SHIT! GOD DAMN! GET OFF YOUR ASS AND JAM!

VO-O-O-OTE!

WHERE YOU LIVE, USA – Shit! God Damn! Get Off Your Ass and Jam!

Shit! God Damn! Get Off Your Ass and Jam!

Shit! God Damn! Get Off Your Ass and Jam!

Shit! God Damn! Get Off Your Ass and Jam!

Shit! God Damn! Get Off Your Ass and Jam!

Shit! God Damn! Get Off Your Ass and Jam!

Shit! God Damn! Get Off Your Ass and Jam!

Shit! God Damn! Get Off Your Ass and Jam!

— Wë

One-Upsmanship

I'll Show em!

I'll show 'em!

TAMPA – As his campaign crashes and burns, YAWN MCLAME has devised a new strategy. Abandoning his endless accusations that Senator Barack Obama is: A Black Man, A Muslim, A Terrorist, A Socialist and even An Arab; he has now latched on to Obama’s optimism. He has accused Obabma of “Measuring the Drapes” and already having his acceptance speech written. And as a coup on this last day of campaigning, he has finally come up with something to throw back at his Democratic rival. He proudly announced that he has already written his concession speech!