High Function: Functioning Highly

NEW YORK – A jury of six men and three women just found The OBOE (Orange Bag OF Excrement) liable for Sexual Battery of Author and Advice Columnist, E. Jean Carroll! They awarded her Five Million Dollars in damages. Although it was granted extra time to appear, it obviously did not have the courage to face a jury. It is a coward. Not surprisingly, Banana Republicans, who have been screaming for Hunter Biden’s head on a platter, are actually saying that the judicial system is invalid and a joke. So much for law and order. The OBOE should have to go to its neighbors; houses and advise them of its Sexual Predator status. Going forward when The OBOE cries, “Witch Hunt,” we will reply, “RAPIST.”

NEW YORK – Well, well, well; Swanson TV Dinner maven FUCKER Carlson gets the axe from FAUX NOOZ! Now, admittedly, Schadenfreude is not the best look for HighFunction, but sometimes, one just has to laugh! Though it came as a shock to the befuddled purveyor of hatred and falsehood, around here, we can think of hmmm, perhaps Seven-Hundred Eighty-Seven and a Half Million reasons. Adios, MotherFUCKER!

MAR-A-LARDO – Things are hotting up down here as details of the thirty-four count indictment against the OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) emerge. Stormy Daniels said, “Thank you.” Exonerated Central Park Five member Yusef Salaam called it “Karma.” Delusional FUCKER Carlson advised FAUX NEWS viewers it was, “probably not the best time to give up your AR-15.” And Rachel Maddow predicted that this whole exercise will actually likely be quite boring. But none of that compares to the incomparable work of the “Very Stable Genius” itself. On its sad little text messaging platform with the forgettable name the OBOE announced that it had been “INDICATED!” Here’s the quote:

“These Thugs and Radical Left Monsters have just INDICATED the 45th President of the United States of America, THIS IS AN ATTACK ON OUR COUNTRY THE LIKES OF WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE. IT IS LIKEWISE A CONTINUING ATTACK ON OUR ONCE FREE AND FAIR ELECTIONS. THE USA IS NOW A THIRD WORLD NATION, A NATION IN SERIOUS DECLINE. SO SAD!”

Now, setting its pathetic functional illiteracy aside for the nonce remember, the crime for which it is being “INDICATED” has nothing to do with paying hush money to cover up an affair. The crime for which it is being “INDICATED” is trying to cheat on its taxes by falsely claiming that the hush money was a business expense for legal services related to its campaign. Nobody cared about the dalliance which was a personal matter. But the OBOE simply could not leave it alone. While the Banana Republicans are screaming about the weaponization of the Justice System, remember that until the OBOE tied it to the campaign, there was no possibility of weaponizing anything. It is the OBOE’s own fault that it has been “INDICATED.”

WASHINGTON – The OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) has been INDICTED in The State of New York for paying hush-money to Adult Film Actress Stormy Daniels. The charges relate to illegally declaring the bribe as legal fees. So, think about it, even when covering up an affair, he just HAD to lie about the payment to cheat the country out of its taxes. That is what passes for lovin’ ‘Murrica these days.

Oh and, Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WASHINGTON – At The State Of The Union Address, one hyper-intellectual speaks her mind.

UNITES STATES OF AMERICA –
Shit, god damn, get off your ass and jam!
Shit, god damn, get off your ass and jam!
Shit, god damn, get off your ass and jam!

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

Do not fall for the media-induced red-wave bullshit. Get out and vote!

Remember: Polls don’t vote. Voters Vote. Be. A. Voter!

SAN FRANCISCO – Now that The King of Mars, The Ultimate Twit, Elon The Mollusk has acquired a majority stake in Twitter, although he promised it would not become a “Free-for-All Hellscape,” he himself has turned Twitter into a “Free-for-All Hellscape.” After drinking deeply of the Favor-Aid (the actual cyanide laced beverage-of-choice at Jonestown) in the Q-ANUS trash can, King Twit posted an outrageous lie about the hammer attack on Congressperson Nancy Pelosi’s husband, Paul. Trying to do anything other than admit it was a politically motivated assassination attempt against The Speaker of The House, he posted a message indicating that the assailant and Mr. Pelosi met at a gay bar earlier in the evening. This homophobic story was intended to distract from the very real climate of violence Right-Wing Nutjobs have fomented around Democratic politicians. “Free-for-All Hellscape” indeed! All by himself!

