Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Banana Republican Strategy Explained

Monday, July 26th, 2010
What part of NO is confusing you?

What part of "NO" is confusing you?

WARSHINGTON - Today, as once again, everything seems to be coming up Obama (Economic Stimulus, Health Care Reform, Oil Well Capped, Financial Services Reform, Unemployment Benefit Extension), the party of “NO” revealed its thinking on what its members would do if they were somehow able to regain power in Congress. The strategy is a perfect fit for their core values, and it is expressed in a thoroughly modern manner. Banana Republicans view the state of the nation as a set of two binary conditions and thus, they have drawn a matrix to reflect their response to each and every one of the possible combinations. It looks like this:

Banana Republican Strategy Matrix State of the Economy
Strong Weak
Nation at War or Peace Peace TaxCutsForTheRich and Fomenting Racial Hatred TaxCutsForTheRich and Fomenting Racial Hatred
War TaxCutsForTheRich and Fomenting Racial Hatred TaxCutsForTheRich and Fomenting Racial Hatred

Clearly, they have thought this through and have all the bases covered.

Tea Baggers Prefer KKK Brand

Friday, July 16th, 2010
Keep Baggin' Tea for Jesus, fellow Klan members!

Keep Baggin' Tea for Jesus, fellow Klan members!

SACRAMENTO - Renowned hate-monger and founder of the TeaBagger Express, MarKKK Williams, felt obliged to mock NAACP President and CEO, Ben Jealous, by posting a fictitious letter allegedly from Jealous to President Lincoln. In, it he used outrageous slavery-era language and mocked the progress the NAACP has made against racism in this country. However, he did do a service to the nation by finally owning up to what progressives nationwide have suggested all along: that Tea Bagging is nothing more than Klan rallies held in the daytime. While no hoods are worn, the very same people who enjoy the burning of a cross by the light of the moon band together across the nation and present a racially charged Anti-Obama message to all assembled.

Here is what Williams posted on his blog:

Dear Mr. Lincoln

We Coloreds have taken a vote and decided that we don’t cotton to that whole emancipation thing. Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards. That is just far too much to ask of us Colored People and we demand that it stop!

In fact we held a big meeting and took a vote in Kansas City this week. We voted to condemn a political revival of that old abolitionist spirit called the ‘tea party movement’.

The tea party position to “end the bailouts” for example is just silly. Bailouts are just big money welfare and isn’t that what we want all Coloreds to strive for? What kind of racist would want to end big money welfare? What they need to do is start handing the bail outs directly to us coloreds! Of course, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People is the only responsible party that should be granted the right to disperse the funds.

And the ridiculous idea of “reduce[ing] the size and intrusiveness of government.” What kind of massa would ever not want to control my life? As Coloreds we must have somebody care for us otherwise we would be on our own, have to think for ourselves and make decisions!

The racist tea parties also demand that the government “stop the out of control spending.” Again, they directly target coloreds. That means we Coloreds would have to compete for jobs like everybody else and that is just not right.

Perhaps the most racist point of all in the tea parties is their demand that government “stop raising our taxes.” That is outrageous! How will we coloreds ever get a wide screen TV in every room if non-coloreds get to keep what they earn? Totally racist! The tea party expects coloreds to be productive members of society?

Mr. Lincoln, you were the greatest racist ever. We had a great gig. Three squares, room and board, all our decisions made by the massa in the house. Please repeal the 13th and 14th Amendments and let us get back to where we belong.

Sincerely
Precious Ben Jealous, Tom’s Nephew NAACP Head Colored Person

At the very least, his open racism is a sea change from the usual code words spoken by the likes of CARIBOU BARBIE and her ilk. Can’t make this stuff up.

Banana Republicans Do Care… About Oil

Monday, June 21st, 2010
Shakdeown

Shakdeown

WARSHINGTON - Well, while official Banana Republicans try very hard to deny the fact that JOE “BP” BARTON’s apology for the “Shakedown” of BP was in fact their position, the lard-laden punditocracy (as amply represented by Rush Loudmouth) presented a different view: True Banana Republicans don’t care about the Gulf of Mexico, they care about British Petroleum. Unfettered and wantonly destructive capitalism is certainly preferable to having to help “those people” of the Gulf Coast, again…

Boncentration Bamps

Sunday, March 21st, 2010
I can't even remember which kind of evil makes me cry more!

I can't even remember which kind of evil makes me cry more!

WARSHINGTON - Well, now that Speaker Nancy Pelosi presided over the House of Representatives’ passing of the Senate’s Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, all of the nightmares of the Banana Republicans shall come to pass.  For those of you who believe that, as John BONER said, this is Armageddon, be on the lookout for horsemen.  For those of you who watched Glenn Beck (which is apparently not a fictional character that appears on the Cartoon Network right after Scooby-Doo), you are now required to report to your concentration camps.  Do not resist, do not delay, proceed directly to your downtown bus depots where you will be whisked away.  Stop crying, show some dignity.  If you were worried, all of Jesus’ tea has been successfully bagged and your services are no longer needed.  Don’t fret, you will not suffer long, you will be facing the death panels soon enough!

