High Function

Obama awarded Peace Prize….Get over it!  And by the way, last time I read a newspaper, Norwegians choose the Nobel, not Swedes…but i digress (and don’t get my info from Fox)  On the other hand, I don’t recall such vitriol when President MORON five years ago awarded the United States* Medal of Freedom (for those of you playing at home, the highest civilian honor bestowed in the name of the American people) to Cheney/Rumsfeld lackeys Tommy Franks, George Tenet and Paul Bremer for their roles in aiding and abetting the insanity of the “warforoil” in Iraq, which coincidentally, and, literally, was dumped on Obama. Arguably the award is a bit premature, but it’s a safe bet that it would have never been awarded to cartoon Disney characters like the Lady & the Tramp -McClain & the Palin.

*”America is the greatest, best country God has ever given man on the face of the Earth… and Sweden sucks.”  (Sean Hannity, Fox News Channel)

President MORON awards Medals of Failure

There's no prize for Mathematics either

OSLO - In light of Barack Obama’s receipt of the Nobel Peace Prize here today, one might wonder why no such honor was bestowed on the previous administration, The MORONARCHY.  If Nobel had decided that one of the categories in which he would award prizes would be unprovoked invasion of Foreign Sovereign Nations, President MORON, The DICK and RUMMY would have been naturals!  Alas, petty tyranny — President MORON’s only stock in trade — may in fact attract the attention of the civilized world, but it is hardly ever regarded as something to be admired.  For the record, President Obama’s name was submitted exactly twelve days after he took office.  The world was obviously waiting with bated breath.

You're Next!

WASHINGTON - The Tea-Baggers have won. The so-called Healthcare Reform Act has been so watered down that only the core principles are left. The only certainties are that there will be Socialists running the program; that their only activity will be manning Death Panels; their only constituents will be Illegal Aliens; and the only service they will be providing is Abortions. But Banana Republicans are thrilled: this time, at least, they were not the party of “No.”

Yes, now you can answer twenty questions about how you want your coffee poured, form a line in your own kitchen, and wait until your name is called!

SEATTLE - As it turns out, marketing overpriced homemade coffee is not without its political risks.  When noted Seven Dollar a Cup Coffee vendor, Starbucks, launched its new ad campaign to convince people that they could also spend lavishly on instant coffee, they ran a commercial.  The premise was that certain groups of individuals would not be able to tell the difference.  The last group identified in the original commercial was “people who yell at town hall meetings!”  Well, the bible-thumping undereducated Banana Republican Tea-Baggers — who simply have no sense of humor — saw this as a slight against their year long campaign to convince people that seeing a doctor was socialism and that the secretly-muslim-but-also-extremist-christian-and-yet-somehow-really-a-hippie president was in fact a Nazi!  Since they had spent the entire Summer yelling at their Congresspeople that the guv’mint ought’a jes’ keep its hands offa’ Medicare, they were not amused.  So, Starbucks had to reshoot the commercial referring instead to the “indisputably tall.”  Ignorance knows no bounds.

PARIS - The news that Bush Receives Award for Environmentalism was reported by Rennie Petersen: “The little-known Paris-based environmental organization, Les Fous Français pour l’Environnement Mondial, have awarded former U.S. PresidentMORON George W. Bush with their ‘Environmentalist of the Year 2009’ award. Their press release includes the following statement: ‘As is well known, the basic problem with the environment is that there are too many people. Former President Bush is hereby lauded for his efforts during his presidency to reduce destructive environmental emissions by reducing the number of humans, especially in Iraq, but also in Afghanistan and the USA. We hope that Mr. Bush will participate at our annual meeting in October to personally receive our prestigious award.’ Although the press release also provides ‘honorable mention’ for The DICK and RUMMY there is no indication of any award for them.”

From the desk of dedhedesq:

Just once I would like to see someone ask one of these teabagging tax revolt patriots exactly how much of the defense budget they would be willing to cut in order to reduce their tax burden and the size of the federal government. The Pentagon budget is estimated at about a half-trillion dollars a year, and the entire defense and security apparatus budget is estimated (no one knows for sure because funding for parts of the CIA, DARPA, the NSA, etc., are state secrets) at about one trillion (!) dollars per year. According to its website, the Department of Homeland Security has a budget of just about 60 billion dollars for fiscal year 2010.

To put that into some sort of perspective: We spend on our defense and intelligence budgets in one year more than the entire projected ten year cost of the (watered down) health reform initiatives now before congress and decried by the Beckian right wing as fiscally irresponsible. (And let’s not even talk about how that money could help the United States once again become the best educated country in the world (we are now in the 30s somewhere) or the healthiest (again somewhere in the 30s) or, heaven forfend, the greenest).

On another note: An article in the NY Times today talked about a town in Kansas that was once a mineral mining capital and very affluent, but with the closure of the mines, all that is left is a contaminated piece of dirt inhabited by about 140 people. The neighboring town, in Oklahoma, was declared a Superfund site, and the federal government bought out all of the residents and they were relocated. However, the government determined that the contaminated areas on the Kansas side were not in the residential part of town and they declined to buy out the Kansas residents.

Kansas is represented by Brownbeck and Roberts, two of the most conservative senators we have, both of whom have decried the intrusion of the government into health care and have paraded for their entire careers under the Reaganesque “free enterprise, government is the problem” ideology. Guess what they are calling for? They want the federal government to buy out the residents of Treece, Kansas, as well. So much for the miracle of the free market taking care of its problems — these people did, after all, choose to live in this town and now they want a bailout from the taxpayers? And so much for wanting to shrink the federal government. And so much for not wanting government “interference” in the market. What a bunch of horseshit. With the courage of their convictions, these senators would be opposed to bailing these people out just as they have opposed every single welfare bill of any sort for any person presented to them. Pandering bastards. (And one wonders how many of the residents of that town are also hard core conservatives who have regularly voted against the evil washington bureaucrats controlling their lives. Bet they opposed EPA regulation of the mines when they were active, too.)

Pat Roberts (R-Kansass) offers his solution to all our troubles

According to this post and related video, you are still telling your employees, who make these things up, that the terror card is still an effective fear-inducing tool. You might like to know that this is no longer the case. Please refrain from using terrorism to stir up your army of morons (conservatives), as the small lump of brain cells they collectively have is finally beginning to catch on.

Might I suggest you use a new method? Try some of the following fear-inducing rhetoric instead:

• Gays - perhaps the headline “Socialized medicine will mean our tax dollars paying for AIDS treatment”
• Sweden - If we become like Sweden, something very bad will happen
• Evolution - I’m not stupid enough to come up with something here, but I’m sure your employees are

I can assure you, to the conservative mind, each of the things on this list is just as bad, if not perhaps even worse, than terrorism.