Understandably Sad

Understandably Sad

NEW YORK – How many of his hate-filled tweets end with the word “Sad?” Now, we know why!


Toxic but tasty?

Toxic but tasty?

NEW YORK – Now that the other two remaining douchebags have bowed out, Banana Republicans, you must face this fact. You have chosen a Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler as your champion. You have chosen narcissism, bigotry, xenophobia, religious intolerance and misogyny as your platform. You endorse mocking disabled people, you love belittling, degrading and objectifying women. You have collectively chosen a candidate who exhibits the maturity of an elementary school bully. And you should be proud. For years now, you have catered to your inner haters by carefully crafting dog-whistle messages to let each other know that the “real” party is for white men only. You have tiptoed around issues like brown skin, non-christianity, non-european heritage and womanhood. So, as you reflect on what has befallen you, please take a moment to acknowledge that this time, you are speaking the truth. You really, really do hate latinos, “The Blacks,” Muslims, the infirm, and women, and Donald T. RUMP has finally made honest men out of you.


Like It's 1999

Like It’s 1999


Still A Sore Loser

Puffery is policy!

Puffery is policy!

MADISON – Yesterday, in the Banana Republican primary here, Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP lost but good. This time, the orange volcano of hatespeech achieved something quite surprising: he managed to get half the Banana Republicans of Wisconsin to vote for Ted CURSE! Think about that for a moment. The xenophiobia, misogyny, religious intolerance and bigotry spewing out of an over-inflated blowfish was so repulsive that Banana Republican Wisconsinites, in their nauseated state, didn’t even notice that they were voting for another xenophobic, misogynistic, religiously intolerant bigot! As always, the narcissistic bully was magnanimous in defeat, calling CURSE a liar, a thief, a Trojan horse, and accusing him of stealing the nomination. This was offered in response to a policy question regarding sending nuclear weapons to Japan and Korea. Keep it up Banana Republicans, that is the kind of vision that will “Make America Hate Again!”

Misogyny Writ Large

It was just a "Simple  Battery"

It was just a “Simple Battery”

JUPITER – Corey Lewandowski, the creepy Campaign manager for Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP was arrested here today and charged with simple battery against a reporter, Michelle Fields. Even though Fields sustained bruises during the incident, and even though there is clear video evidence which was recorded by the orange-faced fascist’s own campaign, the jiggly-joweled egomaniac is actually attempting to deny it happened suggesting that Fields had inflicted the bruises on herself for some reason. The hatred and mistreatment of women within the campaign has once again reached the level of physical violence (remember, CARIBOU BARBIE feels that beating up women is a good way to send messages to the President). But, for the would-be bloviator-in-chief, it is just business as usual. RUMP bellowed, “Corey is an obedient servant who can beat up any woman half his size!”

Violent Majority?

Rioting as Speech

Rioting as Speech

CLEVELAND – As the locals petition to bring their guns into the Banana Republican convention here this Summer, Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP, is actively instructing his supporters to start rioting if he is not nominated. The one and only problem is that RUMP has never received a majority of the vote in any primary election. More Banana Republicans have voted against him than for him. But, if you are the meanest little bully on the playground, rioting is just the same as voting. As DESPERATE Donald’s insecurities become more and more apparent, his narcissism will require that he strike out against anybody who dares to question his supremacy. Considering Ohio is an open-carry gun state, the locals should be allowed to bring firearms. What could possibly go wrong?

Home To Roost

I'm not responsible, I'm IRRESPONSIBLE!

I’m not responsible, I’m IRRESPONSIBLE!

