High Function: Life During The Fourth Reich

WASHINGTON – After ninety-four days collecting a paycheck for doing nothing, non-functional PUMPKIN BUMPKIN mouthpiece, Sarah HUCKLEBERRY Sanders, called it quits here today. Apparently, the relentless lying, rationalizing, misdirecting and hate spewing finally wore her down. There was no indication that her abhorrent behavior weighed on her conscience, it was just a lack of stamina. The rats are leaving the sinking ship.

WASHINGTON – The mental state of the OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) is visibly deteriorating. As he proclaims his innocence (hah!) and swears up, down and sideways that the Mueller Report exonerates him, he is also trying to claim the report is protected by executive privilege. That makes perfect sense. It proves he didn’t do it, but he doesn’t want anybody to see it. This is NOT the deranged behavior of an insane person, this is rational (just ignore that foam spewing from his mouth, that’s how pr*sidents behave!).

WASHINGTON – According to the New York Times, during the period between 1985 and 1994 while the OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) was pretending to be a successful business person, he falsely told the IRS that he actually LOST One Billion, Two Hundred Million Dollars ($1,200,000,000). Actually, he fabricated paper losses to cheat the Federal Government out of the taxes on whatever income he really did produce. The only other possibility isthat the pr^sident sucks at business and has only ever lived off his father’s money. Naturally, TWITLER has denied everything. But this time, there is a very easy way for him to prove he is an honest, tax-paying citizen: he can release his tax returns. Of course, he will not. He is a tax cheat and if his tax returns become public, his lack of integrity will become irrefutable.

WASHINGTON – It took Trump 601 days to hit 5,000 lies, but since then “the tsunami of untruths just keeps looming larger and larger,” The Washington Post reported. As a result, the president needed just 226 more days to top 10,000, doing so on April 26. That’s an average of nearly 23 false claims a day over the past seven months. Finally, this so-called administration does have one superlative: most dishonest.

WASHINGTON – Desperate to have the investigation of his criminal wrongdoing come to an end, a befuddled and clearly cognitively challenged OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) demanded that Congress look into the “ORANGES” of the Mueller investigation. That’s right, if he knew the ORANGES, he would be able to… something, something… (The level of incoherence makes it difficult to understand exactly how the ORANGES would help, but nonetheless, off we go, on a quest for ORANGES!).

WASHINGTON – Though there is apparently “No Collusion” as the OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) has told us numerous times, Robert Mueller has delivered his report to the Attorney General here today. Grab a beer because it is most certainly Mueller Time!

WASHINGTON – Well, all but one BANANA REPUBLICAN Senator (Lisa Murkowski of Alaska), including Susan Collins of Maine, along with one turncoat Democrat, Joe Manchin of West Virignia, voted for cloture today, and vowed to vote to confirm the drunken rapist, Brett CAVALIER, to the Supreme Court Of The United States tomorrow. This particular drunken rapist appeared before the Senate Judiciary Coimmittee last week on Thursday, September 27. During his appearance, he threw a temper tantrum and screamed about a conspiracy involving Democats, Clintons, George Soros, the Illuminati and maybe a couple space aliens who were all out to get him because he liked beer. The tone and tenor of his furious rant were only part of the story. The fact that he does not exhibit a judicial temperament is almost irrelevant in light of the fact that he vowed to seek vengeance against his “enemies” (approximately 55% of registered voters) from the bench. In a prepared speech, meaning the sentiment was not formulated in the heat of the moment, he stated explicitly that “What goes around comes around.” This disgusting organism will now serve on the Court for the rest of its life.

WASHINGTON – Dr. Christine Blasey Ford testified here today before the Senate Judiciary Committee to the sexual assault she suffered at the hands of a black-out drunk Brett CAVALIER while at a party in Bethesda while they were both in High School. Afterwards, the spineless drunken angry nominee to the Supreme Court accused her of participation in a conspiracy to keep him off the bench. He stated that the fact that he perpetrated the assault while he was a high school student was somehow orchestrated by modern-day conspirators. This, along with other typical right-wing thinking simply violates the laws of causality. The Committee is complicit in this cover-up because they refused to order an investigation into the allegations. The nation is in peril, and the continued service of Donald T. RUMP as the unduly elected Resident of the United States has become an existential crisis.

WASHINGTON – Once again, a creepy message from The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN was emitted from hate-speech enablement platform, Twitter:

Two long running, Obama era, investigations of two very popular Republican Congressmen were brought to a well publicized charge, just ahead of the Mid-Terms, by the Jeff Sessions Justice Department. Two easy wins now in doubt because there is not enough time. Good job Jeff……

The OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) truly believes that the Justice Department should prosecute his political enemies, and ignore wrongdoing by his political allies. This is EXACTLY how they do it in the other BANANA REPUBLICS. And in this BANANA REPUBLIC, Congress has abrogated its responsibility to “support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic.” There is no innocent explanation for the BANANA REPUBLICANS’ complicity in this abuse of authority. The BANANA REPUBLICANS are so desperate to pursue their corporatist agenda that they have agreed to ignore “Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors.”

WASHINGTON – Oops. A very bad day for The OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement). Cohen pleaded guilty to eight felonies he committed with TWITLER for the purpose of influencing the election. Manafort was found guilty of eight more felonies he committed on behalf of The PUMPKIN BUMPKIN. Congress still has no spine. The Impeachment process must begin TODAY.