High Function: Functioning Highly

WASHINGTON – As a dwindling number of utterly clueless dimwits found out today, the “real” restoration of the TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS did not happen. These are fully adult people, many of whom stormed the Capitol to overturn an election in which they did not actually vote (yes, you read that correctly, furious that they lost an election in which they did not participate) who for some reason, still believe in Santa Claus! There is no reason to cut slack, display empathy or give the benefit of any doubt; they really are that gullible. They remain enraged that so far, their racist fever dreams have not brought about a neo-nazi state here in the USA. Remember, due to their pathological racial hatred, the only emotion they can reliably express is anger. They are in a perpetual state of rage. Please take every opportunity to laugh at them, but do be careful: each and every one of them is compensating for a “shortcoming” in the genital region by carrying a gun. They are incapable of logical thought. They live in complete denial of reality.

WASHINGTON – The Senate today voted 57 to 43 to convict the OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement). Unfortunately, 57 is less than 2/3 of 100. The completely morally bankrupt slime-balls denied the reality presented to them over the last week and voted to continue fluffing their Dear Leader. They will be forever remembered as the Cop-Killing Insurrectionists. One can only hope their constituents remember this come next election. There is blood on all of their hands.

WASHINGTON – As the Second Impeachment Trial of Former TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS and perpetual LOSER, Donald T. RUMP began today, the contrast between the capability of the House Managers and the bumbling incompetence of the only two credulous morons still stupid enough to believe Former Orange Twitler would pay them became very clear. The comparison between the concrete evidence presented by the House Managers and the insubstantial nonsense spouted by the bumblers was also quite stark.

Representative Jamie Raskin (D-Md.) led the House Managers in their compelling presentation of video evidence and lucid legal arguments in favor of trying the OBOE (Orange Bag of Excrement) for inciting a violent, racist, ignorant, seditious mob to storm the Capitol, murder a Police Officer, injure some ten-dozen others, and physically desecrate the building. Using moving rhetoric such as, “People died that day. Officers ended up with head damage and brain damage. People’s eyes were gouged. An officer had a heart attack. An officer lost three fingers that day. Two officers have taken their own lives,” Raskin held the chamber spellbound by his argument.

Then it was the FORMER OAF OF OFFICE’s turn. Two “attorneys” who had to have been scraped from the bottom of the bottom of the barrel, Bruce Castor and David Schoen, tried mightily to speak in coherent sentences. Castor made a rambling, self-contradictory argument that actually included an admission that tRUMP had lost the election. After embracing every one of the Q-ANUS conspiracy theories, he actually argued that the House impeachment process was too fast, which negated the opportunity for due process, and too slow so that tRUMP was out of office before the trial began. Next came Schoen who spent over an hour screaming at the top of his lungs about random things that had absolutely nothing to do with what the TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS did on January 6.

Now, since the only purpose of today’s hearing was to determine whether or not the Senate would proceed with the trial, the final vote was 56 in favor and 44 in complete denial of reality.

Tomorrow, we will begin the actual presentation of evidence, interspersed with hours of sheer incompetence. It should make for some very entertaining television!

WASHINGTON – We have a real President now. That OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) is impotent. From now on, may all its public appearances be in court, under oath! Hooray for the USA. Adios, Motherfucker!

LANSING – Well, so far so good. Apparently when having to face “real” soldiers, the “Poor Little Boys,” the “Boogie-Woogie Braying Asses,” and the “OAF KREEPERS” decided it might be better to play army-man dress-up somewhere other than outside of the Capitols of various states across the country. At this “rally” in Michigan, only one dimwit showed up. A 67-year-old semi-retired window salesman carried a sign that said, in part, “We will support Joe Biden as our President if you can convince us he won legally. Show us the proof! Then the healing can begin.”

They must not teach logic in Window Selling School. The sign holder embarrassingly committed the all-too-common fallacy known as argumentum ad ignorantiam or appeal to ignorance. Basically, “Prove Unicorns Don’t Exist!” The combined brain power of these angry, entitled white folks with hurt feelings could not light a fifteen watt bulb.

Let’s just hope the persistent National Guard presence continues to give them pause.

WASHINGTON – House passes Article of Impeachment: yea 232 (includes 10 BANANA Republicans), nay 197, abstain 4.

LAS VEGAS – Well, well, well! It turns out the TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS and Rudolph GHOUL-IANI were right! For the last few years, the annual Hacking Conference, DefCon, has included a Voting Village where all manner of voting machines are provided for attendees to inspect, disassemble, and hack to their hearts’ content. While many of the wild charges the tRUMPlodites have made have been difficult to prove, this one was easy! It turns out that after disassembling the microcode stored in ALL Dominion Election-Secure voting machines, this one function is, in fact, the smoking gun!

//pentagram seance algorithm
int pentagram_seance_vote_set(int vote) {
    int keep_or_flip = 0; //0=keep, 1=flip
    int candles[5];
    int degrees = 36;
    for (int i=0; i<5; i++) {
        candles[i] = degrees;
        degrees += 72;
    }
    burn(candles);
    keep_or_flip = contact_chavez(vote);
    extinguish(candles);
    return keep_or_flip;
}

Dead giveaway! Notice how the pentagram of candles is offset exactly enough to be sure the star is pointing downward, unlike the “proper” stars on the good old Confederate Flag!

WASHINGTON – The OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) slithered out toward The Ellipse today to tell a mob of armed “Poor Little Boys” that it invited to town to try to overthrow The Government. He promised them it would be “wild.” That mob then violently invaded the US Capitol, killing a police officer and injuring many others. The dimwitted tRimplodites are still trying to pretend it won the election. It lost. It has been surmised, based on information provided by outsiders, that the Capitol Police were forewarned but their leadership told rank-and-file officers to let the rabble in. While our Senators and Representatives were crouching down on the floor of the House chamber, The OAF OF OFFICE told its followers that it loved them and that they were special (the definition of aid-and-comfort). Fortunately, ultimately, the domestic terrorists were repelled. Orange TWITLER lost that title as Twitter, and Facebook blocked its accounts for violation of their policies forbidding incitement to violence. Although the Congress did reconvene and ultimately count all the Electoral College votes and certify Joe Biden as the next President, Mike Pence still refuses to invoke the 25th Amendment and remove it from office. Impeachment proceedings must begin at once. Again, ALL tRUMP SUPPORTERS now have BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS.

ATLANTA – Vote, Georgia, Vote.
Vote, Vote, Vote.
Vote for Ossoff,
Vote for Warnock,
Vote, Georgia, VOTE!

WASHINGTON – The TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS will leave 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. one month from today. If it refuses, it will be clapped in irons and marched out in a perp-walk broadcast on all channels (here’s hopin’!). Good riddance to bad rubbish!