Whaaa! The Election Is Rigged! Whaaa!
WASHINGTON – Talk about sore losers! The election has not even happened yet and the Six-Time Bankrupt Swindler has had to take time out from “grabbing them by the pussy” to whine about a rigged election. That is the kind of leadership that propels nations to greatness! Since T. RUMP is incapable of rational thought, he has latched on the theory that the Entire Nation is out to get him. Maybe he’s right. We here at HighFunction are conspiring to rig the election by getting off our asses and voting! Hope you do the same!
LOS ANGELES – Do tell, “Mr. President!”
NEW YORK – How many of his hate-filled tweets end with the word “Sad?” Now, we know why!
Toxic but tasty?
NEW YORK – Now that the other two remaining douchebags have bowed out, Banana Republicans, you must face this fact. You have chosen a Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler as your champion. You have chosen narcissism, bigotry, xenophobia, religious intolerance and misogyny as your platform. You endorse mocking disabled people, you love belittling, degrading and objectifying women. You have collectively chosen a candidate who exhibits the maturity of an elementary school bully. And you should be proud. For years now, you have catered to your inner haters by carefully crafting dog-whistle messages to let each other know that the “real” party is for white men only. You have tiptoed around issues like brown skin, non-christianity, non-european heritage and womanhood. So, as you reflect on what has befallen you, please take a moment to acknowledge that this time, you are speaking the truth. You really, really do hate latinos, “The Blacks,” Muslims, the infirm, and women, and Donald T. RUMP has finally made honest men out of you.
Puffery is policy!
MADISON – Yesterday, in the Banana Republican primary here, Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP lost but good. This time, the orange volcano of hatespeech achieved something quite surprising: he managed to get half the Banana Republicans of Wisconsin to vote for Ted CURSE! Think about that for a moment. The xenophiobia, misogyny, religious intolerance and bigotry spewing out of an over-inflated blowfish was so repulsive that Banana Republican Wisconsinites, in their nauseated state, didn’t even notice that they were voting for another xenophobic, misogynistic, religiously intolerant bigot! As always, the narcissistic bully was magnanimous in defeat, calling CURSE a liar, a thief, a Trojan horse, and accusing him of stealing the nomination. This was offered in response to a policy question regarding sending nuclear weapons to Japan and Korea. Keep it up Banana Republicans, that is the kind of vision that will “Make America Hate Again!”
It was just a “Simple Battery”
JUPITER – Corey Lewandowski, the creepy Campaign manager for Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP was arrested here today and charged with simple battery against a reporter, Michelle Fields. Even though Fields sustained bruises during the incident, and even though there is clear video evidence which was recorded by the orange-faced fascist’s own campaign, the jiggly-joweled egomaniac is actually attempting to deny it happened suggesting that Fields had inflicted the bruises on herself for some reason. The hatred and mistreatment of women within the campaign has once again reached the level of physical violence (remember, CARIBOU BARBIE feels that beating up women is a good way to send messages to the President
). But, for the would-be bloviator-in-chief, it is just business as usual. RUMP bellowed, “Corey is an obedient servant who can beat up any woman half his size!”
Rioting as Speech
CLEVELAND – As the locals petition to bring their guns into the Banana Republican convention here this Summer, Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP, is actively instructing his supporters to start rioting if he is not nominated. The one and only problem is that RUMP has never received a majority of the vote in any primary election. More Banana Republicans have voted against him than for him. But, if you are the meanest little bully on the playground, rioting is just the same as voting. As DESPERATE Donald’s insecurities become more and more apparent, his narcissism will require that he strike out against anybody who dares to question his supremacy. Considering Ohio is an open-carry gun state, the locals should be allowed to bring firearms. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m not responsible, I’m IRRESPONSIBLE!
YOUNGSTOWN – As Four-Time-Bankrupt Swindler, Donald T. RUMP slithers into town for yet another hate fest, even the breathless press is starting to notice the increasingly violent reception to which protesters are being subjected at these Klan rallies. Over the weekend, the RUMP campaign was forced to cancel events due to the rising tension among his loyal KKK attendees and any number of “other” people. Whether there are Mexicans, Muslims, women, “The Blacks” or Catholics at hand, if they ain’t wearin’ hoods, they’s fair game! And in his usual style, the first thing the orange-faced narcissist tried to do was blame others. The list included: Bernie Sanders, ISIS, Barack Obama and eventually, every non-white male in the country. Although he has encouraged his brain-dead followers to knock people down, punch people in the face, make sure they are carried out on stretchers and rough ’em up and, although he has promised that he would pay the legal fees for any of his supporters who are caught criminally assaulting innocent people, he expressed surprise that violence has been erupting at his cross burnings! As footage spills out over the airwaves of mobs of angry white thugs pummeling and pepper-spraying innocent men and women of color, RUMP declares that the events are “love fests” (if this is what passes for love, it is no wonder he has so many ex-wives!). All the violence and fascist rhetoric aside, this speaks directly to the character of RUMP. While he constantly makes outrageous and false assertions, as soon as he is held to account, he deflects, dissembles, points fingers and attempts to dodge responsibility. The angry Klansmen at these smackdowns are clamoring for a champion. Yet, when it comes time to stand up and answer for his actions, to take responsibility for his words and deeds, he ducks and covers! The big bully has a yellow streak a mile wide, and all it takes is one valid accusation to make him turn tail and run! That is truly the type of leadership that will “Make America HATE Again!”
Five is this many!
FLORIDA (His only hope) – Can this guy even count? Every time there’s a primary or caucus, ROBOTIO gives a brain-freeze-inducing “victory” speech. What the hell for? 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th place candidates don’t make it to the primary!
Face it, Banana Republicans, you’ve courted crazy for a long time, and now the inmates are taking over the asylum.