Reconcile, Bitches!

Friday, February 26th, 2010

It is time for Majority Rule

It is time for Majority Rule

WASHINGTON - It is clear the Banana Republicans are obdurate. But, Americans do need health insurance reform. It is time for the MAJORITY of Congress to stand up and do what is right. House, pass the Senate Bill. House and Senate, reconcile.

Banana Republicans Simply Don’t Add Up

Friday, January 29th, 2010
The Party of NO gets a public spanking...  Sorry, boys!

The Party of NO gets a public spanking... Sorry, boys!

BALTIMORE - Banana Republican Congressmen invited President Barack Obama to lunch today for a “debate.”  Unfortunately, the Banana Republicans brought their knives to a gunfight.  President Obama refuted each and every one of the Right-Wing-Echo-Chamber-spawned talking points so definitively that the Banana Republicans were left utterly discredited and completely incoherent.  Even with over one hundred Banana Republicans ganging up on the President, they could not lay a finger on him.  The only thing Banana Republicans were able to accomplish was to agree to continue saying “NO” to any proposal for anything other than more TaxCutsForTheRich.  For some reason, no matter what the situation, in good times and in bad, for a Banana Republican, there is always a rationale for that.

GHOUL-IANI’s Dementia Now Irreversible

Friday, January 8th, 2010
Nine One What?  Never heard of it

Nine One What? Never heard of it

NEW YORK - Notorious cross-dressing Banana Republican former Mayor and staunch President MORON apologist, Rudy GHOUL-IANI (whose only reaction on Nine-One-One was to politicize his personal failure to protect the citizens of New York), was exhumed briefly today for a truly bizarre mission.  Thinking the extreme cold would somehow preserve his decaying gray matter, Banana Republicans sent him out to appear on ABC’s “Good Morning America” and claim that there had been no terrorist attacks under his beloved President MORON!  He also claimed that there had been one such attack under President Obama.  The befuddled senior citizen seems to have forgotten his own mantra over the last eight years or so.  Had he not been such a crassly immoral and abjectly opportunistic politician during his productive life, his decline might have engendered sympathy.  Oh well.

Another Banana Socialist Whore

Thursday, December 24th, 2009

Michele Bachmann: Welfare Queen

Posted on Dec 22, 2009

By Yasha Levine

Michele Bachmann has become well known for her anti-government tea-bagger antics, protesting health care reform and every other government “handout” as socialism. What her followers probably don’t know is that Rep. Bachmann is, to use that anti-government slur, something of a welfare queen. That’s right, the anti-government insurrectionist has taken more than a quarter-million dollars in government handouts thanks to corrupt farming subsidies she has been collecting for at least a decade.

And she’s not the only one who has been padding her bank account with taxpayer money.

Bachmann, of Minnesota, has spent much of this year agitating against health care reform, whipping up the so-called tea-baggers with stories of death panels and rationed health care. She has called for a revolution against what she sees as Barack Obama’s attempted socialist takeover of America, saying presidential policy is “reaching down the throat and ripping the guts out of freedom.”

But data compiled from federal records by Environmental Working Group, a nonprofit watchdog that tracks the recipients of agricultural subsidies in the United States, shows that Bachmann has an inner Marxist that is perfectly at ease with profiting from taxpayer largesse. According to the organization’s records, Bachmann’s family farm received $251,973 in federal subsidies between 1995 and 2006. The farm had been managed by Bachmann’s recently deceased father-in-law and took in roughly $20,000 in 2006 and $28,000 in 2005, with the bulk of the subsidies going to dairy and corn. Both dairy and corn are heavily subsidized—or “socialized”—businesses in America (in 2005 alone, Washington spent $4.8 billion propping up corn prices) and are subject to strict government price controls. These subsidies are at the heart of America’s bizarre planned agricultural economy and as far away from Michele Bachmann’s free-market dream world as Cuba’s free medical system. If American farms such as hers were forced to compete in the global free market, they would collapse.

However, Bachmann doesn’t think other Americans should benefit from such protection and assistance. She voted against every foreclosure relief bill aimed at helping average homeowners (despite the fact that her district had the highest foreclosure rate in Minnesota), saying that bailing out homeowners would be “rewarding the irresponsible while punishing those who have been playing by the rules.” That’s right, the subsidy queen wants the rest of us to be responsible.

Bachmann’s financial disclosure forms indicate that her personal stake in the family farm is worth up to $250,000. They also show that she has been earning income from the farm business, and that the income grew in just a few years from $2,000 to as much as $50,000 for 2008. This has provided her with a second government-subsidized income to go with her job as a government-paid congresswoman who makes $174,000 per year (in addition to having top-notch government medical benefits). “If she has an interest in a farm getting federal subsidy payments, she is benefiting from them,” Sandra Schubert, director of government affairs for the Environmental Working Group, told Gannett News Service in 2007, when the subsidies to Bachmann were first publicly disclosed.

