High Function

MYRTLE BEACH – In a surprise move Presidential Overly-Hopeful, John PUNTSMAN, punted on his campaign here today. The surprise stemmed from that fact that nobody knew he was running in the first place. At the very least, his action allowed us to mock his name in this manner, rather than resorting to some other less fortunate rhyme (like DUNCE-MAN?)… Still plenty of lunacy left in the clown parade, but this weekend’s South Carolina Primary may spell the end for more of the “I Am Not A Mormon” crowd.

MANCHESTER, NH – Predictably, the ever flip-flopping empty suit, Mitt “Corporations Are People” WRONGNEY, won the Banana Republican primary here tonight. His speech, long on false assertions about President Obama, and short on original ideas, was exactly what anyone would have expected. It inspired none and promised nothing credible. After a week of WRONGNEY bashing ads from NEWTIE “Everybody Is A Socialist” GIN-GRINCH’s PAC, and two weekend debates — notable only because TEXECUTIONER, Rick PERIGEE (the lowest point), actually suggested we start the Iraq war again(!) — really nothing changed. As the rest of the primary process is now just a slog, the only hope is that the other desperate also-rans ratchet up the crazy. Speaking of which, WRONG “Last Nutjob Standing” Paul came in second! Rick “Frothy” SANTORUM slid back down behind. They can’t all be corkers. Next it’s on to South Carolina where the insanity will fly! They’ve got racists, christianists, gun nuts and anti-intellectuals. Now that’s a Banana Republican big tent!

DES MOINES – Another clown is voted off the island. In a delusional, anger-filled, anti-Obama rant here today, batshit-crazy motormouth, Michele “Government Injections” BOTCHMANN, finally acknowledged that coming in dead last in her own home state was not going to propel her to Sixteen Hundred Pennsylvania Avenue. This must have devastated the four or five people who actually voted for her. Significantly, it did demonstrate that even for TeaBaggers there is some upper limit on the amount provably inaccurate blather they can tolerate. Her departure doesn’t really change the dynamic of the show though; those remaining still exhibit: bigotry, ignorance, insanity, vengefulness and spinelessness. Plenty of laughs still to come.

DES MOINES – While the icky headline seems as though it would be more a matter of personal hygiene than a political story, it is, in fact, what happened at the caucuses here tonight. Rick “Frothy” SANTORUM ended up in a dead heat with flip-flopping empty-suit, Mitt WRONGNEY — WRONGNEY ultimately won by eight votes. Racist nut-job, WRONG Paul, finished third. Angry, petulant Newtie “I am more corrupt than all these guys put together” GIN-GRINCH promised to punish everybody who voted against him. TEXECUTIONER, Rick PERIGEE (the lowest point), made some noises about bowing out. And, although she doesn’t know it yet, batshit-crazy motormouth, Michele “Government Injections” BOTCHMANN, has rambled her last ramble: finally! Watching Banana Republicans trash each other can be endlessly entertaining, and whoever continues will be back in a debate phase of this clown parade on Saturday!

WASHINGTON – And in the end, the Do-Nothing Congress could not escape its destiny. The Banana Republicans sent the payroll tax holiday extension bill to conference committee — thus killing it — and, it is going to cost, on average, every wage earning American forty dollars a paycheck. Over the Summer, these Banana Republicans were literally screaming about protecting the wealthy from a tax increase. They pointed to a pledge to some shadowy, slimy creature called a Grover WHOREQUIST that could smite them where they stood if they ever even thought about raising taxes on the wealthy. Somehow, destroying the country’s credit rating to protect four hundred wealthy individuals from higher taxes was not too extreme, but simply bringing a bill to the floor for a vote (their actual job) to protect one hundred sixty million Americans from higher taxes was too much. Teary-eyed Oompah Loompah, John BONER is now a eunuch. And if you ever believe another word a Banana Republican says to you, you are an imbecile.

PYONGYANG – Well, as the movie, “Team America,” would have it, it was INEVITABLE! One more tyrant gone. Since President Barack Obama took office: three tyrants retired or deceased (President MORON, Moammar GODAWFUL, and Kim Jong “Inevitable” Il), and one terrorist (Osama bin Laden).

