High Function: Life During The Fourth Reich

WASHINGTON – Clearly, the Quinoa-Anon/Angry-Little-Rifle-Boys/Deep-State/Hillary-Clinton’s-E-Mails FAKE NEWS announcement today is a hoax. For some reason, there is a rumor circulating that the OAF OF OFFICE and the TLOTUS (Third Lady of the US) have an imaginary disease commonly called KATRINA-VIRUS. Now, the way this phony germ spread to the OBOE (Orange Bag of Excrement) is purported to be via its usual practice of “Grabbing Senior Counselor HOPELESS Hicks by the Pussy” while she was also supposedly infected with this faux pathogen. This is obviously impossible because the condition which has killed over 200,000 Americans (It is what it is), actually went away like a miracle after only fifteen cases back in March.

How the TLOTUS contracted this is also a mystery. While busy waging her War-on-Christmas saying things like: “Who gives a fuck about the Christmas stuff and decorations?” And also not caring about innocent children of people seeking asylum here though paradoxically using her Christmas duty as a cover: “I say that I’m working on Christmas and planning for the Christmas and they said, ‘Oh, what about the children that they were separated?’ then I say, ‘Give me a fucking break.’” The mechanism by which indifference to humanitarian issues can become a vector for a pretend illness is not well understood.

There is a non-stop barrage of false developments – TEENY_WEENIE IMPOTUS has to go to Walter Reed, VP must be on standby, low grade fever, monoclonal antibodies… Don’t fall for it! This is just a hoax and a simple dose of hydroxychloroquine, a Clorox injection and a UV lamp up the ass are all that should be done! Science doesn’t know, and RAGE is the cure for everything!

CLEVELAND – At something billed as a “Presidential Debate” here tonight, an OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) lied, threw temper tantrums, interrupted and rambled incoherently as one portion of the evening’s proceedings. Opposing the OAF OF OFFICE was the Democratic Presidential Nominee, Joe Biden. Moderator Chris Wallace, spent most of the evening aiding and abetting that enormous orange pustule, until the last few minutes of the debate, where even he had finally had enough. Thrown the easiest softball of a question, “Do you condemn white supremacy?” TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS actually instructed the ultra-right-wing hate group – whose name will not appear here (suffice it to say, just like TEENIE-WEENIE IMPOTUS, the group is composed of phallically-challenged, uneducated, angry white males who collect firearms to compensate for their humiliating genitalia) – to “Stand Back and Stand by.” Thereby instructing violent extremists to attack voters who dare to cross the TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS. America now has a clear choice.

If you do not get of your lazy ass and vote, this is on you.

WASHINGTON – So,what are the ORANGES of The OAF OF OFFICE’s hateful world view? We know from its sister that it is a profoundly stupid individual. We know that it has no principles. We know it paid somebody to take the SAT for it. We know it was never actually accepted or admitted to Wharton, but rather, one of the art appreciation classes it took happened to meet in a lecture hall on the Wharton campus. As its niece’s book states, the greed, the dishonesty, the racial prejudice, misogyny and the incessant narcissistic self aggrandizement were all inherited from its father.

But the cruelty, that was original. That was the product of its anger over being short-changed in the phallic sense. It has spent an entire lifetime in a never-ending snit because no matter how much money Douchebag Daddy left it, it would never get over the embarrassment it suffered in the locker room at boarding school due to the diminutive size of its genitalia. Since it would be a stretch to blame somebody else for this particular shortcoming, there was really no way to assuage that particular ire. For direct first-hand evidence that this is what concerns the OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement), note that at one of the debates in 2016, it said of Marco Rubio, “I have to say this, he hit my hands. Nobody has ever hit my hands. I’ve never heard of this one. Look at those hands. Are they small hands? And he referred to my hands if they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee you.” Remember, when this drivel spewed from that Orange sewer hole, it was during a nationally televised event. It had to discuss the size of its TEENY-WEENIE on all channels. And, as every utterance it has ever made proves, when it asserts something and then adds, “believe me,” or “I guarantee you,” it is a prevarication (for the Orange and ignorant among you, that means a lie). So here we are. The White House is illegitimately occupied by a pathetic figure suffering from declining mental capacity that can only recall personal slights and seek revenge. This humiliation is part and parcel of what underlies the IMPOTUS’ perpetual state of unbridled rage.