But Bachmann isn’t the only welfare recipient on Capitol Hill. As it turns out, there is a filthy-rich class of absentee farmers—both in and out of Congress—who demand free-market rules by day and collect their government welfare checks in the mail at night, payments that subsidize businesses that otherwise would fail. Over the past couple of decades, welfare for the super-wealthy seems to be the only kind of welfare our society tolerates.

In the 11 years for which the Environmental Working Group has compiled data, the federal government paid out a total of $178 billion to American farmers. We’re not talking about the Joads here. The bulk of subsidies go to the wealthy, not small farmers, as Ken Cook, the group’s president, explained to the Central Valley (Calif.) Business Times:

American taxpayers have been writing farm subsidy checks to wealthy absentee land owners, state prison systems, universities, public corporations, and very large, well-heeled farm business operations without the government so much as asking the beneficiaries if they need our money. … Even if you live smack in the middle of a big city, type in a ZIP code and you’ll find farm subsidy recipients.

Chuck Grassley, the longtime Republican senator from Iowa who warns his constituents of Obama’s “trend toward socialism,” has seen his family collect $1 million in federal handouts over an 11-year period, with Grassley’s son receiving $699,248 and the senator himself pocketing $238,974. Even Grassley’s grandson is learning to ride through life on training wheels, snagging $5,964 in 2005 and $2,363 in 2006. In the Grassley family they learn early how to enjoy other people’s money.

Sen. Grassley railed against government intervention in the health care market, telling The Washington Times, “Whenever the government does more … that’s a movement toward socialism.” As the top Republican on the Senate Finance Committee, he ought to know, especially because the government has done more for him and his kin than for Americans struggling with high medical bills and mortgages. Even the free-market think tank the Heritage Foundation criticized Grassley on his deep connections to farming interests and his stubborn lack of transparency.

Then there’s Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan., whose family has been on the government take for at least the past 11 years, pocketing some $500,000. The senator recently held a “prayercast” with Michele Bachmann to beseech God to kill health care reform as soon as possible because it would bring an evil socialist spirit into America. Like Bachmann, Brownback has a fierce belief in God, the free market and a two-year limit on all welfare benefits—unless it’s welfare to rich Republicans who don’t need it.

Not surprisingly, Blue Dog Democrats are on board with this welfare-for-the-rich thing. Max Baucus, the fiscally conservative Democratic senator from Montana who did his best to sabotage the health care reform process before it ever began, collected $250,000 in taxpayer subsidies to his family’s farm while fighting to keep Americans at the mercy of free-market health insurance. Sen. Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas, another Democrat, also helped hold the line against so-called socialized medicine for Americans who need assistance, even though her family farm business follows the socialized subsidy playbook to a T. The Lincolns pocketed $715,000 in farm subsidies over a 10-year period, and the senator even admitted to using $10,000 of it as petty cash in 2007. Democratic Rep. Stephanie Sandlin of South Dakota stayed true to her conservative free-market roots by voting against the public option. Meanwhile, her daddy, Lars Herseth, a former South Dakota legislator, collected a welfare jackpot of $844,725 paid out between 1995 and 2006.

That’s just the way the game is played these days. Republicans and conservative Democrats bitch and moan about the allegedly Marxist underpinnings of universal health care and do everything they can to deny struggling Americans access to social services. Meanwhile, many of them profit off taxpayers in a massive welfare program.

Farm subsidies have become so corrupt that payments sometimes go to dead people for years. Federal farm subsidies, which were originally meant to help struggling farmers survive, are now little more than taxpayer robbery, taking taxpayer wealth from working Americans and sending it to the have-mores. According to 11 years’ worth of Environmental Working Group data that tracks $200 billion in subsidies, the wealthiest 10 percent of “farmers” have collected 75 percent of the money. That’s exactly the kind of socialism that Rep. Bachmann and her elite ilk like.

ap_michelle_bachmann_welfare_queen-300

Banana Republicans Figured Out The Healthcare Problem!

Sunday, November 8th, 2009
It's pretty hard to mock someone who has already made a mockery of herself...

It's pretty hard to mock someone who has already made a mockery of herself...

WASHINGTON - Well, BONER and his TeaBaggers are at it again.  As they describe any effort to provide healthcare to the forty-five million uninsured people in this country as a gov’mint takeover, they have finally proposed their own bill.  As if you had to guess, it consists entirely of increased protection for Insurance Companies!  Yes, though Insurors are raking record profits denying care to sick people, Banana Republicans figured out that “reform” should be another handout to them.  They never change.  They can’t.  They’re apparently TEAbAggiNG 4 Jesus!

Dear Senator Lieberman…

Tuesday, October 27th, 2009

Fuck You



Fuck You