ATLANTA – Comedic presidential candidate, Herman “All Women Are Liars” CAIN’T appeared outside his new campaign headquarters here yesterday. The man who famously advised the ninety-nine percenters, who were laid off by the very Wall Street firms they were protesting, that they should blame themselves for their lack of employment, had a very different take on his own plight. After five different women came forward with tales of sexual harassment, sexual assault and just plain old sexual infidelity, he asserted that they were all lying as part of some vast conspiracy to keep him out of the White House. Speculating on who might be behind this conspiracy, he blamed his fellow Banana Republicans, TEXECUTIONER Rick PERIGEE (the lowest point) and Ever Flip-Flopping Empty Suit, Mitt WRONGNEY. He then blamed “The Left-Wing Media” (a fictional beast that seems to torpedo many a right-wingnut). Finally, he blamed “The Establishment!” Yes, “The Establishment,” the very people against whom the ninety-nine percenters were protesting! In fact, he ultimately blamed every single person on the face of the Earth except for himself. So much for accountability.

During his mindless, rambling speech, he managed to intimate that his never having held public office was somehow an advantage. He explained that he was not the usual type of candidate and this was why he was losing. Sadly, his explanation fell short. From his wilful ignorance of foreign affairs (think U-beki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan), to his outrageously regressive tax plan, to his admission that his confusion over Libya was due to having “a lot of things twirling around” in his head, to his outright trashing of all of his female accusers, he just proved that he is the exact sort of egotistical, uninformed, mysogynistic, self-serving douchebag the Tea Baggers have always supported!

Ultimately, he QUIT! It really didn’t matter though; he wasn’t going to win. But, his laughable antics did make watching the Banana Republican food fight a little easer. Ah well, there’s still plenty of batshit craziness, immigrant bashing, finger pointing, truth distorting and outright lying to go around…

DAVIS – University of California, Davis Chancellor, Linda Katehi, appeared here yesterday and finally apologized for permitting her campus police to shoot pepper-spray directly into the faces of non-violent students. Too late. She initially defended their actions, and regardless, it happened on her watch. Sign this petition to demand her resignation. This is California. Our college students are not the enemy.

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA – Starting with the riot in support of a coach who covered up wrongdoing for decades, and extending, so far, all the way to children bullying the first victim to come forward out of his school, the people of Pennsylvania State University have clearly come down on the side of child abuse. Even Sandusky’s “innocent” explanation is over the line. But what’s a little pedophilia among friends? Football is clearly very very important… Go Nittany Lions!

PHOENIX – Three hundred sixty-five days until the election. And, Banana Republicans are still beside themselves. While they simply can’t stand the endlessly flip-flopping empty suit, Mitt WRONGNEY, their latest alternative, Herman “Back of the Bus is Fine” CAIN’T, has made so many missteps that it has become laughable to continue apologizing for him. As if the outrageously regressive tax plan, the willful ignorance of the leadership of U-beki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan, and the assertion that people laid off by big banks should blame themselves are not sufficient, he has now developed another theme: denying credible accusations of sexual harassment! First he didn’t remember, then he did. First, it was only one woman, then two, three, four and five. First there was no truth, then there were at least two settlements. First it was a left wing media smear campaign, then it was TEXECUTIONER Rick PERIGEE (the lowest point)’s fault. And through it all, he has comported himself in such an undignified manner, that anybody left supporting him is no longer credible. He verbally abused the press and had his handlers push and shove them around. He literally threw a temper tantrum when he was asked a legitimate question about it. Then today, he held a press conference wherein he said all of the women — who did not know each other; some of whom were paid thousands of dollars for their silence — were all lying. So, the aforementioned supporters, who stopped the entire operation of the United States Government and wasted fifty million dollars to find out if President Bill Clinton got a blowjob; and who screamed bloody murder over Anthony Weiner’s underwear pictures; have now decided that it is acceptable for their candidate to put his hand up a woman’s skirt and shove her face in his crotch because she asked for a job. Well, hey, at least he’s not a Mormon…