High Function

The Modern World, from lighting to smartphones, can be traced to the specific contributions of this new Holy Trinity: Tesla, Turing and Torvalds!

GETTYSBURG – Somebody must be quite relieved to be rid of that SANTORUM. In the end, an uninformed, anti-intellectual, misogynistic, hyperbole-fueled screaming fit was not the ticket for Banana Republicans this time around. Surprising…

FARGO – That’s a lot of SANTORUM! Still icky, still Ricky…

WASHINGTON – Banana Republicans can have new ideas. This year, along with their three traditional wedge issues: Religious Intolerance, Unrestricted Gun Access and Hatred of Gays, they have added a fourth. They have begun waging an aggressive war on women’s rights. Perhaps Banana Republicans are confused about the gender distribution of the electorate, or perhaps the are just saying completely crazy things because they know they can’t win anyway and they feel liberated. They can finally express all the hateful things they believe about women that they used to be afraid to say in public. Remember this in the voting booth!

MYRTLE BEACH – In a surprise move Presidential Overly-Hopeful, John PUNTSMAN, punted on his campaign here today. The surprise stemmed from that fact that nobody knew he was running in the first place. At the very least, his action allowed us to mock his name in this manner, rather than resorting to some other less fortunate rhyme (like DUNCE-MAN?)… Still plenty of lunacy left in the clown parade, but this weekend’s South Carolina Primary may spell the end for more of the “I Am Not A Mormon” crowd.

MANCHESTER, NH – Predictably, the ever flip-flopping empty suit, Mitt “Corporations Are People” WRONGNEY, won the Banana Republican primary here tonight. His speech, long on false assertions about President Obama, and short on original ideas, was exactly what anyone would have expected. It inspired none and promised nothing credible. After a week of WRONGNEY bashing ads from NEWTIE “Everybody Is A Socialist” GIN-GRINCH’s PAC, and two weekend debates — notable only because TEXECUTIONER, Rick PERIGEE (the lowest point), actually suggested we start the Iraq war again(!) — really nothing changed. As the rest of the primary process is now just a slog, the only hope is that the other desperate also-rans ratchet up the crazy. Speaking of which, WRONG “Last Nutjob Standing” Paul came in second! Rick “Frothy” SANTORUM slid back down behind. They can’t all be corkers. Next it’s on to South Carolina where the insanity will fly! They’ve got racists, christianists, gun nuts and anti-intellectuals. Now that’s a Banana Republican big tent!

DES MOINES – Another clown is voted off the island. In a delusional, anger-filled, anti-Obama rant here today, batshit-crazy motormouth, Michele “Government Injections” BOTCHMANN, finally acknowledged that coming in dead last in her own home state was not going to propel her to Sixteen Hundred Pennsylvania Avenue. This must have devastated the four or five people who actually voted for her. Significantly, it did demonstrate that even for TeaBaggers there is some upper limit on the amount provably inaccurate blather they can tolerate. Her departure doesn’t really change the dynamic of the show though; those remaining still exhibit: bigotry, ignorance, insanity, vengefulness and spinelessness. Plenty of laughs still to come.

DES MOINES – While the icky headline seems as though it would be more a matter of personal hygiene than a political story, it is, in fact, what happened at the caucuses here tonight. Rick “Frothy” SANTORUM ended up in a dead heat with flip-flopping empty-suit, Mitt WRONGNEY — WRONGNEY ultimately won by eight votes. Racist nut-job, WRONG Paul, finished third. Angry, petulant Newtie “I am more corrupt than all these guys put together” GIN-GRINCH promised to punish everybody who voted against him. TEXECUTIONER, Rick PERIGEE (the lowest point), made some noises about bowing out. And, although she doesn’t know it yet, batshit-crazy motormouth, Michele “Government Injections” BOTCHMANN, has rambled her last ramble: finally! Watching Banana Republicans trash each other can be endlessly entertaining, and whoever continues will be back in a debate phase of this clown parade on Saturday!

WASHINGTON – And in the end, the Do-Nothing Congress could not escape its destiny. The Banana Republicans sent the payroll tax holiday extension bill to conference committee — thus killing it — and, it is going to cost, on average, every wage earning American forty dollars a paycheck. Over the Summer, these Banana Republicans were literally screaming about protecting the wealthy from a tax increase. They pointed to a pledge to some shadowy, slimy creature called a Grover WHOREQUIST that could smite them where they stood if they ever even thought about raising taxes on the wealthy. Somehow, destroying the country’s credit rating to protect four hundred wealthy individuals from higher taxes was not too extreme, but simply bringing a bill to the floor for a vote (their actual job) to protect one hundred sixty million Americans from higher taxes was too much. Teary-eyed Oompah Loompah, John BONER is now a eunuch. And if you ever believe another word a Banana Republican says to you, you are an imbecile.

PYONGYANG – Well, as the movie, “Team America,” would have it, it was INEVITABLE! One more tyrant gone. Since President Barack Obama took office: three tyrants retired or deceased (President MORON, Moammar GODAWFUL, and Kim Jong “Inevitable” Il), and one terrorist (Osama bin Laden).