High Function: Life During The Fourth Reich

WASHINGTON – At another of his inane self-aggrandizement sessions here today, the OAF OF OFFICE was confronted with a very simple question from a mean-reporter-lady. When CBS News reporter Weijia Jiang asked the bloated mass of blubber why it was treating the failure of testing on the part of its government as a global competition, it responded that she should “Ask China.” When Jiang, who is Chinese, asked why it responded to her specifically in that clearly racist tone, it said that what she asked was a “nasty question.” After that exchange, it stamped its little feet and stomped off the stage. This is a seventy-three year old crybaby. It thinks any big-scary-girl who asks a challenging question is “nasty.” “Nasty.” Seventy-fucking-three years old. While this same leaking sack of cytoplasm is using taxpayer resources to tout its golf courses, inside the White House, people are suddenly practicing social-distancing and wearing masks. This does not make any sense! KATRINA-VIRUS is a HOAX perpetrated by Hillary Clinton’s emails or something. Nobody working for the OBOE (Orange Bag of Excrement) should take any precautions whatsoever. They should be coughing and sneezing and wiping their hands all over one another to prove that viruses are not real. They should actually be prohibited from wearing masks, all soap should be confiscated, and hand sanitizer should be banned. As the nationwide death toll from this hoax exceeds eighty thousand, that gelatinous blob can only worry about its business interests – which were failing before the pandemic. Although here at highfunction.com our hearts go out to those credulous dupes who work for the shit-stain, the only bright spot is that perhaps one of them will infect it directly with the KATRINA-VIRUS and nature will take its course. Mother Nature, that is. “NASTY” Mother Nature.

WASHINGTON – Hydroxychloroquine, made by Sanofi, is currently FDA-approved only for conditions including rheumatoid arthritis, lupus and as an anti-malarial agent. Its known side effects range from nausea and hallucinations to potentially FATAL CARDIAC ARRHYTHMIAS. And yet the Greedy Hateful Orange Sack of Thoughtlessness (GHOST) – who has a vested interest in Sanofi – is, not surpisingly, touting it as a cure for the KATRINA-VIRUS. He is asserting this because his own ignorant response to the pandemic has failed catastrophically. He is wrong, and people will die. The IMPOTUS is putting his own personal gain above the health and safety of the blind sheep who are his followers. Sadly, these ignorant Banana Republicans will not keep to themselves and innocent people will also be exposed. If any of us survives, we must “Remember in November!”

WASHINGTON – The OAF OF OFFICE gave yet ANOTHER briefing regarding his complete and utter failure to handle the national crisis facing us, the KATRINA-VIRUS. As always, he lied about his failings, used false statistics to aggrandize himself, attempted to deflect blame to others, and at the one and only time when national unity would be paramount on any feeling human being’s mind, he went out of his way to divide people based on political ideology. Sadly, the headline was the April Fool’s Day joke and this report is the truth.

WASHINGTON – As his lies crash in around him and he is forced to declare a State of Emergency over the clearly politicized hoax of a pathogen, The OAF OF OFFICE again showed us what true leadership looks like. When asked about his complete failure to deal with KATRINA-VIRUS, he said, “I don’t take responsibility at all.” Just compare it to notable quotations from real presidents: “I cannot tell a lie,” “Four Score and Seven Years Ago… Government of the People, by the People, for the People, Shall Not Perish from the Earth,” “The Only Thing We Have to Fear is Fear Itself,” “Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask What You Can Do For Your Country!” So, remember in November: “I don’t take responsibility at all.”

WASHINGTON – You’re doin’ a heck-of-a-job, Orangie! The one bright spot is that this could be The IMPOTUS’ Hurricane Katrina. Well, he might also contract it. How would he explain catching a hoax?

WASHINGTON – COVFEFE
NAMBIA
ANOLYMOUS
HAMBERDER
CARONAVIRUS
SMOCKING GUN
PRINCE OF WHALES
GLOBAL WARNING
TEXT MASSAGES
PRESIDENT OF VIRGIN ISLANDS
PRESIDENT OF PUERTO RICO
MELANIE
IT WILL HEEL
LASTING PEACH
UNPRESIDENTED
TAPP
Is that Tim Apple on the phone?
What are the ORANGES of this story!

WASHINGTON – After ninety-four days collecting a paycheck for doing nothing, non-functional PUMPKIN BUMPKIN mouthpiece, Sarah HUCKLEBERRY Sanders, called it quits here today. Apparently, the relentless lying, rationalizing, misdirecting and hate spewing finally wore her down. There was no indication that her abhorrent behavior weighed on her conscience, it was just a lack of stamina. The rats are leaving the sinking ship.

WASHINGTON – The mental state of the OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) is visibly deteriorating. As he proclaims his innocence (hah!) and swears up, down and sideways that the Mueller Report exonerates him, he is also trying to claim the report is protected by executive privilege. That makes perfect sense. It proves he didn’t do it, but he doesn’t want anybody to see it. This is NOT the deranged behavior of an insane person, this is rational (just ignore that foam spewing from his mouth, that’s how pr*sidents behave!).

WASHINGTON – According to the New York Times, during the period between 1985 and 1994 while the OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) was pretending to be a successful business person, he falsely told the IRS that he actually LOST One Billion, Two Hundred Million Dollars ($1,200,000,000). Actually, he fabricated paper losses to cheat the Federal Government out of the taxes on whatever income he really did produce. The only other possibility is that the pr*sident sucks at business and has only ever lived off his father’s money. Naturally, TWITLER has denied everything. But this time, there is a very easy way for him to prove he is an honest, tax-paying citizen: he can release his tax returns. Of course, he will not. He is a tax cheat and if his tax returns become public, his lack of integrity will become irrefutable.

WASHINGTON – It took Trump 601 days to hit 5,000 lies, but since then “the tsunami of untruths just keeps looming larger and larger,” The Washington Post reported. As a result, the president needed just 226 more days to top 10,000, doing so on April 26. That’s an average of nearly 23 false claims a day over the past seven months. Finally, this so-called administration does have one superlative: most dishonest.