High Function: Life During The Fourth Reich

WASHINGTON – We have a real President now. That OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) is impotent. From now on, may all its public appearances be in court, under oath! Hooray for the USA. Adios, Motherfucker!

LANSING – Well, so far so good. Apparently when having to face “real” soldiers, the “Poor Little Boys,” the “Boogie-Woogie Braying Asses,” and the “OAF KREEPERS” decided it might be better to play army-man dress-up somewhere other than outside of the Capitols of various states across the country. At this “rally” in Michigan, only one dimwit showed up. A 67-year-old semi-retired window salesman carried a sign that said, in part, “We will support Joe Biden as our President if you can convince us he won legally. Show us the proof! Then the healing can begin.”

They must not teach logic in Window Selling School. The sign holder embarrassingly committed the all-too-common fallacy known as argumentum ad ignorantiam or appeal to ignorance. Basically, “Prove Unicorns Don’t Exist!” The combined brain power of these angry, entitled white folks with hurt feelings could not illuminate a fifteen watt bulb.

Let’s just hope the persistent National Guard presence continues to give them pause.

WASHINGTON – House passes Article of Impeachment: yea 232 (includes 10 BANANA Republicans), nay 197, abstain 4.

LAS VEGAS – Well, well, well! It turns out the TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS and Rudolph GHOUL-IANI were right! For the last few years, the annual Hacking Conference, DefCon, has included a Voting Village where all manner of voting machines are provided for attendees to inspect, disassemble, and hack to their hearts’ content. While many of the wild charges the tRUMPlodites have made have been difficult to prove, this one was easy! It turns out that after disassembling the microcode stored in ALL Dominion Election-Secure voting machines, this one function is, in fact, the smoking gun!

//pentagram seance algorithm
int pentagram_seance_vote_set(int vote) {
    int keep_or_flip = 0; //0=keep, 1=flip
    int candles[5];
    int degrees = 36;
    for (int i=0; i<5; i++) {
        candles[i] = degrees;
        degrees += 72;
    }
    burn(candles);
    keep_or_flip = contact_chavez(vote);
    extinguish(candles);
    return keep_or_flip;
}

Dead giveaway! Notice how the pentagram of candles is offset exactly enough to be sure the star is pointing downward, unlike the “proper” stars on the good old Confederate Flag!

WASHINGTON – The OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) slithered out toward The Ellipse today to tell a mob of armed “Poor Little Boys” that it invited to town to try to overthrow The Government. He promised them it would be “wild.” That mob then violently invaded the US Capitol, killing a police officer and injuring many others. The dimwitted tRimplodites are still trying to pretend it won the election. It lost. It has been surmised, based on information provided by outsiders, that the Capitol Police were forewarned but their leadership told rank-and-file officers to let the rabble in. While our Senators and Representatives were crouching down on the floor of the House chamber, The OAF OF OFFICE told its followers that it loved them and that they were special (the definition of aid-and-comfort). Fortunately, ultimately, the domestic terrorists were repelled. Orange TWITLER lost that title as Twitter, and Facebook blocked its accounts for violation of their policies forbidding incitement to violence. Although the Congress did reconvene and ultimately count all the Electoral College votes and certify Joe Biden as the next President, Mike Pence still refuses to invoke the 25th Amendment and remove it from office. Impeachment proceedings must begin at once. Again, ALL tRUMP SUPPORTERS now have BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS.

ATLANTA – Vote, Georgia, Vote.
Vote, Vote, Vote.
Vote for Ossoff,
Vote for Warnock,
Vote, Georgia, VOTE!

WASHINGTON – The TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS will leave 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. one month from today. If it refuses, it will be clapped in irons and marched out in a perp-walk broadcast on all channels (here’s hopin’!). Good riddance to bad rubbish!

WASHINGTON – Ok. The Electors in all 50 states have now met and voted. The TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS lost the Electoral College vote 306 to 232. There is nothing left but whining (a LOT of whining), geriatric pouting, foot stomping, tiny fist shaking, lying, insulting, oh and pardoning! But, come the Twentieth of January in the Year of Our Lord Two-Thousand Twenty-One, there will be no more OAF OF OFFICE in the White House. Finally! The People have spoken loudly and clearly!

WASHINGTON – As if it really needed saying, even a tRUMP-laden Supreme Court stated that TexASS does NOT have standing to overturn the Electoral Votes of four other states, Georgia, Michigan, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin. The succinct and unsigned order says, “The State of Texas’s motion for leave to file a bill of complaint is denied for lack of standing under Article III of the Constitution. Texas has not demonstrated a judicially cognizable interest in the manner in which another State conducts its elections. All other pending motions are dismissed as moot.”

That was the last limp-noodled attempt left to the TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS, the one it called “The Big One,” and it was shot down in flames.

Sadly, lots of “Poor Little Boys” and other genitally-challenged hate-mongers will still take a few days to come around and the potential for violence will remain for some time. Remember, most of them still fly confederate flags. There is the matter of the 126 Banana Republican Congresspeople – 19 of whom claim to represent the very states that were targeted in the suit – who felt that elections were not important and that sedition was the way to go (how they justify collecting salaries was not explained). But their opinions were no match for The Constitution.

The OBOE (Orange Bag of Excrement) is still going to be causing as much turmoil and chaos as possible in its remaining days, but those days are limited. Come January 20, 2021, We will finally have a REAL President again.

ADIOS, MOTHERFUCKER!

WASHINGTON – Although the Enormous Orange Bag of Excrement (OBOE) continues to stamp its little feet and shake its laughably diminutive fists, the Administrator of the General Services Administration, Emily Murphy, has finally acknowledged reality, ascertained that Biden has won, and released the funds necessary to facilitate the transition from the unlawful regime of the TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS to President Elect, Joe Biden. Now that the vote in Michigan has been certified by the State Board of Canvassers, regardless of what happens in any remaining pathetic, idiotic lawsuits, the outcome is certain: The OAF OF OFFICE LOST THE ELECTION. To reiterate: The OAF OF OFFICE LOST THE ELECTION. Tough shit. The long national nightmare is almost over – it will continue until noon EST on January 20, 2021.

Again, it is with great enthusiasm that we say, ADIOS, MOTHERFUCKER!