Hours later, King Twit deleted the Tweet without comment. Too little, too late! Since this, along with a shocking increase in the use of racial epithets, is what we are going to see on the platform going forward, the only solution is to abandon the service. This will cause pain for those who have come to rely on it for news, information, entertainment and to keep up with friends. But we MUST stop using it. The founder of Twitter, Jack Dorsey, is developing a new federated communication network, Bluesky Social, whose intent is to provide a platform that can not be hijacked for Mollusk-like purposes. The minute it becomes available, we need to switch.

Mark Twain is often purported to have said, “A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.” Whether or not that is actually his quote, the sense of it is compelling. And with platforms like Twitter, the lie can travel even further, even faster. We deserve better, so we must do better!

Update: There is a Germany-based alternative: mastodon.

MAGAT-A-LAGO – Judge Aileen “Loose” Cannon, appointed by and clearly beholden to The OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement), crafted a completely irrational and illogical ruling regarding the TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS having stolen Top Secret Government Documents. Based on nothing but a slavish devotion to a Narcissistic Sociopath and the quid-pro-quo arrangement between the two – OBOE appointed her AFTER it lost the election! – “Loose” Cannon granted the flaccid grifter a “Special Master” as well as imposing an injunction against pursuing the criminal investigation against The OBOE. This ruling came after The OBOE admitted to committing the felony in question. No legal theory was even advanced – the ruling just read, “tRMUP appointed me to a position for which I am not qualified, and therefore, I just did whatever I felt like doing. Fuck the law!.” This is not justice, this is corruption, pure and simple. But, if nothing else, The OBOE knows buying judges is a very sound investment. And that investment will pay off all the way to the top. The next court to which the DoJ could appeal would be the Eleventh Circuit Court of Appeals on which the gas cloud appointed six of the eleven judges. And from there, of course, on to the Supreme Court which actually now just has a blanket policy of approving – without review – anything coming from MAGAT-A-LAGO.

MAGAT-A-LAGO – While the Department of Justice is busy laying out its case against The OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement), The OBOE on the other hand, is changing stories as fast as its fat little fingers can type bullshit into its failed racist rage app. This time, the wheel of idiocy landed on “Well, yes, I did have Top Secret documents stored in a carton, but at least, they were not laid out on the floor! What? A completely voluntary admission of guilt as the premise of an argument, followed by some non-sequitur assertion about a messy evidence photo. Regardless of how much redaction occurs, no rational person could possibly imagine the concern behind the service of a Search Warrant was as to the level of housekeeping. In the image, the unlawfully retained documents are clearly visible. It did not scream de-classified, it did not scream antifa, it did not declare another witch hunt, it admitted to possession of the documents. Res ipsa loquitur (The Thing speaks for Itself)!

NEW JERSEY – Although there is a huge gas leak over Bedminster, most of the pollution is of MAGAt minds. The OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) is now saying that the Director of the FBI, Christopher Wray, whom the OBOE itself appointed(!) is part of the Deep State and used the occasion of a search warrant upon the grounds of MAGA-A-Lago to plant evidence! Bullshit. The ONLY reason this particularly idiotic lie has emerged is because the FBI found exactly what they were looking for, and they caught the TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS Red Handed! If this is not what happened, the proof is easy to provide. The Enormous Methane Cloud (read Burger Fart) could just publish the Warrant! All of those Q-ANUS dimwits who are calling this the greatest assault on Democracy since, Fake News, something, something, Hillary Clinton, blah-blah, Hunter Biden, something… (sorry! dozed off for a moment there during that grievance-fest) could be vindicated or, more likely, contradicted instantly. If this is so egregious, let the people decide! If the Warrant doesn’t spell out precisely what The OBOE took, prove it! This could be over tomorrow: Show Us The Warrant!