WASHINGTON – The Honorable Ruth Bader Ginsburg has succumbed to her battle with metastatic pancreatic cancer. She told her her granddaughter Clara Spera: “My most fervent wish is that I will not be replaced until a new president is installed.”

May she REST IN POWER.

WASHINGTON – The conventions are over, one centered on Hope, and one centered on Fear. The Democratic Convention presented a vision of America inclusive of all, where working-class and poor people’s needs and desires are acknowledged. The candidates for President and Vice President turned out to be real people with real views and – though this should go without saying – real feelings for other human beings. Even usually anti-Democratic news outlets were left admitting that Joe Biden is a genuinely decent individual. Every living Democratic President and Presidential Spouse appeared to weigh in on the matter. Both Carters, both Clintons and both Obamas endorsed Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.

The BANANA REPUBLICAN ShitShow on the other hand, was exactly what everyone expected: a non-stop stream of lies, racial animus and fear-mongering. First, every single person who spoke was directly related to the IMPOTUS, or on its payroll. They did not find a single individual who did not owe his or her livelihood to the IMPOTUS who could think of anything positive to say about the IMPOTUS. Even the BANANA Republican who held the office before tRUMP (remember when PRESIDENT MORON was the worst we could do?) did not make an appearance to endorse The OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement). The whole four days painted a picture of a dystopian nation that would emerge if TWITLER were not reelected. Unfortunately, exaggerated though its portrayal of the country may have been, every single social ill that was emphasized at the ShitShow happened on the watch of the IMPOTUS. On the final night, the IMPOTUS appeared, lied, threw a temper tantrum, whined about being a victim, refused to take responsibility for anything and spent over an hour blathering incoherently about fictional accomplishments, imaginary threats and taking revenge on innocent people. You know basic American values.

So, the choice could not be more clear: Hope or Fear. And there’s the rub. Hatred is easy. Hatred begets fear. And The Fearful ALWAYS vote. Hope is hard, it requires thinking of somebody other than oneself. And sadly, Americans simply do not do that so we are facing four more years of this.

Get off your asses and vote.

ARLINGTON – Before the Council for National Policy, a secretive organization of wealthy right-wing donors, lobbyists, and political operatives, today, the IMPOTUS said, “Over the last week, the Democrats held the darkest and angriest and gloomiest convention in American history” and, “If our opponents prevail, no one will be safe in our country and no one will be spared. Including the people who helped fund. They think they’re gonna be best pals. They’re not gonna be best pals. They’ll be terminated just like many others. I’m the only thing standing between the American dream and total anarchy, madness and chaos. And that’s what it is.” And, Holy Shit, if you saw the Democratic Convention, you would agree! All of those people who said Biden is a nice guy, those anecdotes of kindness and concern just spoke to darkness, anger and gloom. While the IMPOTUS had a positively glowing week. The SENATE (that’s right, the rubber-stamp denialist chamber under the auspices of MOSCOW MITCH McCONMAN) issued the final version of its report on the Russian tampering with our electoral process. And that report states clearly and unequivocally that there WAS COLLUSION and that IMPOTUS knew about it. Further, like a star-struck teenager, the IMPOTUS actually sent love letters to Vladimir PUTRID stating, “I’m a big fan!”

The KATRINA-VIRUS has claimed over 170,000 lives in this country and all the IMPOTUS can say is, “It is what it is.” So, fuck you, dying Americans, it is what it fucking is!

And, as for the cognitive test, where the IMPOTUS claims it got extra points for saying, “Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV,” it turns out the ONLY extra points that can be awarded are for having an education level below 12th grade. So, yeah, extra points. On a test to determine whether or not one has suffered a concussion, the IMPOTUS demonstrated that it did not even have a High School education. Well done, OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement)!

And coming up, the sweetness and light of a BANANA Republican convention. Remember, last time the theme was “American Carnage.” That won’t be dark, angry or gloomy.