YOUNGSTOWN – As Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP slithers into town for yet another hate fest, even the breathless press is starting to notice the increasingly violent reception to which protesters are being subjected at these Klan rallies. Over the weekend, the RUMP campaign was forced to cancel events due to the rising tension among his loyal KKK attendees and any number of “other” people. Whether there are Mexicans, Muslims, women, “The Blacks” or Catholics at hand, if they ain’t wearin’ hoods, they’s fair game! And in his usual style, the first thing the orange-faced narcissist tried to do was blame others. The list included: Bernie Sanders, ISIS, Barack Obama and eventually, every non-white male in the country. Although he has encouraged his brain-dead followers to knock people down, punch people in the face, make sure they are carried out on stretchers and rough ’em up and, although he has promised that he would pay the legal fees for any of his supporters who are caught criminally assaulting innocent people, he expressed surprise that violence has been erupting at his cross burnings! As footage spills out over the airwaves of mobs of angry white thugs pummeling and pepper-spraying innocent men and women of color, RUMP declares that the events are “love fests” (if this is what passes for love, it is no wonder he has so many ex-wives!). All the violence and fascist rhetoric aside, this speaks directly to the character of RUMP. While he constantly makes outrageous and false assertions, as soon as he is held to account, he deflects, dissembles, points fingers and attempts to dodge responsibility. The angry Klansmen at these smackdowns are clamoring for a champion. Yet, when it comes time to stand up and answer for his actions, to take responsibility for his words and deeds, he ducks and covers! The big bully has a yellow streak a mile wide, and all it takes is one valid accusation to make him turn tail and run! That is truly the type of leadership that will “Make America HATE Again!”

Retardo Rubio

Five is this many!

Five is this many!

FLORIDA (His only hope) – Can this guy even count?  Every time there’s a primary or caucus, ROBOTIO gives a brain-freeze-inducing “victory” speech.  What the hell for?  2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th place candidates don’t make it to the primary!

Face it, Banana Republicans, you’ve courted crazy for a long time, and now the inmates are taking over the asylum.

Presidential Indeed!

What part of HATE are you not getting?

What part of HATE are you not getting?

JUPITER – During an interview on CNN today, Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP, outdid himself. He hate-splained that the reason he HATES all Muslims is because “Islam Hates Us.” This is the kind of circular logic that only works if you are prancing around in a white hood with a gun in your hand. While his devotees are out physically assaulting anybody at his hate rallies that appears to be non-white, he is actively fanning the flames. The bizarre transfer of his hatred of Muslims onto the the Muslims themselves is a typical bully tactic. He can rationalize his infantile behavior by screaming that he had no choice. The thin skin and maniacal sensitivity to even the most inconsequential slight is going to make it very difficult for the nation to follow him when he occupies The White House. Considering how often the targets of his ire change and considering how nonchalantly he advocates torture, even with the full might of the US Military behind him, he will eventually run out of resources. Are Muslim members of the Armed Forces supposed to torture themselves? Are they expected to “self-deport” to Guantanamo Bay? How, exactly, is all of this supposed to work? Will anybody have time for family, work, leisure and innovation, or will we all be pressed into service either torturing or being tortured? For all of you angry white males supporting this campaign, do you have any idea how you will live after you have rounded up, beaten, tortured or deported all of your perceived enemies? Do you not see that once all Mexicans, Muslims, women, “The Blacks” and Catholics are gone, and all that is left is a bunch of angry gun-wielding white men, you will have to turn on each other? Making America HATE again is not going to be very economically productive. So, as scarcity sets in, which of your brethren under the hoods, shoulder-to-shoulder with you right now, will be your undoing? How will you be able to tell before it is too late?

Now It’s Called Unity

This is how it's done

This is how it’s done

JUPITER – At a press conference here today, Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP stated that he now wants to “unify” the Banana Republican party. That means all “Poorly-Educated” white men, all gun-damentalist white men, all middle-class white men with hearts full of bigotry and all rich white douchebags (like the Swindler himself) can join together in hatred. As long as Mexicans, Muslims, women, “The Blacks” and Catholics, are not among them, there will be unity! He promised that for this group, he would be “more presidential than anyone!” Who knew that the first presidential issue on the minds of all of these diverse groups of white men would be the size of their candidate’s genitalia? This is going to be one wild ride!