High Function: Functioning Highly

NEW JERSEY – Although there is a huge gas leak over Bedminster, most of the pollution is of MAGAt minds. The OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) is now saying that the Director of the FBI, Christopher Wray, that the OBOE itself appointed(!) is part of the Deep State and used the occasion of a search warrant upon the grounds of MAGA-A-Lago to plant evidence! Bullshit. The ONLY reason this particularly idiotic lie has emerged is because the FBI found exactly what they were looking for, and they caught the TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS Red Handed! If this is not what happened, the proof is easy to provide. The Enormous Methane Cloud (read Burger Fart) could just publish the Warrant! All of those Q-ANUS dimwits who are calling this the greatest assault on Democracy since, Fake News, something, something, Hillary Clinton, blah-blah, Hunter Biden, something… (sorry! dozed off for a moment there during that grievance-fest) could be vindicated or, more likely, contradicted instantly. If this is so egregious, let the people decide! If the Warrant doesn’t spell out precisely what The OBOE took, prove it! This could be over tomorrow: Show Us The Warrant!

NEW YORK – One time, a large orange gasbag stated that only guilty people plead The Fifth. Then today, in New York where that same gasbag, The OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) sat for a deposition in one of its many, many criminal investigations into its fraudulent property valuation claims. And guess what! It Pleaded The Fifth! It pleaded The Fifth four-hundred forty (440) times. Thereby admitting that it is guilty of the exact behavior of which it is accused. Haw fucking haw!

WASHINGTON – A particularly noxious form of slime, something called a “Bannon” has been found guilty of 2 counts of Contempt of Congress. This mass of toxic cytoplasm should spend the rest of its natural days behind bars. As its Dear Leader, The OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement), says; “Lock It Up!”

WASHINGTON – In a United States Secret Service response to a House January 6th Committee request, they claimed that text messages between agents attached to the OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement) from January 5th and 6th, 2021 had been deleted. After iterating through a few different implausible excuses, they landed on a “device upgrade” as the reason that only those specific, critical and conclusively incriminating messages were not going to be provided. This is complete and utter bullshit. There is no possible innocent explanation for the destruction, or redaction of this data. There is no chance that in the hands of competent Computer Forensic Engineers that the data cannot be recovered. This. Is. A. Coverup. The Secret Service Agents swore an oath to The Constitution, but wound up violating their oaths to protect one TEENY-WEENIE IMPOTUS.

WASHINGTON – In a memo just released, for some unknown reason, Merrick Garland announced that he would castrate himself. Rather than pursue criminal charges against the OBOE (Orange Bag Of Excrement), for purely political reasons, he would refuse to act in order to assure that it (The OBOE) would be re-elected in 2024. The actual text of the memo refers to “political sensitivities.” But, rather than instructing the Department of Justice to ignore political appearances, it has DoJ attorneys bend over backward to avoid investigating even the most heinous and obvious crimes committed by insurrectionists. The rationale for this policy was not explained. This nation deserves better.

WASHINGTON – On this, the fourth day of the House Select Committee’s public hearings detailing the exact process by which the OBOE (Orange Bag of Excrement) conspired to overthrow the government of the United States of America, specific, incontrovertible and damning evidence was presented. Any prosecutor of any jurisdiction in this country would have no difficulty proving the case to a jury. However, due to the obsequious nature of our United States Department of Justice, absolutely NOTHING will be done. The greedy, hateful, demented would-be usurper will not be prosecuted. This is quite unfortunate because it simply guarantees that that bag of shit will become the next (albeit illegitimate) IMPOTUS. Every witness has confirmed that it (the OBOE) orchestrated and carried out a coup d’etat. Since the coup failed, it simply became a dress rehearsal for the next attempt in 2024. Yet, the DoJ is too frightened by a creepy mob boss to prosecute this crime. The grand experiment that was the United States will begin to unravel on November 5, 2024, and will come to an end on January 20, 2025. It was fun, but hey, greed, fear, hatred, rage, misogyny and terrorism are more compelling to the violent mob that will emerge then.

It is really a shame.

SACRAMENTO – Well, the recall election went down in flames! Apparently, Californians did not want to replace their extremely successful governor with a dim-witted conspiracy-spouting Uncle Tom who thinks slave owners should receive reparations. The election was so lopsided it could be called “Elder Abuse!”

Oh, and by the way, who was Larry ELDER? I don’t “recall…”

Of course, the OBOE (Orange Bag of Excrement) said the election was rigged. But, surprisingly, even though he was whining about fraud before the polls opened, even Larry HELLDER had to acknowledge that the election was free and fair! Who would have thought it?

SACRAMENTO – Vote, California, Vote.
Vote, Vote, Vote.
Vote NO On The Recall,
Keep Gavin Newsom,
VOTE, California, VOTE!

SACRAMENTO – As Rachel Maddow is reporting tonight, the California recall challenger Larry HELLDER has already started crying about an election that will occur tomorrow. From his whiny little website, he is threatening violence (the ammo box) today.

BIRMINGHAM – As new cases surged in Dimwit States like Arkansas, Florida, Mississippi, Missouri and Wyoming, Dr. Brytney Cobia of Louisiana wrote in a heartbreaking Facebook post last Sunday: “I’ve made a LOT of progress encouraging people to get vaccinated lately!!! Do you want to know how? I’m admitting young healthy people to the hospital with very serious COVID infections. One of the last things they do before they’re intubated is beg me for the vaccine. I hold their hand and tell them that I’m sorry, but it’s too late. A few days later when I call time of death, I hug their family members and I tell them the best way to honor their loved one is to go get vaccinated and encourage everyone they know to do the same. They cry. And they tell me they didn’t know. They thought it was a hoax. They thought it was political. They thought because they had a certain blood type or a certain skin color they wouldn’t get as sick. They thought it was ‘just the flu’. But they were wrong. And they wish they could go back. But they can’t. So they thank me and they go get the vaccine. And I go back to my office, write their death note, and say a small prayer that this loss will save more lives.”