WASHINGTON – After a full week of protests against the cold-blooded murder of George Floyd by Minneapolis police, in broad daylight, after KATRINA-VIRUS deaths in the US topped 100,000, and after the IMPOTUS threatened racial violence against innocent protesters, “when the looting starts, the shooting starts!” that same spineless OAF OF OFFICE went running to its little hidey-hole beneath the White House. The frightened little two-hundred-forty pound crybaby COWERING in the dark, rather than calling for unity and an end to Police BRUTALITY, actually threatened citizens in Lafayette Park with attack by “vicious dogs” and “formidable weapons.” Further, after declaring practitioners of First Amendment protests members of a Terrorist Organization, he promised to “surround everyone with everything we’ve got.” Yes, The OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) wants tanks rolling down the streets of every State Capital. This demented douchebag has become completely and utterly detached from reality. And, just in case any soldiers are ordered to undertake attacks against the citizenry of this country, please note that the United States Field Manual states, “Members of the armed forces are bound to obey only lawful orders.” Orders to beat, arrest, gas, and kill innocent Americans simply because a COWARDLY commander is permanently humiliated by the size of its genitalia do NOT constitute lawful orders.

Just for comparison, while the IMPOTUS was COWERING in its little panic room, a person with real feelings for his fellow Americans, a person with a heart, Joe Biden, went to meet with protesters in Wilmington, Delaware.

WASHINGTON – At another of his inane self-aggrandizement sessions here today, the OAF OF OFFICE was confronted with a very simple question from a mean-reporter-lady. When CBS News reporter Weijia Jiang asked the bloated mass of blubber why it was treating the failure of testing on the part of its government as a global competition, it responded that she should “Ask China.” When Jiang, who is Chinese, asked why it responded to her specifically in that clearly racist tone, it said that what she asked was a “nasty question.” After that exchange, it stamped its little feet and stomped off the stage. This is a seventy-three year old crybaby. It thinks any big-scary-girl who asks a challenging question is “nasty.” “Nasty.” Seventy-fucking-three years old. While this same leaking sack of cytoplasm is using taxpayer resources to tout its golf courses, inside the White House, people are suddenly practicing social-distancing and wearing masks. This does not make any sense! KATRINA-VIRUS is a HOAX perpetrated by Hillary Clinton’s emails or something. Nobody working for the OBOE (Orange Bag of Excrement) should take any precautions whatsoever. They should be coughing and sneezing and wiping their hands all over one another to prove that viruses are not real. They should actually be prohibited from wearing masks, all soap should be confiscated, and hand sanitizer should be banned. As the nationwide death toll from this hoax exceeds eighty thousand, that gelatinous blob can only worry about its business interests – which were failing before the pandemic. Although here at highfunction.com our hearts go out to those credulous dupes who work for the shit-stain, the only bright spot is that perhaps one of them will infect it directly with the KATRINA-VIRUS and nature will take its course. Mother Nature, that is. “NASTY” Mother Nature.

WASHINGTON – Hydroxychloroquine, made by Sanofi, is currently FDA-approved only for conditions including rheumatoid arthritis, lupus and as an anti-malarial agent. Its known side effects range from nausea and hallucinations to potentially FATAL CARDIAC ARRHYTHMIAS. And yet the Greedy Hateful Orange Sack of Thoughtlessness (GHOST) – who has a vested interest in Sanofi – is, not surpisingly, touting it as a cure for the KATRINA-VIRUS. He is asserting this because his own ignorant response to the pandemic has failed catastrophically. He is wrong, and people will die. The IMPOTUS is putting his own personal gain above the health and safety of the blind sheep who are his followers. Sadly, these ignorant Banana Republicans will not keep to themselves and innocent people will also be exposed. If any of us survives, we must “Remember in November!”

WASHINGTON – The OAF OF OFFICE gave yet ANOTHER briefing regarding his complete and utter failure to handle the national crisis facing us, the KATRINA-VIRUS. As always, he lied about his failings, used false statistics to aggrandize himself, attempted to deflect blame to others, and at the one and only time when national unity would be paramount on any feeling human being’s mind, he went out of his way to divide people based on political ideology. Sadly, the headline was the April Fool’s Day joke and this report is the truth.