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David Bowie

Ashes to Ashes

Ashes to Ashes

NEW YORK – David Bowie.

Marathon Bombing Coverage Marathon

Twenty-four hours of speculation!

Twenty-four hours of speculation!

BOSTON – Strange how the major cable news outlets refer to their treatment of the tragedy here as the “Marathon Bombing Coverage” when really, it has become the “Bombing Coverage Marathon.” With approximately ten minutes of new news per day, and twenty-four hours of news coverage, we wind up with twenty-three hours and fifty minutes of “expert” opinon. While Faux News is constantly working to blame every single negative event on the color of Barack Obama’s skin, Chicken-Noodle News is not much better. Did the FBI drop the ball? Did the Russians provide enough conjecture? Is Chechnya really the name of some place? Will your pressure cooker suddenly commit an act of terror? If a judge who has never appeared on CSI comes to your hospital room, can you really get off on a technicality? Does hiding in a boat qualify you as an enemy combatant? Considering Lindsey Graham is such a douchebag (see previous story about supporting the right to murder six-year-olds efficiently), why does he still get so much air time? Does another ridiculous outburst by YAWN MCLAME really count as news?

This case will be prosecuted in United States Federal Court in accordance with The Constitution, and in due time, a verdict will be rendered. Sadly, until there is another tragedy to draw the breathless attention of the news media, that process will be scrutinized and interpreted to death. And whoever the victims of that next tragedy turn out to be, they had better brace for an overwhelming onslaught of “expertise.”

WORLD ENDS

The Mayans were right.  The world has ended!

The Mayans were right. The world has ended!

Happy Birthday, Linux!

Many Happy Returns, Tux

HELSINKI – Twenty years ago today, Linus Torvalds made this post on comp.os.minix (cached version since original posting has exceeded its bandwidth allocation).

Thank you, Linus!

Tea Is Stronger Than Coffee

starbucks-via-hdr

Yes, now you can answer twenty questions about how you want your coffee poured, form a line in your own kitchen, and wait until your name is called!

SEATTLE – As it turns out, marketing overpriced homemade coffee is not without its political risks.  When noted Seven Dollar a Cup Coffee vendor, Starbucks, launched its new ad campaign to convince people that they could also spend lavishly on instant coffee, they ran a commercial.  The premise was that certain groups of individuals would not be able to tell the difference.  The last group identified in the original commercial was “people who yell at town hall meetings!”  Well, the bible-thumping undereducated Banana Republican Tea-Baggers — who simply have no sense of humor — saw this as a slight against their year long campaign to convince people that seeing a doctor was socialism and that the secretly-muslim-but-also-extremist-christian-and-yet-somehow-really-a-hippie president was in fact a Nazi!  Since they had spent the entire Summer yelling at their Congresspeople that the guv’mint ought’a jes’ keep its hands offa’ Medicare, they were not amused.  So, Starbucks had to reshoot the commercial referring instead to the “indisputably tall.”  Ignorance knows no bounds.

Les Paul

Les Paul

Les Paul

Geoff

Farrah

Farrah Fawcett

Farrah Fawcett

Kwai Chang Caine

Grasshopper

Grasshopper

BANGKOK – David Carradine died here today.

Obama NOT the anti-Christ

NOT the anti-christ (because he believes in Allah)

Praise be to Allah

WASILLA, AK – As it turns out, Obama is in fact NOT the anti-Christ.  This amazing (and quite surprising) revelation comes from Ron Hamman, pastor of a baptist church in Wasilla, Alaska.

The reason?  Apparently, the anti-christ is a gay atheist.  In a brilliant piece of newspaper worthy journalism, pastor Hamman explains how the bible clearly states that the anti-christ will be a homosexual.  If one reads the passage, it can also be revealed that said rapture-inducing person will be an atheist, without “regard of any god.”

Well go figure, after all the speculation about Obama being the great beast, it turns out that his evil muslim faith would prove otherwise.

Just who is the anti-christ?  Since, according to revelation, it will be a gay man without regard for god, I’ve got my money on the crystal methodist, Ted Haggard.